This girl was riding in a car with her boyfriend. She got bored and said "Every time you speed up 5MPH I'll take some clothes off."

Well, this went on for about 15 minutes until she was naked and he was going about 95MPH. They lost control of the car and crashed into a tree.

The guy was hurt pretty badly and his car door was crushed to the point where he couldn't open it. His naked girlfriend was fine and could get out of the car.

So, she took her boyfriend's shoe and put it in front of her beaver and covered her chest with her arm. She flagged down a car. Without thinking she said "HELP MY BOYFRIEND IS STUCK AND HE CAN'T GET OUT!!"

The guy in the car looked at the shoe on her crotch and his eyes got really big. He said "If he is that far in, he's not coming out!"

---------------------------

And now a special joke for the sites resident geek Purgatory

Dear Sir

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas? Quote

Dear Sir

Eighteen months ago I upgraded to Girlfriend 1.0 from Drinking Mates 4.2 which I'd used for years without any trouble.

However, there are apparently conflicts between these two products and the only solution was to try and run Girlfriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.

To make matters worse, Girlfriend 1.0 is also incompatible with several other applications, such as Lads Night Out 3.1, Football 2 and Playboy 6.1.

Successive versions of Girlfriend proved no better. A shareware beta-programme, Party Girl 2.1 that I tried, had many bugs and left a virus in my system, forcing me to shut down completely for several weeks.

Eventually I tried to run Girlfriend 1.2 and Girlfriend 1.0 at the same time, only to discover that when these two systems detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.

Sensing a way out, I then upgraded to Fiance 1.0 only to discover that this product soon had to be upgraded (at great cost) to Wife 1.0, which I reluctantly agreed to, because, whilst Wife 1.0 tends to use up all my available resources, it does come bundled with FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse2000.

Shortly after this upgrade however I then discovered that Wife 1.0 can be very unstable and costly to run. For example, any mistakes I made were automatically stored in Wife 1.0's memory and could not be deleted. They then resurfaced months later when I had forgotten about them.

Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary Explorer and E-mail Porn Filter, and can, without warning, launch Photostrop and Whingezip! These latter products have no Help files and I have to try and guess what the problem is myself.

Additional costly problems are that Wife 1.0 needs updating regularly, requiring shoe Shop Browser for new attachments and also Hairstyle Express, which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes that drain my resources.

It also conflicts with some of the new games I wanted to try, stating that they are an illegal operation. When Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT program it often crashes or runs the system dry.

Wife 1.0 also has a rather annoying pop-up called Mother-in-Law, which can't be turned off. Recently I've attempted to try Mistress 2000, but there could be problems. A friend has alerted me to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects the presence of Mistress 2000 it could delete all my MS Money files before un-installing itself.

Any ideas?



ROFLAPMP and ROFLMAOWTIME Quote

Drinking to remember

A guy walks into a bar, orders three drafts of Keith's and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more.

The bartender approaches and tells him "You know, a draft goes flat after I draw it, it would taste better if you bought one at a time."

The guy replies, "Well, you see, I have two brothers. Both are away and I'm here. When we all left home we promised that we'd drink this way to remember the days we drank together. So I drink one for each o'me brothers and one for myself."

The bartender admits that this is a nice custom and leaves it there.

The guy becomes a regular in the bar and always drinks the same way. He orders three pints and drinks them in turn.

One day, he comes in and orders two pints.

All the other regulars take notice and fall silent.

When he comes back to the bar for the second round, the bartender says, "I don't want to intrude on your grief, but I wanted to offer my condolences on your loss."

