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Games: (MOVED) Join Me In A Laugh
Created by:
suggs
1/14/10 @ 12:32pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
Renault and Ford are working on a new small car for women.
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus,
and calling it the Clitaurus.
The average male car thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is Quote
They are mixing the Clio and the Taurus,
and calling it the Clitaurus.
The average male car thief won't be able to find it,
even if someone tells him where it is Quote
I know we have a couple of these threads in the VIP Forums. but let's get some fresh jokes from everyone here in the General Forums 
How do you get a one arm blonde out the tree?
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How do you get a one arm blonde out the tree?
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A young Irishman sat at a pub in the New World drinking beer and conversin' with the barkeep. Another comes in and sits besides him. He says how you do and hears the lilt and says you be Irish? Yes I am. The first man yells barkeep give us another round and one for my friend here he's from the mother country as well. The second man asks-so where in the old country ye from. Dublin responds the first. Dublin you say - so am I and the second man hollers barkeep bring us another round and a shot of your best Irish Whiskey for me and my friend here. Afterwards the first man asks from where in Dublin and the second man responds with the street and the first man says well I'll be - so am I and yells barkeep another pair of beers and Irish Whiskey for the pair of us. The phone behind the bar rings and the barkeep answers it. The owner of the pub asks - how is business. The barkeep responds - not too bad - The O'Malley twins are here getting drunk again
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Padraic Flaherty came home drunk every evening toward ten. Now, the Missus was never too happy about it, either. So one night she hides in the cemetery and figures to scare the beejeezus out of him. As poor Pat wanders by, up from behind a tombstone she jumps in a red devil costume screaming,
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister." Quote
"Padraic Sean Flaherty, sure and ya' don't give up you're drinkin' and it's to Hell I'll take ye'".
Pat, undaunted, staggered back and demanded,
"Who the hell ARE you?".
Too that the Missus replied,
"I'm the divil ya' damned old fool".
To which Flaherty remarked,
"Damned glad to meet you sir, I'm married to yer sister." Quote
McQuillan walked into a bar and ordered martini after martini, each time removing the olives and placing them in a jar. When the jar was filled with olives and all the drinks consumed, the Irishman started to leave.
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives Quote
"S'cuse me," said a customer, who was puzzled over what McQuillan had done. "What was that all about?"
"Nothing," said the Irishman, "my wife just sent me out for a jar of olives Quote
One day an Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together. They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head. The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust. The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened. The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT YOU BASTARD!!!!
Quote
Created by:
lickau
1/16/10 @ 2:39am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Moving slowly but surely somewhere sometime
Posts: 29,285
I'm the richter scale and Haiti 7.0 was my idea!
'awaits the complaints, maybe i should of let the dust settle first'
Haiti is a tragedy
Poor taste to joke during human suffering
Quote
'awaits the complaints, maybe i should of let the dust settle first'
Haiti is a tragedy
Poor taste to joke during human suffering
Quote
Smart Boy
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat." Quote
Old man sitting on his front porch in Louisiana watching the sunrise sees the neighbor's kid walk by carrying something big under his arm.
He yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of chicken wire."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says, "Catch some chickens."
The old man yells, "You damn fool, you can't catch chickens with chicken wire!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That evening at sunset the boy comes walking by and to the old man's surprise, he is dragging behind him the chicken wire with about 30 chickens caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man is out watching the sunrise and he sees the boy walk by carrying something kind of round in his hand.
The old man yells out, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy yells back, "Roll of duck tape."
The old man says, "What you gonna do with that?"
The boy says back, "Catch me some ducks."
The old man yells back, "You damn fool, you can't catch ducks with duck tape!"
The boy just laughs and keeps walking.
That night, around sunset, the boy walks by coming home and to the old man's amazement, he is trailing behind him the unrolled roll of duck tape with about 35 ducks caught in it.
At the same time the next morning, the old man sees the boy walking by carrying what looks like a long reed with something fuzzy on the end.
The old man says, "Hey boy, whatcha got there?"
The boy says, "It's a pussy willow."
The old man says "Hold on, I'll get my hat." Quote
Hair Style
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!" Quote
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half.
Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice.
A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!" Quote
Created by:
g-mann
1/20/10 @ 7:48pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
"Mr. Clark, I have reviewed this case very carefully," the divorce Court Judge said, "And I've decided to give your wife $775 a week."
