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Games: (MOVED) Join Me In A Laugh
Created by:
d9itl8r
10/29/09 @ 8:59am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143
The difference beteen " GUTS " & " BALLS " 
This is a good one!
"The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants." - Albert Camu, 1917-1960
"The innocent have nothing to fear." - Pope Sixtus IV, on the authorization of the Spanish Inquisition, 1478
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the rear and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in almost instantaneous death.
Quote
This is a good one!
"The welfare of humanity is always the alibi of tyrants." - Albert Camu, 1917-1960
"The innocent have nothing to fear." - Pope Sixtus IV, on the authorization of the Spanish Inquisition, 1478
There is a medical distinction between Guts and Balls.
We've all heard about people having Guts or Balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?
In an effort to keep you informed, here are the definitions:
GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'
BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the rear and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'
I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.
Medically, speaking there is No difference in the outcome.
Both result in almost instantaneous death.
Quote
Top Ten Men
1: The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2: The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3: The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4: The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5: The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6: The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
7: The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8: The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9: The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10: The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice. Quote
1: The Doctor because he says, "Take off your clothes"
2: The Dentist because he says, "Open Wide"
3: The hairdresser because he says, "Do you want it teased or blown"
4: The Milkman because he says, "Do you want it in front or in back?"
5: The Interior Decorator because he says, "Once you have it all in, you'll love it."
6: The Banker because he says, "If you take it out to soon, you'll lose interest."
7: The Police Officer because he says, "Spread 'em"
8: The Mailman because he always delivers his package.
9: The Pilot because he takes off fast and then slows down.
10: The Hunter because he always goes deep in the bush, shoots twice. Quote
Created by:
d9itl8r
10/30/09 @ 6:41am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143
What was Jesus?
My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do!
Cheers
Quote
My black friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother."
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
My Jewish friend had 3 arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 30.
3. He was sure His Mother was a virgin and His mother was sure He was God.
My Italian friend gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.
My California friends had 3 arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
My Irish friend then gave his 3 arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But my lady friend had most compelling evidence that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, he had to get up because there was more work to do!
Cheers
Quote
WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline) Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Quote
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. Quote
One of my friends works in the customer service call center of a national pager company. He deals with the usual complaints regarding poor pager operation, as well as the occasional crank caller demanding to be paged less often, more often, or by more interesting people.
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved. Quote
The best call came from a man who repeatedly complained that he keeps being paged by "Lucille." He was instructed that he would have to call her and tell her to stop paging him.
"She don't never leave no number, so I can't call her back," he said.
After three such calls, someone thought to ask how he knew it was Lucille if she didn't leave a number.
"She leaves her name," was the reply.
After establishing that the customer had a numericonly pager, the light bulb came on.
"How does she spell her name?" the service rep asked.
"L-O-W C-E-L-L"
Another problem solved. Quote
Three patients in a mental institution prepare for an examination given by the head psychiatrist. If the patients pass the exam, they will be free to leave the hospital. However, if they fail, the institution will detain them for five years.
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" Quote
The doctor takes the three patients to the top of a diving board looking over an empty swimming pool, and asks the first patient to jump.
The first patient jumps head first into the pool and breaks both arms.
Then the second patient jumps and breaks both legs.
The third patient looks over the side and refuses to jump. "Congratulations! You're a free man. Just tell me why didn't you jump?" asked the doctor.
To which the third patient answered, "Well Doc, I can't swim!" Quote
A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Quote
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men.
In fact, She sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy.
What do you think I should do?"
"Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down.
Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?"
Quote
A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" Quote
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?" Quote
This is a true story. Last week was my 40th birthday and I really didnt feel like waking up that morning. I managed to pull myself together and go downstairs for breakfast, hoping my wife would be pleasant and say, Happy Birthday!, and possibly have a small present for me. As it turned out, she barely said good morning, let alone Happy Birthday. I thought Well, thats marriage for you, but the kids They will remember.
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didnt say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one oclock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, You know, its such a beautiful day outside, and its your Birthday, why dont we goout for lunch, just you and me. I said, Thanks, Joanne, thats the best thing Ive heard all day. Lets go!
We went to lunch but not where wed normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, You know, Its such a beautiful day We dont have to go right back to the office, do we? I replied with I suppose not. What do you have in mind? She said, Lets go to my apartment, its just around the corner.
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, Boss if you dont mind, Im goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. Ill be right back. Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she cameout carrying a huge birthday cake
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there
On the couch
Naked. Quote
My kids came trampling down the stairs to breakfast, ate their breakfast, and didnt say a word to me. So when I made it out of the house and started for work, I felt pretty dumpy and despondent.
As I walked into my office, my secretary Joanne said, Good Morning Boss, and by the way Happy Birthday! It felt a bit better knowing that at least someone remembered. I worked in a zombie like fashion until about one oclock, when Joanne knocked on my door and said, You know, its such a beautiful day outside, and its your Birthday, why dont we goout for lunch, just you and me. I said, Thanks, Joanne, thats the best thing Ive heard all day. Lets go!
We went to lunch but not where wed normally go. Instead she took me to a quiet bistro with a private table. We had a couple of mixed drinks and I enjoyed the meal tremendously. On the way back to the office, Joanne said, You know, Its such a beautiful day We dont have to go right back to the office, do we? I replied with I suppose not. What do you have in mind? She said, Lets go to my apartment, its just around the corner.
