A Male Fairy Tale:
Once upon a time, a Prince asked a beautiful Princess "Will you marry me?" The Princess said "NO !!!" And the Prince lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and humped skinny long-legged big titted girls and hunted and fished and raced cars and went to naked bars and dated women half his age and drank whisky, beer and never heard bitching and never paid child support or divorce settlement and kept his house and guns and ate egg and chips and beans and blew enormous farts and all his friends and family thought he was a cool bugger and he had tons of money in the bank and left the toilet seat up and pissed outside when he wanted.
The End Quote

The 7 point guide on "how to wash a cat"

1- find toilet,
2- add soap powder,
3- add cat,
4- shut lid, [don't worry the cat is self agitating],
5- flush to rinse,
6- lift lid ,
7- RUN!!! Quote

Little boy arrives home to find his mum and dad having sex on the sofa. . .
Dad says, "Don't worry son I'm just filling mummy with petrol."
Son replies,
"She doesn't do many miles to the gallon does she dad. . ? uncle Dave only filled her up this morning and he used a bigger nozzle.!!! Quote

Economic models explained with cows


SOCIALISM You have 2 cows. You give one to your neighbour.

COMMUNISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and gives you some milk.

FASCISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and sells you some milk.

NAZISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both and shoots you.

BUREAUCRATISM You have 2 cows. The State takes both, shoots one, milks the other, and then throws the milk away.

TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies, and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.

SURREALISM You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

AN AMERICAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyse why the cow has dropped dead.

A FRENCH CORPORATION You have two cows. You go on strike, organise a riot, and block the roads, because you want three cows.

A JAPANESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a clever cow cartoon image called 'Cowkimon' and market it worldwide.

A GERMAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You re-engineer them so they live for 100 years, eat once a month, and milk themselves.

AN ITALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You decide to have lunch.

A RUSSIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and learn you have 2 cows. You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.

A SWISS CORPORATION You have 5000 cows. None of them belong to you. You charge the owners for storing them.

A CHINESE CORPORATION You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim that you have full employment, and high bovine productivity. You arrest the newsman who reported the real situation.

AN INDIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. You worship them.

A BRITISH CORPORATION You have two cows. Both are mad.

AN IRAQI CORPORATION Everyone thinks you have lots of cows. You tell them that you have none. No-one believes you, so they bomb the heck out of you and invade your country. You still have no cows, but at least now you are part of a Democracy.

A NEW ZEALAND CORPORATION You have two cows. The one on the left looks very attractive.

AN AUSTRALIAN CORPORATION You have two cows. Business seems pretty good. You close the office and go for a few beers to celebrate. Quote

NEWER IS NOT ALWAYS BETTER!!!


As I sat down in the pub with my pint, I put my Nokia 3310 on the table in front of me. My mate immediately burst out laughing and put his iPhone next to mine. I gave it a disdainful look.

"Why don't you get a better phone, mate?" he asked.

"I don't need one." I replied. "My phone does everything that I need and it's better than yours."

He burst out laughing again. "Better than mine?" he roared. "Mine has 3G, Wi-Fi, the iMessage service, a best-in-class browser, five megapixel camera, access to the App Store for virtually unlimited customisation plus a built-in iPod for all my music. If yours is better than mine, I'll give you my phone."

"I don't want your phone." I said, "Mine's the best, why would I want a second-best, second-hand phone? I tell you what, though, if I can prove that mine is better than yours, how about you give me the cash equivalent of your phone?"

"You're on!" he crowed. "Show me something with your phone and I'll show you how mine is better."

Casually, I knocked my phone off the table. Quote

One Sunday afternoon, Bob appears at Accident & Emergency.

"Fuck's sake, Doctor," he says, "I've just discovered I've got three balls."

The doctor asks him to undress, then examines him. He finds nothing unusual, so he calls in the shift nurse to get a second opinion, but her careful and thorough examination also draws a blank. They call in another nurse for a third opinion - with the same result.