The guy looks quite puzzled for a moment, then a light dawns and he laughs, "Oh, no, everybody's just fine." He explains. "It's just that my wife had us join the Pentecostal Church and I had to quit drinking. Hasn't affected me brothers though." Quote

A woman comes home 2 find her man blowdrying his cock.
She asks "wot the fuck r u doing?"
He answers, "heating up ur dinner!" Quote

Dad cooks deer but doesnt tell the kids what it is, he only givs them one clue, 'its what your mother calls me'. The boy yells, 'dont eat it, it's a fuckin' nob!' Quote

Big black prostitute, Man Utd fan, got a tattoo of Rooney & Owen on inside of her thighs. She says to her punter, Paddy "If you can guess who they are you get a free shag!". He looks left and right and says "I dunno who those 2 ugly bastards are but the one in the middle with the big lips & curly hair is Rio Ferdinand!" Quote

Dear Garge Letter

A young girl, on a year�s training course in South Africa, recently received a "Dear Garge" letter from her boyfriend back home. It read as follows:

Dear Mary,

I can no longer continue our relationship. The distance between us is just too great. I must admit that I have cheated on you twice, since you've been gone, and it's not fair to either of us. I'm sorry. Please return the picture of me that I sent to you.

Love,
Garge

Upset, Mary asked her colleagues for any snapshots they could spare of their boyfriends, brothers, ex-boyfriends, uncles, cousins, etc. In addition to the picture of John, Mary included all the other pictures she had collected from her buddies. There were 57 photos in that envelope...along with this note:

Dear Garge,

I'm so sorry, but I can't quite remember who you are. Please take your picture from the pile, and send the rest back to me.

Take Care,
Mary
Quote

a boy in the bath with his mom
boy says whats that hairy thing
mom says that my sponge
oh yes says the boy
the babysitter has one
i ve seen her wash dads face with it


a catholic priest sees a little boy
crying at the edge of the cliff
preist asks whats wrong
boy says my mom and dad have gone over the edge in the car
i think they both dead
the priest looks around then pulls out his cock and says not your fuckin day is it Quote

whats the difference between a slapper and a bowling ball



........ there is no difference they both get picked up fingered and banged down an alley Quote

The phone rings and the lady of the house answers, 'Hello.'

'Mrs. Sanders, please.'

'Speaking.'

'Mrs. Sanders, this is Doctor Jones at Saint Agnes Laboratory. When your husband's doctor sent his biopsy to the lab last week, a biopsy from another Mr. Sanders arrived as well. We are now uncertain which one belongs to your husband. Frankly, either way the results are not too good.'

'What do you mean?' Mrs. Sanders asks nervously.

'Well, one of the specimens tested positive for Alzheimer's and the other one tested positive for HIV. We can't tell which is which.'

'That's dreadful! Can you do the test again?' questioned Mrs. Sanders.

'Normally we can, but Medicare will only pay for these expensive tests one time.'

'Well, what am I supposed to do now?'

'The folks at Medicare recommend that you drop your husband off somewhere in the middle of town. If he finds his way home, don't sleep with him.'

Quote

Showing A Horse
There was a guy he walked into this bar. On the door it read "If you can make my horse laugh then I will give you $50".

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went out in the back alley and came back and the horse was laughing. So the bar tender said a deal is a deal and gave him his $50.

Then about three months later the same guy came back into this bar and say a sign on the door it read: If you can make my horse cry then I will give you $50.

So he walked up to the bar tender and said I can make your horse laugh. So he went in to the back alley and made the horse cry. He came back in and the bar tender said a deal is a deal but first tell me how you hade my horse laugh and cry. He said to make him laugh I told him mine is bigger than his. To make him cry I showed him! Quote

Tech Support


Dear Sirs,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

------------------------
Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to handle this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than they had with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that may occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance Quote

Tech Support


Dear Sirs,

Last year I upgraded Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0, and noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon was included in the product brochure. In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other programs, and launches during system initialization where it monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Pokernight 10.3 and Beerbash 2.5 no longer run, crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem to purge Wife 1.0 from my system. I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 1.0 but uninstall does not work on this program. Can you help me?

Jonathan Powell

------------------------
Dear Mr. Powell,

This is a very common problem that men complain about, but is mostly due to a primary misconception. Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 1.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife 1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES & ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its creator to run everything. It is impossible to uninstall, delete, or purge the program from the system once installed. You cannot go back to Girlfriend 1.0 because Wife 1.0 is not designed to handle this. Some have tried to install Girlfriend 2.0 or Wife 2.0 but end up with more problems than they had with the original system. Look in your manual under "Warnings: Alimony / Child Support". I recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the situation. Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also suggest you read the entire section regarding General Protection Faults (GPFs). You must assume all responsibility for faults and problems that may occur. The best course of action will be to push apologize button then reset button as soon as lockup occurs. System will run smooth as long as you take the blame for all GPFs.