After arriving at her apartment, Joanne turned to me and said, Boss if you dont mind, Im goinna to step into the bedroom for just a moment. Ill be right back. Ok. I nervously replied. She went into the bedroom and, after a couple of minutes, she cameout carrying a huge birthday cake
Followed by my wife, my kids, and dozens of my friends, and co-workers, all singing Happy Birthday.
And I just sat there
On the couch
Naked. Quote
An Arizona senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-10 pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an ArizonaState Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper Quote
"Amazing!" he thought as he flew down I-10 pushing the pedal to the metal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw the highway patrol behind him, blue lights flashing and siren blaring.
"I can get away from him - no problem!" thought the elderly nutcase as he floored it to 100mph, then 110, then 120mph. Suddenly, he thought, "What on earth am I doing? I'm too old for this nonsense!", pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the Trooper to catch up with him.
Pulling in behind him, the Trooper walked up to the driver's side of the Corvette, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go."
The man, looking very seriously at the Trooper, said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with an ArizonaState Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, Sir," said the Trooper Quote
The Three Stars
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'' Quote
One day Steven Spielberg, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Pierce Brosnan were in a jungle in order to take some shots for a movie. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food
Spielberg was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Spielberg.
Schwarzenegger was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Spielberg was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Schwarzenegger had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''
A laughing Schwarzenegger replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'' Quote
Once there was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying. A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?" The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner." The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life." The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
Quote
Three little ducks go into a Bar..............................
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." Quote
"Say, what's your name?" the bartender asked the first duck.
"Huey," was the reply.
"How's your day been, Huey?"
"Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?" said Huey.
"Oh. That's nice," said the bartender. He turned to the second duck, "Hi, and what's your name?"
"Dewey," came the answer from duck number two.
"So how's your day been, Dewey! ?" he asked.
"Great. Lovely day. I've had a ball too. Been in and out of puddles all day myself. What else could a duck want?"
The bartender turned to the third duck and said, "So, you must be Louie?"
"No," she said, batting her eyelashes. "My name is Puddles." Quote
Why the jokes with blondes are so short???
Because the brunettes ones and the red hair ones have to understand them too
COOL!!!!! I LIKE THAT JOKE!! Quote
Because the brunettes ones and the red hair ones have to understand them too
COOL!!!!! I LIKE THAT JOKE!! Quote
One day a college professer of Psychology was greeting his new college class. He stood up in front of the class and said "Everybody who thinks he or she's stupid, stand up!" After a moment of silence, a young boy stood up. "You really think you're stupid?"Exclaimed the professer. "No"Replied the young man," I just couldn't stand seeing you up there all alone."
Quote
A blond woman finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's at a loss of money. She's so desperate that she prays to God for help."Please god let me win the lotto, cause my business is lost and I will soon lose my house!" So lotto night comes and somebody else wins."Oh God, I've lost my business and my house and i will soon lose my car!"So lotto night comes and somebody else wins."God, I have been your faithful SERVANT, all my life, i've lost my business, my house, my car and my children are starving!" Suddenly there was a blinding flash of light and GOD appeared."ok"He said"Lets meet halfway on this-BUY A LOTTERY TICKET!"
Quote
a man and his wife were walking through the scottish hills when the spotted a building light up
the woman said "that's a distillery hughie, they make whisky quicker than u can drink it.
hughie replied "maybe so dear but i got them working nights".
an american was driving through the scottish highlands when he spotted a farmer with a sheep between his legs trousers at his ankles and about to fuck the sheep.
the american pulled to the side of the road and grabbed his camera.
he called out to the man "hold it"
the man called back "get lost if u want one catch u'r own." Quote
the woman said "that's a distillery hughie, they make whisky quicker than u can drink it.
hughie replied "maybe so dear but i got them working nights".
an american was driving through the scottish highlands when he spotted a farmer with a sheep between his legs trousers at his ankles and about to fuck the sheep.
the american pulled to the side of the road and grabbed his camera.
he called out to the man "hold it"
the man called back "get lost if u want one catch u'r own." Quote
One day there were three perfect children and their father was a priest.One day the priest says you boys need to do one bad thing in your life.So the boys went out to do wrong.The first boys comes back and says I put my hand up my teachers skirt.THe priest says oh thats bad go drink out of the holy water.The second boy comes back and says I held up a bank!The priest replys oh thats very very bad go drink out of the holy water.The third boy comes back and says I pee'd in the holy water!
Quote
The Pharmacy
A woman walks into a Cornor Brook drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me by having sex with another woman," the lady replies.
"I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman," the pharmacist says.
The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies. Quote
A woman walks into a Cornor Brook drugstore and tells the pharmacist she wants to buy some arsenic.
"What do you want with arsenic?" asks the pharmacist.
"I want to kill my husband because he's cheating on me by having sex with another woman," the lady replies.
"I can't sell you arsenic so you can kill your husband, lady, even if he is having sex with another woman," the pharmacist says.
The woman then reaches into her pocket and pulls out a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist's wife and hands it to him.
"Oh, I didn't realize you had a prescription," the pharmacist replies. Quote