"You seem to be perfectly normal," says the doctor. "Two testicles like any other man. Why on earth are you here?"

"Well, Doctor," says Bob, "I was sitting at home and the TV was boring, the local cinema is being renovated and I couldn't play golf because it was raining. So I thought I'd just drop by the hospital and get my bollocks fondled." Quote

I picked up a very tall chick last night. Back at her place a packet of condoms dropped out my back pocket.

"Don't worry about those, just use the biscuit barrel over there", she said.

Feeling somewhat inadequate at the thought of the size of cock she was used to, and that she must be built like a bucket, I asked if she was sure.

"Of course", she replied, "just stand on it and when you're about to cum I'll kick it away". Quote

Ten Commandments of Electrical Safety (John Robertson)


(1) Beware of the lightning that lurks in an undischarged capacitor lest it cause thee to be bounced upon thy backside in a most ungainly manner.

(2) Cause thou the switch that supplies large quantities of juice to be opened and thusly tagged, so thy days may be long on this earthly vale of tears.

(3) Prove to thyself that all circuits that radiateth and upon which thou worketh are grounded lest they lift thee to high-frequency potential and cause thee to radiate also.

(4) Take care thou useth the proper method when thou taketh the measure of high-voltage circuits so that thou doth not incinerate both thee and the meter, for verily though thou hast no account number and can be easily replaced, the meter doth have one and as a consequence bringeth much woe upon the supply department.

(5)Tarry thee not amongst those who engage in intentional shocks for they are surely non-believers and are not long for this world.

(6) Take care thou tampereth not with interlocks and safety devices, for this incureth the wrath of thy seniors and bringeth the fury of the safety officer down upon thy head and shoulders.

(7) Work thee not on energized equipment, for if thou doeth, thy mates will surely be buying lunch without thee and thy space at the table will be filled by another.

(8) Verily, verily I say unto thee, never service high-voltage equipment alone, for electric cooking is a slothful process, and thou might sizzle in thy own fat for hours on end before thy Maker sees fit to end thy misery and drag thee into His fold.

(9) Trifle thee not with radioactive tubes and substances lest thou commence to glow in the dark like a lightning bug.

(10) Commit thee to memory the works of the prophets, which are written in the instruction books, which giveth the straight info and which consoleth thee, and thou cannot make mistakes.





Quote

ITS A BOY" I shouted "A BOY, I DON'T BELIEVE IT, ITS A BOY"
and with tears streaming down my face I swore I'd never visit another Thai brothel!!! Quote

Paddy's wife comes home from work to find he has nailed all her sex toys to the wall she screams you silly cunt paddy i said i wanted a DADO RAIL Quote

A man went to the doctor's office to get a double dose of Viagra.

The doctor told him that he couldn't allow him a double dose.

"Why not?" asked the man.

"Because it's not safe," replied the doctor.

"But I need it really bad," said the man.

"Well, why do you need it so badly?" asked the doctor.

The man said, "My girlfriend is coming into town on Friday; my ex-wife will be here on Saturday; and my wife is coming home on Sunday. Can't you see? I have to have a double dose."

The doctor finally relented saying, "'Okay, I'll give it to you, but you have to come in on Monday morning so that I can check you to ensure there haven't been any serious side effects."

On Monday, the man dragged himself in, his right arm in a sling.

The doctor asked, "What happened to you?"

The man said, "No one showed up!" Quote

Johnny, George, and Bert were driving along in their pickup when they saw a sheep caught in the fence with its hind end up in the air.

Bert said, "I wish that was Sharon Stone."

George echoed, "I wish it was Demi Moore."

Little Johnny sighed, "I wish it was dark . . . "







Q: What do you do when your wife's staggering?
A: Shoot her again.







Q: What is the difference between and Virgin and a washing machine?
A: The washing machine doesn't follow you around for two weeks after you dump a load in it!








