http://www.flirt4free.com/forums/threads.php?forum_id=4&thread_ id=11967&num_posts=7
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Husband finishes reading the book 'Be the man of your house' and says to the wife "From now on my word is Law. YOU will prepare me a gourmet meal tonight with a sumptuous dessert. Afterwards we will have the kind of sex that I want. YOU will bathe me as I relax, towel me dry then massage my feet and back. Then tomorrow guess who will dress me and comb my hair?"
Wife says "The fucking funeral director would be my first guess" Quote

HEY, ABBOTT!

You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on.. If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on First?" might have turned out something like this:

*COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT*
ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:..... Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT:.......... Mac?
COSTELLO:..... No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT:.......... Your computer?
COSTELLO:..... I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT:......... Mac?
COSTELLO:..... I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT:......... Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO:..... I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT:.......... Wallpaper.
COSTELLO:..... Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT:.......... Software for Windows?
COSTELLO:..... No On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT:.......... Office
COSTELLO:..... Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT:.......... I just did.
COSTELLO:..... You just did what?
ABBOTT:.......... Recommend something.
COSTELLO:..... You recommended something?
ABBOTT:.......... Yes.
COSTELLO:..... For my office?
ABBOTT:.......... Yes.
COSTELLO:..... OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT:.......... Office.
COSTELLO:..... Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT:.......... I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO:..... I already have an office with windows! OK, let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT:......... Word.
COSTELLO:..... What word?
ABBOTT:.......... Word in Office.
COSTELLO:..... The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT:......... The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO:..... Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT:.......... The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO:..... I'm going to click your blue "w" if you don't start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT:.......... Money.
COSTELLO:..... That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT:.......... Money
COSTELLO:..... I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT:.......... It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO:..... What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT:.......... Money.
COSTELLO:..... Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT:.......... Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO:.... I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT:......... One copy.
COSTELLO:..... Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT:.......... Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO:.... They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT:.......... Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT:.......... Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO:..... How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT:.......... Click on "START".... Quote

Good one Suggs

Guess I'm that old Quote

a woman comes home from work to find her husband stark naked on the couch licking fresh air,

"WHaT THE FUCK" are you doing she exclaims

The Husband replies "watching a 3D porno" Quote

And now let's see what's happening in Poets Corner.

The Penis Poem!

My nookie days are over,
My pilot light is out,
What used 2 b my sex appeal is now my water spout!

Time was when, on its own,
from my trousers it would spring,
But now its just a full time job 2 find the fuckin thing!

It used 2 b embarrassing the way it would behave,
4 every single morning it would stand & watch me shave!

Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues,
2 see it hang its little head & watch me tie my shoes! Quote

George Bush and Barack Obama somehow ended up at the same
barber shop.


As they sat there, each being worked on by a different
barber,not a word was spoken. The barbers were even afraid to
start a conversation, for fear it would turn to politics.

As the barbers finished their shaves, the one who had Obama
in his chair reached for the aftershave. Obama was quick to stop him
saying, 'No thanks, my wife Michelle will smell that and think I've
been in a whorehouse.'

The second barber turned to Bush and said, 'How about you sir ?'
Bush replied, 'Go ahead; my wife doesn't know what the inside
of a whorehouse smells like.'




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Thank God I�m a Pubic Hair
Lyrics and Vocals by: John Valby

Sung to the tune of �Thank God I�m a Country Boy�

Well life on her crotch is kinda laid back
Watchin� them peckers tryin� to get in her crack
I get messy when they�re slippin� off the track
Thank god I�m a pubic hair

Well she fluffs me up when she�s goin� on a date
Brushes me aside when she�s gonna masturbate
Scratches me to death if her period is late
Thank god I�m a pubic hair

When she�s not really horny she uses vaseline
Takes a little show then rubs me clean
I appreciate when I�m covered with cream
Thank god I�m a pubic hair

Well I like it when they eat but I don�t like when they diddle
I get crushed when they�re poundin� on her middle
Curl right up when she takes a little piddle
Thank god I�m a pubic hair
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She was in the kitchen, preparing the usual soft-boiled eggs 4 breakfast, wearing only a 'T' shirt.

She turned to him & said softly, 'we've got to have sex - right now!' He couldn't believe his luck.

Without delay they had sex on the kitchen table. Afterwards she said,'Thanks,' and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, he asked, 'What was that all about?'

She explained, 'The egg timer's broken' Quote

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.

"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes said Watson pondered for a minute.

"Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, Some ------- has stolen our tent."

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The list of Different kinds of shits

Ghost Shit
That's the kind where you feel the shit come out, have shit on the toilet paper, but there is no shit in the toilet.

Clean Shit
The kind where you shit it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.

Second Wave Shit
It happens when you're done shitting, you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realise that you have to shit some more.

Brain Hemorrage Shit
Also known as "Pop a vein in your forehead " shit. the kind where you strain so much to get it out that you practically have a stroke.