Wife 1.0 is a great program but is very high maintenance. Quote

Why we should feel sorry for tech support people:

A woman called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer. The tech asked her if she was "running it under Windows." The woman then responded, "No, my desk is next to the door. But that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his is working fine."

Tech Support: "OK Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager." Customer: "I don't have a 'P'." Tech Support: "On your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "What do you mean?" Tech Support: "'P' on your keyboard, Bob." Customer: "I'm not going to do that!" Quote

A beautiful blonde gets on an airplane going to Los Angeles and sits in First Class. The flight attendant tells her that her ticket is for a coach seat and would she please go to her proper seat. The blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."

"I'm sorry," says the flight attendant "but your ticket is for coach and this seat was paid for by someone else." At which the blonde says; "I'm blonde and beautiful and I'm going to Los Angeles first class."

The flight attendant goes to the pilot with the problem. The pilot walks up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes back to her coach seat. The flight attendant asks the pilot what she said to the blonde.

"It's simple," says the female pilot "I told her that first class wasn't going to Los Angeles." Quote

Summer Lovin

The following song is sung to the tune of "Summer Lovin'" from the musical "Grease".

Bill: "Summer intern, had me a blast"
Monica: "White house intern, happened so fast"
Bill: "Met a girl, crazy for me"
Monica: "Met the prez, down on my knees"
Bill: "Summer days, sucking away, oh, I, love those summer nights"

Investigation Committee: "Oh Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah..... UH....
Tell us more, tell us more"
Linda Trip: "try to remember your best"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he come on your dress?"

Bill: "Wanted to screw her but she had a cramp"
Monica: "The prez is sexy - and makes my panties damp"
Bill: "She gave me head, right in the White House"
Monica: "I said OK, just don't come in my mouth:

Investigation Committee: "Well, ah.. well, ah....well, ah. uh. Tell us more, tell us more"

Linda Trip: "he sounds like a swell guy"
Investigation Committee: "Tell us more, tell us more"
Kenneth Star: "Did he tell you to lie?"

Bill: "Press found out, it turned into a mess"
Monica: "He gave me fifty bucks to buy a new dress"
Bill: "She promised to lie, she made a vow"
Monica: "Wonder who is servicing him now"
Bill & Monica: "Sex filled dreams, ripped at the seams,
But.........oh,
Those White House Nights"


Quote

just when you think you knew all the msg and txt abrievations possible
then there are these

(_|_) regular ass
(__|__) fat ass
(!) tight ass
(_*_) sore ass
(_o_) well used ass
(_e=mc2_) smart ass

and my favorite for those you want to really tell it to
(_x_) kiss my ass


family of prostitues havin dinner daughter says i got 50$ for givin a bj
mom says in my day it was 5$
gran says during the war we were just glad of the warm drink

Quote

Two old ladies are sitting outside their retirement home having a cigarette. At that moment it starts to rain. One of them reaches into her handbag and takes out a condom, and starts to open it. The other says, "What are you doing?"
"Oh, this is to keep my cigarette from getting wet," and so saying she slips the condom over the cigarette and continues smoking.
The other old lady thinks this is brilliant, and the next day walks into a pharmacy with her Zimmer frame, and goes up to the counter.
She asks the assistant, "I'd like to buy a condom, please."
The assistant, looking at this frail old woman with her walking frame says, "Uh, ok madam. Any particular size?"
"Oh, I don''t mind, as long as it's big enough to fit a camel."



I Loooove a good laugh!

Thank YOU!

Bella Quote

A guy walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He says
to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?


"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she
does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks
again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

So the guy runs around the next block and faces her again. "Would you let me
bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars - Ok, just
once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most
perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and
starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them,
burying his face in them, but not biting them.



The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or
not?"

"Nah", says the guy... "Costs too much..." Quote

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet twenty-thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching." Moral of the story... Not all blondes are dumb Quote