A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.

The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"

"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.

The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."

"Of course," replies the second man.

I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"

"Dublin," comes the reply.

"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."

"Of course," replies the second man.

Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"

"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."

"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"

About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.

"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
Quote

I was in bed with the wife last night and let out a huge fart.
"You're disgusting," she said. "You never did that when we first met. What happened that lovely bloke from ten years ago?"
I said, "He's probably getting sucked off by that girl with the tighter arse that used to love giving head."
That shut her up.


**********

An Englishman, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk into a...ihg32h9gj0fk0kfkkkkkkfmmnnn273fbf111...

...FUCK SAKE KANYE LET GO OF THE KEYBOARD! Quote

If my left knee is called Christmas and my right knee is called New Years lets get together between the Holidays. Quote

A bear and a rabbit were in the woods shitting. The bear looks down at the rabbit and says "do you have trouble shitting, does it ever stick to your fur"?

The rabbit says "no", so the bear picks up the rabbit and wipes his ass with the him. Quote

Two young brothers 5 & 6 were playing in a sandpit, one of them finds a condom so they decide to take it home to show mom.
"Mummy, what's this?" says one of the boys.
Mummy slaps his bum and sends both of them up to bed.
One brother looks at the other and says, "Mummy was pretty mad with us, should we tell her that we sucked the yoghurt out of it?" Quote

What happen to the lil girl that at bullets?

Her hair grew out with bangs!

haaa haaa haaa ma side haaa haahaaa

Quote

This farmer has about 200 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks.
So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster which he would sell. The other farmer says, "Yeah, I`ve got this great rooster, named Randy. He`ll service every chicken you got, no problem."
Well, Randy the rooster costs a lot of money, but the farmer decides he`d be worth it. So, he buys Randy. The farmer takes Randy home and sets him down in the barnyard, first, giving the rooster a pep talk, "Randy, I want you to pace yourself now. You`ve got a lot of chickens to service here, and you cost me lots of money. Consequently, I `ll need you to do a good job. So take your time and have some fun," the farmer said, with a chuckle.
Randy seemed to understand, so the farmer points toward the hen house, and Randy took off like a shot. - WHAM! - Randy nails every hen in the hen house - three or four times, and the farmer is really shocked.
After that the farmer hears a commotion in the duck pen, sure enough, Randy is in there. Later, the farmer sees Randy after flock of geese, down by the lake. Once again - WHAM! Randy gets all the geese.
By sunset he sees Randy out in the fields chasing quail and pheasants. The farmer is distraught - worried that his expensive rooster won`t even last 24 hours.
Sure enough, the farmer goes to bed and wakes up the next day, to find Randy dead as a doorknob - stone cold in the middle of the yard. Buzzards are circling overhead. The farmer, saddend by the loss of such a colorful and expensive animal, shakes his head and says, "Oh, Randy, I told you to pace yourself. I tried to get you to slow down, now look what you`ve done to yourself."
Randy opens one eye, nods toward the buzzards circling in the sky and says, "Shhh, they`re getting close." Quote

Dear Wife:
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have
certain needs which you are no longer able to satisfy. I am
otherwise happy with you as a wife, and I sincerely hope you
will not be hurt or offended to learn that by the time you
receive this letter, I will be at the Grand Hotel with my
18-year old secretary. I`ll be home before midnight.
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed
letter waiting for him that read as follows:
Dear Husband:
You, too, are 54 years old and by the time you receive this
letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year
old pool boy. Since you are an accountant, you will
appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many more times than 54 goes
into 18. Therefore don`t wait up.
Your Wife Quote

I recall my first time with a condom, I must have been 16.

I went in to buy a packet of condoms at the pharmacy. There was this beautiful assistant behind the
counter, and she could see that I was new at it.

She handed me the package and asked if I knew how to wear one. I honestly answered,
'No, this is my first time.'

So she unwrapped the package, took one out and slipped it over her thumb. She cautioned me to make sure it was on tight and secure. I apparently still looked confused. So she looked all around the store to see if it was empty. It was empty.

'Just a minute,' she said, and walked to the door, and locked it.

Taking my hand, she led me into the back room, unbuttoned her blouse and removed it. She unhooked her bra and laid it aside.
'Do these excite you?' She asked.
Well, I was so dumb-struck that all I could do was shake my head. She then said it was time to slip the condom on.

As I was slipping it on, she dropped her skirt, removed her knickers and sat down at a desk.
'Well, come on', she said, 'We don't have much time.'

So I climbed on her. It was so wonderful, that unfortunately, I could no longer hold back and KAPOW, I was done within a few minutes.

She looked at me with a bit of a frown.
'Did you put that condom on?' she asked.

I said, 'I sure did,' and held up my thumb to show her.