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.."
-----------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute....."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.."
Quote
"That's very fair, your honor," the husband said. "And every now and then I'll try to send her a few bucks myself.."
-----------------------------------------------
A doctor examining a woman who had been rushed to the Emergency Room, took the husband aside, and said, "I don't like the looks of your wife at all."
"Me neither doc," said the husband. "But she's a great cook and really good with the kids."
-----------------------------------------------------
An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."
----------------------------------------------------
A blonde calls Delta Airlines and asks, "Can you tell me how long it'll take to fly from San Francisco to New York City ?"
The agent replies, "Just a minute....."
"Thank you," the blonde says, and hangs up.
-----------------------------------------------------
Moe: "My wife got me to believe in religion."
Joe: "Really?"
Moe: "Yeah. Until I married her I didn't believe in hell.."
Quote
Organs
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
Concerned about her friend's welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!" Quote
A prostitute visited a colleague in the hospital just before she was about to have a heart transplant.
Concerned about her friend's welfare, the prostitute went up to the surgeon and said, "Doctor, I'm worried about my friend. What if her body rejects the organ?"
The doctor replied, "Well, she's 34 years old and is in extremely good health, apart from her heart. How long has she been in the business?"
The patient's friend replied, "She's been working since she was 18 years old, but what's that got to do with anything?"
"Well," said the doctor, "if she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!" Quote
Created by:
d9itl8r
3/13/10 @ 3:16pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143
Balance...........
God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel, found Him resting on the seventh day..
He inquired, "Where have you been?"
God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made."
Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, "What is it?"
"It's a planet," replied God, and I've put life on it.. I'm going to call it Earth. It's going to be a place to test Balance."
"Balance?" inquired Michael, "I'm still confused."
God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth, while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I've placed a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black people. Balance in all things."
God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."
The Archangel , impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land area and said, "What's that one?"
"That's the Province of Ontario , the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and beaches. The people from the Ontario are going to be handsome, modest, intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of peace, and producers of good things."
Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, "But what about balance, God? You said there would be balance.."
God smiled, "There's Toronto ! Wait till you see the hockey team I put there."
Quote
Created by:
suggs
3/13/10 @ 3:33pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
Watever you give a woman, she wil make it greater.
Give her sperm she will make a baby.
Give her a house she will make a home.
Give her groceries she will make you a meal.
Give her a smile she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what she is given,
so if u give her any crap be ready to receive a ton of shit. Quote
Give her sperm she will make a baby.
Give her a house she will make a home.
Give her groceries she will make you a meal.
Give her a smile she will give you her heart.
She multiplies and enlarges what she is given,
so if u give her any crap be ready to receive a ton of shit. Quote
Created by:
d9itl8r
3/16/10 @ 10:23am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143
The Clever Leprechaun...
A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While hes doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.
Im sorry for staring, says the guy, but youre huge.
Thats because Im a leprechaun, says the short man. All leprechauns are well-endowed.
Id do anything to have a penis that size, sighs the guy.
It just so happens that I can grant wishes, says the leprechaun. If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, Ill give you a bigger penis.
The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As theyre going at it, the man cries out, I cant believe Im letting a leprechaun screw me!
I cant believe that you believe Im a leprechaun!
Quote
A guy has a few drinks at a bar, then heads to the rest room. While hes doing his business, a very short man takes the urinal next to him and whips out a 10-inch johnson.
Im sorry for staring, says the guy, but youre huge.
Thats because Im a leprechaun, says the short man. All leprechauns are well-endowed.
Id do anything to have a penis that size, sighs the guy.
It just so happens that I can grant wishes, says the leprechaun. If you let me have sex with you in the bathroom stall, Ill give you a bigger penis.
The man thinks it over and decides he wants a giant schlong. As theyre going at it, the man cries out, I cant believe Im letting a leprechaun screw me!
I cant believe that you believe Im a leprechaun!
Quote
Created by:
d9itl8r
3/16/10 @ 10:30am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143
Potentially vs. Realistically...
A little boy comes home from school and tells his father that his homework assignment is to find out the difference between potentially and realistically.
Easy, says his father. First, ask Mom if shed sleep with the mailman for a million dollars.