Mickey goes to the judge after speaking to him before about getting a divorce with Minney. The judge says "I'm sorry Mickey but I couldn't find grounds for divorce for being insane. Mickey looks stunned and says "I didn't say she was insane I said she was fuc**** Goofy








Q: What does a dwarf get if he runs through a womans legs?
A: A clit round the ear and a flap across the face











Bungee jumping is like getting a blowjob off your granny, It feels great but for christs sake don't look down.

Quote

Jack and Jill went up the hill to smoke some marijuana,

Jack got high,
pulled down his fly,
and asked Jill if she wanna.

Jill said yes,
pulled up her dress,
and had a little fun.

But stupid Jill forgot the pill,
and now they have a son

Quote

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?


Fox Mulder:
You saw it cross the road with your own eyes. How many more chickens have to cross the road before you believe it?

Richard M. Nixon:
The chicken did not cross the road. I repeat, the chicken did *not* cross the road.

Jerry Seinfeld:
Why does anyone cross a road? I mean, why doesn't anyone ever think to ask, "What the heck was this *chicken* doing walking around all over the place anyway?"

Oliver Stone:
The question is not "Why did the chicken cross the road? But is rather, "Who was crossing the road at the same time, whom we overlooked in our haste to observe the chicken crossing?"

Darwin:
Chickens, over great periods of time, have been naturally selected in such a way that they are now genetically dispositioned to cross roads.

Louis Farrakhan:
The road, you will see, represents the black man. The chicken crossed the "black man" in order to trample him and keep him down.

Martin Luther King, Jr.:
I envision a world where all chickens will be free to cross roads without having their motives called into question.

Grandpa:
In my day, we didn't ask why the chicken crossed the road. Someone told us that the chicken had crossed the road, and that was good enough for us.

Machiavelli:
The point is that the chicken crossed the road. Who cares why? The end of crossing the road justifies whatever motive there was.

Albert Einstein:
Whether the chicken crossed the road or the road moved beneath the chicken depends upon your frame of reference.

Buddha:
Asking this question denies your own chicken nature.

Ralph Waldo Emerson:
The chicken did not cross the road - it transcended it.

Ernest Hemingway:
To die in the rain.

Pat Buchanan:
To steal a job from a decent, hard-working American.

Thomas de Torquemada:
Give me ten minutes with the chicken and I'll find out.

The Bible:
And God came down from the heavens, and He said unto the chicken, "Thou shalt cross the road." And the Chicken crossed the road, and there was much rejoicing.

Darwin #2:
It was the logical next step after coming down from the trees.

Saddam Hussein:
This was an unprovoked act of rebellion and we were quite justified in dropping 50 tons of nerve gas on it.

Dr. Seuss:
Did the chicken cross the road?
Did he cross it with a toad?
Yes the chicken crossed the road,
but why it crossed, I've not been told!

O.J. Simpson:
It didn't. I was playing golf with the chicken at the time.

Colonel Sanders:
I missed one?

New Yorker:
Get that freakin' chicken off the freakin' road or I'll break its freakin' neck!

New York Chicken:
Hey! I'm walkin' here!

Philadelphian:
Cluck you!

Bill Clinton:
This administration will do everything within its power to provide free access to ALL chickens on ALL our nations roads, at ANY cost.

Hillary Clinton:
That's MY chicken.

Melanie Griffith:
Don't lie about your chicken. Defy it.

Dan Quayle:
Chikken, did sumone saye chikken?

Jack Nicholson:
You WANT that chicken on the road. You NEED that chicken on the road. You're just too much of a chicken to be on that road YOURSELF!

Jewish Chicken:
Vaat? The pig crosses the road and no one notices. But I cross the road and now it's a Federal case already?! Quote

Why Did The Chicken Cross The Road?




Picasso -- Fish

Douglas Adams -- 42!!!


Quote

A man went into a pet shop. "I am playing Long John Silver in the local amateur dramatic society's version of Treasure Island and I need a parrot to sit on my shoulder," he said.