She fainted. Quote

Little Josie was not the best student in the Catholic School.
Usually she slept through the class.
One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping.
�Tell me Josie, who created the universe?�
When little Josie didn�t stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
�God Almighty!� shouted Josie.
The Nun said, �Very good� and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Josie, �Who is our Lord and Saviour?�
But Josie didn�t stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
�Jesus Christ!� shouted Josie.
And the Nun once again said, �Very good,� and Josie fell back to sleep.
A little later the Nun asked her a third question� �What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?�
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Josie jumped up & shouted, �If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I�ll break it in half and shove it up your arse!� Quote

Quote

How do you keep a asshole in suspense??.............I'll tell you tommorrow Quote

That is so funny...cracked me up Quote

Why are the Tennessee Titans like a possum?

Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road. Quote

You know when you're spending too much time online when...

Tech support calls "YOU" for help

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud

You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out "

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

I you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her

If you are female and you see a male in the "Real " world that you wish to meet your fist thought is that you wish he'd IM you

You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real world is at your fingertips.

You have to get a 2nd phone line so you can call Pizza Hut

When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases

You walk into a room. and finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is a error

When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you

You go up to people you are attracted to in "real life " and ask them for their GIF

Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber love.

You don't even know what your cyber love looks like

When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized

You watch TV with the closed captioning on

Your spouse now complains of you moving you fingers in your sleep instead of talking

Your kids are eating cereal morning noon & night

When someone says "What did you say ? you reply "Scroll up "

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep

You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on line again.

You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own spouse

You find yourself lying to others about your time on line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

You have an identity crisis someone is using a screen name close to your own

You would rather tell people that your blood shot eyes are from partying too much than the truth ( on line all night)

You change your screen name so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are

You go into labour and you stop to type a special eMail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling

You marry your cyber friend girl friend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed them yourself

Your dog leaves you

You are doing things more & more that you swore you would never do when you first got on line

You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy line

You have a map on the wall w/lots of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met

You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button

You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer

Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perve"

You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours

Your buddy list has over 100 people on it

You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one..if so you've been hanging out in *strange places* )

You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on line before you have your 1st cup of coffee

You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake

You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen

You wait 6 hours on line for a certain "special " person to come home from work

You don't know where the time has gone

You end sentences wit 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand

Your relationship on line has gone farther than any real one you have had

You get up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead

You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo

You enter a room & 23 people greet you with [hugs] or ** kisses **

You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl dunno, and lemme

Your voice mail answering machine message is "BRB" leave you s/n & I will TTYL"

you type faster than you think

You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office

You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa

You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted

You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie

People say " if it weren't for you super reflexes in your eyes & fingers you would have been classified as a vegetable

You dream in "text"

Being called a Newbie is "MAJOR" insult

there is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored

You don't want to leave in case you miss something

you double click your TV remote

You can now type over 70 wpm

Quote

There was a businessman with a bad case of dandruff. It was so bad it kept getting all over hsi expensive business suits. His wife mentioned to him about making an appointment to see a dermatologist. He explained he did not have enough time to with his business. So his wife said, "Okay hunny. I'll make an appointment and go talk to the dermatologist for you." She made the appointment and went.

It was after explaining to the dermatologist why she made & went to the appointment for her husband. She told him what the problem was. She said, "Doctor, my husband has a bad case of dandruff. It keeps getting all over his good expensive business suits. Is there anything I can do for him?" The dermatologist looked at her & asked if she had considered giving him Head & Shoulders. She looks at him, scratches her head & asked, "How do you give shoulders?" Quote

It was the last one. I saw after posting it profanity & vulgar are allowed.

There was a city businessman who had always wanted to get a farm out in the country. So he gets a newspapaer & starts browsing for farms. He runs across one. It said: Farm for sale including a two-story house, barn & 100 acres of excelent farming land for $1,000.00. The man looks again. He tells himself it has to be a misprint. So he called the number attached to the ad. The man selling the farm answered on the other end. He told the businessman he read correctly. And he gave the businessman directions to the farm. He found the farm easily.

The man selling the farm heard the businessman's car pull in. He had his door open with only the screen door closed. So he went out to meet the businessman who was in more shock! The house & barn were in mint condition! The land was perfect for farming! So he asked the man how he could be letting the farm go for so damn cheap. The seller told the businessman he would only be willing to do so under one condition. He was to marry his daughter, Helen Patricia. So, he yells into the house, "Helen Patricia, come see this man." She comes running out saying, "See the man! See the man!"

The businessman said he needed to talk to her father. So the seller said, "Helen Patricia, go get us each a cup of coffee." She goes running after it yelling, "Get the coffee." Get the coffee."

The businessman tells the owner his daughter was some right kind of ugly. He may have to put a sack over her head to fuck her. But he could not let that farm go when that cheap in mint condition. So, needless to say, farm sold & businessman & Helen Patricia married.

It was raining hard the next month. The barn roof started to leak. So he got a ladder & climbed up to repair it. He yelled down to Helen Patricia to get him the hammer. She ran after it yelling, "Get the hammer. Get the hammer." Then she went back down the ladder. He yelled down again for her to get him the sack of nails. She goes running after them yelling, "Get the neails. Get the nails." Then she went back down.

He started to pound a nail in the roof to repair it when all of a sudden, he hit his thumb. He yelled out, "Aw fuck!" Helen Patricia yells out, "Get the sack. Get the sack." Quote

You know when you're spending too much time online when...

