Last week a very important meeting took place among God, the Pope and Moses. They were troubled because the President of the United States was behaving in an inappropriate manner and there were many people who saw nothing wrong in what he had done. They decided that the only course of action left was to create an 11th Commandment to get their message across.

Now, the problem remained exactly how to word this new commandment so that it matched the other commandments in style and holy inspiration. After great meditation and discussion they concluded: "Thou shalt not comfort thy rod with thy staff."






A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"





Ma and Pa where rocking on the front porch when Pa turned and slapped Ma, Ma said what was that for? Pa said for forty years of bad sex. Ma said oh and continued rocking. Ma reached over and slapped Pa. Pa said what was that for? Ma said for knowing the difference.





Top Ten Acronyms Least Used In Personal Ads

10. JRLA -- Janet Reno Look-Alike

9. CWP -- Cigar-Wielding President

8. MSG S/G W/B M/F KOPWPFYB -- Moon walking Single-Gloved Straight/Gay White/Black Male/Female King Of Pop With Predilection For Young Boys

7. RHMI -- Really Hip Macarena Instructor

6. HAWGSOH -- Heroin Addict with Great Sense of Humor

5. STLSM -- Show Tune-Loving Straight Male

4. SWFWHBTP -- Single White Female Who Has Blown the President

3. EHWC -- Extremely Hairy White Chick

2. WARSADAP -- Works At Radio Shack and Drives A Pinto and the Number One

1. WSUBFC -- Will Screw Ugly Bastards for Cash









One fine morning in Eden, God was looking for Adam and Eve, but couldn't find them. Later in the day God saw Adam and asked where he and Eve were earlier. Adam said, "The morning Eve and I made love for the first time."

God said, "Adam, you have sinned. I knew this would happen. Where is Eve now?"

Adam replied, "She's down at the river, washing herself out."

"Damn," says God, "now all the fish will smell funny."


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Knock Knock...

Who's there?

Smell mop...

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As the man began walking toward the door, his wife asked, "Where are you going?"

The man replied, "I'm going to the doctor."

"Why? Are you sick?" the wife asked.

"No," the husband replied. "I'm going to get me some of them new Viagra pills."

His wife got up out of her rocker and started putting on her coat. The husband turned to her and asked, "Where are you going?"

The wife replied, "I'm going to the doctor, too."

"Why?" asked her husband.

His wife replied, "If you're going to start using that rusty old thing again, I'm going to get me a tetanus shot." Quote

Two Texans were having lunch at their favorite
restaurant when they noticed
a young woman at the next table having trouble
breathing.

One of the Texans got up, walked over to her table,
took her face in his big
Texan hands and said, "Kin ya swaller?" She shook
her head 'no.' "Kin ya
breathe?" Again she shakes her head 'no.'

The Texan grabs her around the waist with one of his
big Texan hands, turns
her over, pulls up her skirt, pulls down her panties
and licks her right on
the bottom! Of course the young woman was so shocked
that she coughed
causing the food to dislodge. The big Texan pulls
up her panties, pulls
down her skirt, turns her right side up, tips his
hat and returns to his seat.


His companion is sitting there stunned. "I have
never seen anything like
that in my whole life!" he says to his heroic
friend. The hero replies,
"Yeah, I tell ya, that Hind Lick maneuver works
every time!"

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Simpsons - Do The Bartman - Music Video

You now have ANOTHER video of me here

Be careful - NO nudity yet


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what is the difference between acne and a catholic priest?
Acne usually comes on a boys face after he turns 12

If I had a rooster and you had a donkey and your donkey ate my rooster. What would you have?
2 ft. of my cock in your ass.

What's slimy cold long and smells like pork?
Kermit the frogs finger

How did Burger King get Diary Queen Pregnant?
He forgot to wrap his whopper.

What is the difference between a sin and shame?
It's a sin to stick it in and a shame to take it out.