Sweetcorn shit
Self Explanatory

Log shit
The kind of shit that is so huge that you're afraid to flush the toilet without breaking it into a few pieces with your toilet brush

Drinkers shit
That is the kind of shit that you have the morning after a long night of drinking - its most noticeable trait is the skid marks left on the bottom of the toilet .

"Gee I wish I could shit" shit
Its the kind of shit where you want to shit, but all you do is sit on the toilet with cramps and fart a few times.

Spinal Tap Shit
That's the one where it hurts so much coming out that you swear it was leaving you sideways.

Wet Cheeks Shit Also known as "The Power dump"
That's the kind that comes out of your ass so fast that your butt cheeks get splashed with the toilet water.

Liquid Shit
The kind where yellowish-brown liquid shoots out of your butt, spashes all over the inside of the toilet bowl and, at the same time, chronically burns your tender poop-chute.

Mexican Food Shit
A class all its own

The Crowd Pleaser
This shit is so intriguing in size and/or appearance that you have to show it to someone.

Mood Enhancer
This shit occurs after a lengthy period of constipation, allowing you to be your old self again.

The Ritual
This shit occurs at the same time time each day and is accomplished with the aid of a newspaper

Guiness Book of Records Shit
A shit so noteworthy it should be recorded for future generations

The aftershock shit
This shit has an odor so powerful that anyone entering the vicinity within the next 7 hours is affected.

The Honeymoons over shit
This is any shit created in the presence of another person.

Groaner
Ashit so huge it cannot exit without vocal assistance

Floater
Characterized by its floatability, this shit has been known to resurface after many flushes

Ranger
A shit which refuses to let go. It is usually necessary to engage in a rocking or bouncing motion, but quite often the only solution is to push it away with a small piece of toilet paper

Phantom Shit
This appears in the toilet mysteriously and no one will admit putting it there

Peek-a-boo-shit
Now you see it, now you don't. this shit is playing games with you. Requires patience and muscle control

The bombshell
A shit that comes as a complete surprise at a time that is either inappropriate to shit (i.e. during love making or a root canal) or you are nowhere near shitting facilities.

Snake Charmer
A long skinny shit which has managed to coil into a frightening position - usually harmless Olympic Shit This shit occurs exactly one hour prior to the start of any competitive event in which you are entered and bears a close resemblance to the Drinkers shit. Quote

Twelve Days of Fast Food
On the first day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
A Big Bacon Classic with cheese.


On the second day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Two Happy Meals,
and a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the third day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fourth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the fifth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the sixth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the seventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eighth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the ninth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the tenth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the eleventh day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with cheese.

On the twelfth day of Christmas,
My drive through gave to me:
Twelve bags of Pepto,
Eleven pounds of blubber,
Ten baked potatoes,
Nine polish hot dogs,
Eight bowls of chili,
Seven pints of cole slaw,
Six chocolate milkshakes,
Five onion rings,
Four Egg McMuffins,
Three Biggie Fries,
Two Happy Meals,
And a Big Bacon Classic with Cheese

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Ugly bloke walks into a pub with big grin on his face. "What are you so happy about?" asks the landlord.
"Well, I live by the railway and on my way home last night, I noticed a woman tied to the tracks. I cut her free and we shagged all night. Loads of sex! Shagged her tits, even did her up the arse! I loved it."
"Did you get a blowjob?", the barman asked.
"No No", he says, "Never found her head!" Quote

Man said 2 his wife i had 2 show the grey hair on my chest 2 get my pension. Wife said should have shown your cock we could have got disability allowance! Quote

The bride said she wanted three children, while the young husband said two would be enough for him.

They discussed this discrepancy for a few minutes until the husband thought he�d put an end to things by saying boldly,

�After our second child, I�ll just have a vasectomy.�

Without a moments hesitation, the bride retorted, �Well, I hope you�ll love the third one just as if it�s your own.�?

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A pretty teacher was concerned with one of her students.

Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, �Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?�

�I�m in love,� the boy replied.

Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, �With whom?�

�With YOU!� he said.

�But Johnny,� she said gently, �don�t you see how silly that is? It�s true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don�t want a child.�

�Oh, don�t worry,� the boy said reassuringly, �I�ll use a rubber!�

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I took the wife bungee jumping at the weekend. She jumped first. As her body hit and spread out over the rocks below,
I thought,"That'll fuking teach you to lie about your weight!
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Little Sally said to her Mummy: "Mummy, Mummy, I saw Little Johnny's penis today!"

Mummy was not amused. "You shouldn't be seeing things like that at your age."

Little Sally replied: "It was like a peanut!"

Mummy relaxed slightly, and chuckled. "Why, was it small?"

"No", answered Little Sally. "Salty." Quote

Two nuns, Sister Catherine and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Catherine. "What shall we do?"

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican ," says Sister Helen.

Sister Catherine turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

"Now what?" shouts Sister Catherine.

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

"Now you're talking," says Sister Catherine.

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"
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Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."


The gas pump, of course, didn't respond.
The younger alien became angry at the lack of response.
The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.'

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response.
Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!"
The older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.'


'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch.
Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head.


'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?'

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied,

'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
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