"I don't have any parrots at the moment, but you wouldn't want a real parrot for that. It would squawk in all the wrong places, poop on your shoulder and generally be a nuisance. What you need is a stuffed parrot. Just as realistic and easily controlled."

"I'm not sure a stuffed parrot would be okay," said the customer. "I do want this performance to be as realistic as possible."

"I am sure a stuffed parrot would be fine," said the pet shop owner. "I have one at home. I'll bring it in and if you come back tomorrow you can have it."

"Sorry," said the customer, "I can't make it tomorrow. That's the day I'm having my leg cut off.� Quote

A waitress in a busy restaurant asked a diner if he was ready to order. "Yes," the man replied, "but first I'd like to know how you prepare the chicken."

"Well, replied the waitress casually, "we just tell them straight out they are gonna die." Quote

THE POKER PLAYER................

Two couples were playing poker one evening. Jim accidently dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up he noticed Les's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear. Shocked by this Jim upon trying to sit back on the chair hit his head on the table and emerged red faced.

Later, Jim went into kitchen to get some refreshments, Les's wife followed and asked "did you see anything you liked"? Surprised by her boldness, Jim admitted that he had indeed. She said "well you can have it but it will cost you �200".

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of the offer, Jim says he is interested. Sue tells him her husband plays golf on Friday afternoons and that Jim should come around her house at 2pm next Friday afternoon.

When Friday came round Jim showed up at Les's house sharp at 2pm. and after paying Sue the agreed sum of �200 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction as agreed. Jim quickly dressed and left.

Les came home from golf at 6pm and upon arrival asked his wife, did Jim com by the house this afternoon? With a lump in her throat Sue answered "why yes, he did stop for a few seconds", her heart skipped a beat when her husband further enquired and did he give you �200" and Sue using her best poker face replied "well yes, he did give me �200".

Les, with a satisified look on his face, surprised his wife by saying "he came by the golf club this morning and borrowed �200 from me" He said he would stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back.

Now THAT my friends is a poker player. Quote

A man walks into a pub with a pig under his arm. He sits at the bar and orders a pint. The bartender brings over the pint to the man and asks, "hey fella, what's with the pig?"
The man replies that "this pig is a piano playing pig",

The bartender, amused but skeptical, says "if that pig can play a piano I'll give you one million dollars for it".

The man walks over to the piano and places the pig on the bench and says "play pig play".

The pig begins to play a haunting and melodic version of Danny Boy.

The bartender amazed, and of course seeing a tremendous financial opportunity, runs to the bank and takes out a loan on the pub for one million dollars.

He returns to the pub and hands the man the million dollars. The man leaves the pub smiling.

A month later the man returns to the pub carrying a dog under his arm and sits at the bar.

he orders a pint and places the dog on the bar. The bar tender seeing another financial opportunity asks the man "and tell me, what can the dog do?"

the man says "this dog can sing like an angel". The bartender asks for a demonstration and says, "If this dog can sing as well as the pig plays the piano I'll give you Ten Million dollars".

The man walks over to the piano and places the dog on top. Looking at the pig he says "Play pig play". The pig plays the same version of Danny Boy and the dog begins to sing in the most beautiful Tenor voice that the bartender ever heard.

The bartender runs to the bank and takes out a ten million dollar loan from the bank and runs back to the bar to hand the man the money. The man looks at the bar tender and says to him, "I'm sorry I can not sell you the dog. I am ashamed but I lied to you to get more money out of you".

The bartender confused says " But wait, I heard the dog sing in the most beautiful voice I have ever heard. It was so beautiful it makes the angels jealous".

The man, looking at the floor, says to the bartender.... "No the dog does not sing... the pigs a ventriloquist" Quote

My date invited me back to her place for a coffee last night.

As we walked through her door she ripped her clothes off, throwing me to her sofa.

As she pulled my cock out from my boxers and swung her leg over me I said, "Before you stick that in there, aren't you forgetting something?"

"Dont worry about a condom, I'm on the pill," she smiled.

"I was talking about my fucking coffee," I replied Quote