Two eggs boiling in a pan, one male and one female.
The female egg says "Look, I've got a crack"
"No good telling me" replies the male egg "I'm not hard yet"


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I just bought a horse name My Face. It's not very fast, but imagine all the people in the stand yelling, "Come on My Face, Come on My Face!"

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A guy named Joe receives a free ticket to the SuperBowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Joe arrives at the stadium, he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium, he's closer to the Goodyear Blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Joe sees through his binoculars an empty seat 10 rows off the field right on the 50 yardline.

He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat. As he sits down, Joe asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?"

The man says "No."

Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Joe again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the SuperBowl and not use it?!"

The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first SuperBowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1967."

"Well, that's really sad," said Joe, "but still, you couldn't find anyone to take the seat? A friend or close relative?" "No," the man replies, "They're all at the funeral."



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One Sunday afternoon, a guy walks into a bar with his pet dog. The bartender said, "Sorry, pal. No pets allowed." The man replied, "This is a special dog. Turn on the Jets game and you'll see." The bartender, anxious to see what will happen, turned on the game. The guy said, "Watch. Whenever the Jets score, my dog does flips." The Jets keep scoring field goals and the dog keeps flipping and jumping. "Wow! That's one hell of a dog you got there. What happens when the Jets score a touchdown?" asked the bartender. The man replied, "I don't know. I've only had him for seven years."


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A guy named Bob receives a free ticket to the Super Bowl from his company. Unfortunately, when Bob arrives at the stadium he realizes the seat is in the last row in the corner of the stadium he's closer to the Goodyear blimp than the field. About halfway through the first quarter, Bob notices an empty seat that was 10 rows off the field, right on the 50 yard line. He decides to take a chance and makes his way through the stadium and around the security guards to the empty seat.

As he sits down, he asks the gentleman sitting next to him, "Excuse me, is anyone sitting here?" The man says no. Now, very excited to be in such a great seat for the game, Bob again inquires of the man next to him, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this at the Super Bowl and not use it?" The man replies, "Well, actually, the seat belongs to me, I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Super Bowl we haven't been together at since we got married in 1965." Well, that's really sad," says Bob, "but still, couldn't you find someone to take the seat? Was it a relative or close friend?" No," the man replies, "they're all at the funeral."


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During preseason training, a college football lineman married one of the team's cheerleaders. The coach was a bit surprised and remarked to his star football player, "You are such a big, burley guy. Why in the world did you marry such a tiny, petite woman? She is no bigger than your hand." "That's right, Coach," replied the lineman. "But, she's much better!"


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The huge college freshman decided to try out for the football team. "Can you tackle?" asked the coach. "Watch this," said the freshman, who proceeded to run smack into a telephone pole, shattering it to splinters. "Wow," said the coach. "I'm impressed. Can you run?"
"Of course I can run," said the freshman. He was off like a shot, and, in just over nine seconds, he had run a hundred yard dash. "Great!" enthused the coach. "But can you pass a football?" The freshman hesitated for a few seconds. "Well, sir," he said, "if I can swallow it, I can probably pass it."


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Mommy Bear and Daddy Bear were in divorce court. The judge looked down and asked the Baby Bear, "So Baby Bear, do you want to live with Daddy Bear?" "Oh, no," Baby Bear replied, "I don't want to live with Daddy Bear. He beat me." "Well then, you should live with Mommy Bear," answered the judge. "On, no, I don't want to live with Mommy Bear. She beat me." "Well then, Baby Bear, who do you want to live with?" Baby Bear said, "I want to live with the Chicago Bears. They don't beat anybody!"



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A couple of Yogi Berra's team mates on the Yankees ball club swear that one night the stocky catcher was horrified to see a baby toppling off the roof of a cottage across the way from him. Yogi dashed over and made a miraculous catch - but then force of habit proved too much for him. He straightened up and threw the baby to second base.