Tech support calls "YOU" for help

Someone at work tells you a joke and you say "LOL" out loud

You find yourself trying to cock your head 90 degrees when you smile

You have called out someone's screen name while making love to your significant other.

You keep begging your friends to get an account so "we can hang out "

Three words: Carpal Tunnel Syndrome.

I you are male and see a female in the "Real" world that you wish to meet, your first thought is to IM her

If you are female and you see a male in the "Real " world that you wish to meet your fist thought is that you wish he'd IM you

You don't understand the humor in the above mentioned #7 and #8 since the "real world is at your fingertips.

You have to get a 2nd phone line so you can call Pizza Hut

When you have sex, you no longer are concerned about sexually transmitted diseases

You walk into a room. and finding that it has more than 23 people, you inform management that there is a error

When looking at signs, you wonder why they are always "yelling" at you

You go up to people you are attracted to in "real life " and ask them for their GIF

Although you don't know what they look like, you become insanely jealous of people hitting on your cyber love.

You don't even know what your cyber love looks like

When at work, your boss constantly reminds you that the word i should be capitalized

You watch TV with the closed captioning on

Your spouse now complains of you moving you fingers in your sleep instead of talking

Your kids are eating cereal morning noon & night

When someone says "What did you say ? you reply "Scroll up "

You find yourself sneaking away to the computer in the middle of the night when your spouse is asleep

You turn down the lights & close the blinds so people won't know you're on line again.

You know more about your AOL friends daily routines than you do your own spouse

You find yourself lying to others about your time on line & when they complain that your phone was busy you claim it was off the hook

You have an identity crisis someone is using a screen name close to your own

You would rather tell people that your blood shot eyes are from partying too much than the truth ( on line all night)

You change your screen name so much that you have to look at your own profile to see who you are

You go into labour and you stop to type a special eMail to let everyone know you're going to be away and how you're feeling

You marry your cyber friend girl friend and you both sit at your own computers & chat to each other every night from across the room

You type messages to people while you are on the phone with them at the same time

You understand the humor in all of these jokes because you have committed them yourself

Your dog leaves you

You are doing things more & more that you swore you would never do when you first got on line

You sign on & immediately get 10 IMs from people who have you on their buddy line

You have a map on the wall w/lots of red thumbtacks to mark where people are you have met

You look at an annoying person off-line & wish you had your ignore button

You bring a bag lunch & a cooler to the computer

Your significant other kisses your neck while you're chatting & you think "uh oh cyber sex perve"

You go through "withdrawal" if you are away from the computer for more than a few hours

Your buddy list has over 100 people on it

You understand what BIF ISO BIM means. (I wonder how many will get this one..if so you've been hanging out in *strange places* )

You wake up in the morning and the first thing you do is get on line before you have your 1st cup of coffee

You have to inject no-doze into your butt to keep it awake

You have your computer set so it goes directly into AOL's welcome screen

You wait 6 hours on line for a certain "special " person to come home from work

You don't know where the time has gone

You end sentences wit 3 (or more) periods while writing letters by hand

Your relationship on line has gone farther than any real one you have had

You get up at 2 AM to go to the bathroom but turn on the computer instead

You don't even notice anymore when someone has a typo

You enter a room & 23 people greet you with [hugs] or ** kisses **

You stop typing whole words and use things like ppl dunno, and lemme

Your voice mail answering machine message is "BRB" leave you s/n & I will TTYL"

you type faster than you think

You got your psychiatrist addicted to AOL too & are now undergoing therapy in private rooms instead of at his office

You want to be buried with your computer when it dies or vice versa

You actually enjoy the fact that you are addicted

You can actually read & follow all the names of the cast that scrolls up your TV screen at the end of a movie

People say " if it weren't for you super reflexes in your eyes & fingers you would have been classified as a vegetable

You dream in "text"

Being called a Newbie is "MAJOR" insult

there is absolutely no interesting chat in any room & you're really bored

You don't want to leave in case you miss something

you double click your TV remote

You can now type over 70 wpm





Ohhhhhhh boy why do I resemble almost every one???


Quote

i finished a really big book yesterday 500 pages!
thats a lot of colouring if you think about it!

if a fire breaks out actually in the stairway is it ok to use the lift?


Quote

The following is supposedly a true story. To be included, besides being true, the story is most likely strange, weird, surprising, or funny.

Gerrad, a friend of mine, bought a computer, even though he had never even used a typewriter before. After investigating the computer, he decided to call the help line. A friendly voice explained step by step how his new machine worked. All went well until the voice told him to press the space bar. After studying the keyboard, Gerrad said; "I've got the latest model and it doesn't have a space bar." But after further explanation, he managed to find it.

A week later, Gerrad again had problems and called the help line. An instructor was then sent to his house for training. But after a few minutes, Gerrad's head was spinning. "You don't need to go any further," he sighed, I don't understand a thing."

To cheer him up, the instructor said: "Hey, there are people who understand a lot less than you. Last week we had someone on the phone who didn't even know where the space bar was!" Quote