The boy runs off, then comes back and says, She said yes.
Now go ask your sister the same question, advises the father.
Again the boy runs off, and again he comes back and says, She said yes.
So, potentially, were sitting on two million dollars, replies the father. But, realistically, were living with a couple of whores.
Quote
Created by:
d9itl8r
4/3/10 @ 1:52pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Practicing my Lotto 6/49 Happy Dance !
Posts: 3,143
THE LITTLE MOLE HOLE...
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yum! I smell maple syrup!'
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....
MOL-ASSES !
Quote
A papa mole, a mama mole, and a baby mole,
all live together in a little mole hole.
One day, papa mole sticks his head
out of the hole, sniffs the air and said,
' Yum! I smell maple syrup!'
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole,
sniffs the air and said, 'Oh, Yum! I smell honey!'
Now baby mole is trying to stick his head
out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't
because the bigger moles are in the way.
This makes him whine, 'Geez, all I can smell is....
MOL-ASSES !
Quote
Created by:
g-mann
4/4/10 @ 3:56pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Teddy's BBQ Place in Hello Kitty Land on Route 66
Posts: 9,786
An adorable little girl walked into a pet shop and asked... "Excuse me; do you have any rabbits here?"
"We do" the sales representative answered...
By leaning down to her eye level she asked, "Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?"
She shrugged and said "I don't think my python really cares". Quote
"We do" the sales representative answered...
By leaning down to her eye level she asked, "Did you want a white rabbit or would you rather have a soft, fuzzy black rabbit?"
She shrugged and said "I don't think my python really cares". Quote
Created by:
suggs
4/8/10 @ 1:15pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Left of centre
Posts: 6,768
A man in an airplane needs to use the restroom, but finds the men's room occupied.
He asks a stewardess if it would be alright if he were to use the women's restroom. She replies that it would be OK, but warns him not to press the red button labeled "ATR."
The man enters the restroom and takes care of business. Then he turns around and sees three buttons on the wall behind him. Out of curiosity, he presses the first, and he is sprayed with a stream of water.
He figures "What the hell," and presses the second. This time he is wiped clean. Finally, he takes a look at the third button.
He thinks for a second, then presses it. Everything goes black. The next thing he knows, he is in a hospital, and there is a great pain in his groin.
Eventually, a nurse enters, and he asks, "What happened to me?".
She replies, "The third button you pushed was the one labeled 'ATR,' which stands for 'Automatic Tampon Removal.'
"Your balls are on your nightstand and your penis is in the bedpan under the bed."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive organ
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today us it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply appropriate measures, It can spread viruses.
3. If you use it to much, youl'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. Quote
He asks a stewardess if it would be alright if he were to use the women's restroom. She replies that it would be OK, but warns him not to press the red button labeled "ATR."
The man enters the restroom and takes care of business. Then he turns around and sees three buttons on the wall behind him. Out of curiosity, he presses the first, and he is sprayed with a stream of water.
He figures "What the hell," and presses the second. This time he is wiped clean. Finally, he takes a look at the third button.
He thinks for a second, then presses it. Everything goes black. The next thing he knows, he is in a hospital, and there is a great pain in his groin.
Eventually, a nurse enters, and he asks, "What happened to me?".
She replies, "The third button you pushed was the one labeled 'ATR,' which stands for 'Automatic Tampon Removal.'
"Your balls are on your nightstand and your penis is in the bedpan under the bed."
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Top 10 Reasons Why E-Mail is Like a Male Reproductive organ
10. Those who have it would be devastated if it were ever cut off.
9. Those who have it think that those who don't are somehow inferior.
8. Those who don't have it may agree that it's neat, but think it's not worth the fuss that those who have it make about it.
7. Many of those who don't have it would like to try it (e-mail envy).
6. It's more fun when it's up, but this makes it hard to get any real work done.
5. In the distant past, its only purpose was to transmit information vital to the survival of the species. Some people still think that's the only thing it should be used for, but most folks today us it for fun most of the time.
4. If you don't apply appropriate measures, It can spread viruses.
3. If you use it to much, youl'll find it becomes more and more difficult to think coherently.
2. We attach an importance to it that is far greater than its actual size and influence warrant.
1. If you're not careful what you do with it, it can get you into a lot of trouble. Quote