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One day, the Devil challenged the Lord to a baseball game. Smiling the Lord proclaimed, "You don't have a chance; I have Babe Ruth, Mickey Mantle, and all the greatest players up here". "Yes", snickered the devil, "but I have all the umpires."


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A rookie pitcher was struggling at the mound, so the catcher walked up to have a talk with him. "I've figured out your problem," he told the young southpaw. "You always lose control at the same point in every game." "When is that?" "Right after the National Anthem."


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Two guys are walking down a street in hell when it begins to snow. One guy looks up at it and says, "Well, it finally happened. The Cubs just won the World Series."

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A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring run....run! The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent: "R-r-run you bastard, r-run will you!" A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run will you!" The next batter held his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk the Scotsman stands up yelling "R-r-run you bastard, r-r-run!" All the surrounding fans giggle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whisper, "He doesn't have to run, he's got four balls." After this explanation the Scotsman stands up in disbelief and screams, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with pr-r-ride!!!!"
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I was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and behind a fence all the patients were shouting,

'13...13....13...13.'


The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little hole in one of the planks and looked through to see what was going on.

Some bastard poked me in the eye with a stick.


Then they all started shouting:

'14...14...14...14....'.


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THE NEW PASSWORD

A woman was helping her husband set up his new computer, and at the appropriate time in the process,~ told him he would now need to enter a password. Something he would use to log-on.

Her husband was in a rather devilish mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention.. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in:

P E N I S

His wife fell out of her chair laughing when the computer replied

***PASSWORD INVALID...........NOT LONG ENOUGH Quote

AN ODE TO ORAL SEX

Penis breath, a lover's dread
Is what you get when you give head
Unpleasant as it tends to be
Be grateful that he doesn't pee
It's times like this, you wonder why
you bothered reaching for his fly
But it's too late, can't be a tease
Accept the facts, get on your knees
You know you've got a job to do
So open wide and shove it through
Lick the tip then take it all
Don't drag your teeth or he might bawl
Slide up and down, use your tongue
And feel the precum start to run
So when the fuck's he gonna cum
Just, when you can't take anymore
You hear your lover's mighty roar
And when he hits that real high note
You feel it oozing down your throat
Salty, fishy, sticky, yuck!y stuff
Okay, already that's enough
Let's switch you say, before you gag
And what's your revenge, your on the rag.
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PICKLED PENIS

There was this lady and she really wanted to have sex, but she was to scared to ask her husband so she went to a jipsy and told her her problem.

The jipsy rummaged around in a chest and pulled out a pickle jar with a penis in it, and said "All you have to do is open the jar and say 'Pickle penis my vigina' and it will start having sex with you".

So later she tries out the pickle penis and it works great. That is until her husband walks in and he shouts "WHAT THE HELL IS THAT" and the woman says "It's a pickled penis"

Unfortunately her husband replied "PICKLE PENIS MY ASS"



A GIRL'S FIRST TIME

As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for a while searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you.

He asks if you're afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has had more experience, but it's the first time his finger has found the right place.

He probes deeply and you shiver; your body tenses; but he's gentle like he promised he'd be.

He looks deeply within your eyes and tells you to trust him-he's done this many times before.

His cool smile relaxes you and you open wider to give him more room for an easy entrance. You begin to plead and beg him to hurry, but he slowly takes his time, wanting to cause you as little pain as possible. As he presses closer, going deeper, you feel the tissue give way; pain surges throughout your body and you feel the slight trickle of blood as he continues. He looks at you concerned and asks you if it's too painful. Your eyes are filled with tears but you shake your head and nod for him to go on. He begins going in and out with skill but you are now too numb to feel him within you.

After a few moments, you feel something bursting within you and he pulls it out of you, you lay panting, glad to have it over. He looks at you and smiling warmly, tells you, with a chuckle; that you have been his most stubborn yet most rewarding experience.

You smile and thank your dentist. After all, it was your first time to have a tooth pulled.

Naughty, Naughty!

Excuse me, What were you thinkin'?





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STUPIDITY TEST

1. The clitoris is a type of flower.
True or False

2. A pubic hair is a wild rabbit.
True or False

3. Spread Eagle is an extinct bird.
True or False

4. Vagina is a medical term used to describe a Heart Attack.
True or False

5. A menstrual cycle has three wheels.
True or False

6. A G-string is part of a fiddle.
True or False

7. Semen is a term for sailors.
True or False

8. Anus is a Latin term for yearly.
True or False

9. Testicles are found on an Octopus.
True or False

10. Asphalt describes rectal problems.
True or False

11. KOTEX is a radio station in Cincinnati.
True or False

12. Masturbate is used to catch large fish.
True or False

13. Coitus is a musical instrument.
True or False

14. Fetus is a character on Gunsmoke.
True or False

15. An umbilical cord is part of a parachute.
True or False

16. A condom is a large apartment complex.
True or False

17. An orgasm is a person who accompanies a church choir.
True or False

18. A diaphragm is a drawing in geometry.
True or False

19. A dildo is a variety of sweet pickle.
True or False

20. An erection is when Japanese people vote.
True or False

21. A lesbian is a person from the Middle East.
True or False

22. Sodomy is a special land of fast growing grass.
True or False

23. Pornography is the business of making records.
True or False

24. Genitals are people of non-Jewish origin.
True or False


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Redneck Children

"You've just had your twelvth baby miss. What are you going to name this one?"

"Phil"

"But you named the last eleven phil"

"Yeah its great. I say phil go clean the room, they all go clean their room. I say phil come for dinner, they all come for dinner."

"But what if you only want one of them?"

"Oh! Then I call them by thier last name." Quote

Be warned - I have about 10 texts I have to type up on here when I returnm and those of you that visit the same rooms as me will KNOW my kind of jokes. Quote

Now, I�m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay, here�s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit�s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming �SHIT! SHIT!.� Now, my good friend, Tom we�ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting �FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN�T GET IT! FUCK!.� By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here�s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I�m� I�m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.�
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn�t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob. Quote

Now, I�m sure many of you have encountered little shits in supermarkets. Little kids running about and knocking things over, being rude, walking all over their parents, you know the kind. But the worst are the biters. Yes, those little cunts that feel it is okay to bite you whenever they feel like it.
Okay, here�s the best part. A biter got me today when I was grocery stopping. He broke the fucking skin, too. This was when the gears started turning, the moment I saw a tiny sprickle of blood on the little shit�s teeth as he was grinning at me like the little cunt he is. I made my eyes get wide, and started screaming �SHIT! SHIT!.� Now, my good friend, Tom we�ll call him, was there too, and he instantly picked up on it. He started shouting �FUCK! MAYBE HE DIDN�T GET IT! FUCK!.� By now, the kid is scared shitless and starts crying, and instantly, Mizz Mom appears out of nowhere and starts getting pissy at us for yelling at her kid.
Here�s the kicker, I look her straight in the eye and say, "Miss, get your son tested as soon as possible, he just bit me and I�m� I�m FUCKING HIV POSITIVE.�
And now there is silence. Not a peep in the entire store. The brat knows he just fucked up big time because his mom isn�t defending his ass. She just stares at me wide eyed. I walk away from them, buy my shit from the wide eyed cashier, all the while blood is dripping from my calf, making a nice little trail on the floor. And, just as we leave, we start to hear the mother sobbing. Sobbing like the cunt she is.
I have never felt any more satisfaction than the moment I heard that sob.




I want to use this one Quote

WOW!!!

So glad this thread's here. I'm not good at telling jokes...but guess what I AM good at??? hee, hee, hee. Hhmmm, wonder why I get told "shut up" so much?...lmao

Anyway, just wanted to say "thanks for the laughs"...I sure needed it today!!! Quote