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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine
Created by:
malteeser
11/1/13 @ 7:23am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Dave's friends came up to him after work one day and asked him to go out for a few beers with them.
Dave replied, ''No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.''
Dave's friend said, ''When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex. She won't say anything.''
So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.
When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. ''How did you get here?'' he asked.
''Shhhh,'' she replied, ''my mom is sleeping.''
Quote
Dave replied, ''No, I can't. My wife gets really pissed if I come home late.''
Dave's friend said, ''When you get home, just go slide beneath the sheets, pull her panties down and give her oral sex. She won't say anything.''
So Dave goes out with his friends and has a great time. When he comes home hours later, he goes into his room and slides beneath the sheets. He pulls down her panties and begins to give her oral sex. She starts to moan and groan. After a while, Dave tells her that he has to go take a leak and for her to wait there.
When Dave gets to the bathroom he's stunned to see his wife sitting on the john. ''How did you get here?'' he asked.
''Shhhh,'' she replied, ''my mom is sleeping.''
Quote
Created by:
amanda_fucking_palmer
11/3/13 @ 9:46am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: yeah baby ... i'm faking it again
Posts: 1,793
Q: Why do brunettes always say they are 'bi'?
A: Because of the lenses on their glasses. Quote
A: Because of the lenses on their glasses. Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/8/13 @ 8:56am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A cab driver reaches the pearly gates. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book and tells him to pick up a gold staff and a silk robe and proceed into Heaven.
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed." Quote
Next in line is a preacher. St. Peter looks him up in his Big Book, furrows his brow and says, "OK, we'll let you in, but take that cloth robe and wooden staff."
The preacher is shocked and replies, "But I am a man of the cloth. You gave that cab driver a gold staff and a silk robe. Surely I rate higher than a cabbie!"
St. Peter responds matter-of-factly, "This is Heaven and up here, we are interested in results. When you preached, people slept. When the cabbie drove his taxi, people prayed." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/9/13 @ 5:11am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
An executive had to get rid of one member of his staff. He couldn't decide between Jack and Jill: both had equal seniority and qualifications. Unable to choose, he finally decided that whoever used the water fountain first would be let go.
The next morning, Jill came with a hangover. She went to the water fountain so she could take some aspirin.
The executive approached her: "Jill, this is difficult, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Jill replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache." Quote
The next morning, Jill came with a hangover. She went to the water fountain so she could take some aspirin.
The executive approached her: "Jill, this is difficult, but I have to lay you or Jack off."
Jill replied, "Then you'll have to jack off. I have a hell of a headache." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/11/13 @ 2:53am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A guy in the locker room saw another guy with a piece of cork up his ass.
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''
Quote
''Why do you have a cork up your ass?''
''Well, it's a long story. But one day I was walking on the beach and I tripped over a bottle and woke up a genie who said he would grant me one wish. I said, 'No shit!'''
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/12/13 @ 7:55am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A couple goes to Mexico City on vacation and eats at a famous local restaurant. The waiter tells them they have a delicious special every Sunday, so the couple orders the special.
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping. It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish. "Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table. But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!" Quote
With great fanfare, the waiter brings out a large silver serving platter with two huge steaming rounds of meat, juices dripping. It smells delicious and tastes even better.
The couple is delighted with their meal, and the husband asks the waiter what fabulous meat was in the dish. "Senor," he explains, "each Saturday night, we have the bullfights, and that was the bull's balls you ate."
The couple is a bit taken aback by what they have just eaten, but it was delicious, so they get over it.
Six months later, the couple returns to Mexico City and decides to go to the same restaurant. Feeling adventuresome, they order the same dish.
Once again, with great fanfare, the waiter brings out the huge silver serving dish and places it on the table. But this time, there are two tiny pieces of meat, barely enough for one.
The man says, "Excuse me, but the last time we were here and ordered this dish, it was huge, more than enough for two. Why is this portion so small?"
The waiter smiles and replies, "Well, you see, senor, sometimes the bull wins!" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/13/13 @ 6:28am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
An old man finds a condom in his grandson's apartment and asks what it is.
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel." Quote
"It's a condom," replies the grandson, sheepishly.
"What do you use it for?" asks Grandpa.
The grandson is embarrassed, so he says, "I use it to keep my cigarettes dry when I smoke in the rain."
Grandpa says, "That's a great idea." He goes to the drug store and asks the pharmacist for a condom.
"What size would you like?" asks the pharmacist.
"Big enough to fit a Camel." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/14/13 @ 6:01am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Joe enters the confessional and tells the priest that he has committed adultery.
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Quote
"Oh, no," said the priest, thinking of the most promiscuous women in town. "Was it with Marie Brown?"
"I'd rather not say who it was."
"Was it with Betty Smith?"
"I'd rather not say," says Joe. So the priest gives him absolution and Joe leaves. While leaving the church, Joe's friend asks if he received absolution.
"Yes, and two very good leads!"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/15/13 @ 10:35am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in. "I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" Quote
You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop", says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik. He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a firemen", said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!", said the sheik.
Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!" Quote
This guy sees this beautiful woman chewing bubble gum.
He walks up to her, and he says, "Wow, do you like to blow bubbles?"
She says, "Yes, I love it."
And he says, "Well, my name is bubbles."
Quote
He walks up to her, and he says, "Wow, do you like to blow bubbles?"
She says, "Yes, I love it."
And he says, "Well, my name is bubbles."
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/18/13 @ 10:06am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again." Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?" Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."
Quote
Put ur joke here and smile:
Weight Loss
A guy badly needs to lose weight.
He reads a weight loss advert on newspaper.
He goes to the place.
The secretary explains:
There are 3 options Option 1 for $50, 2 for $100 and 3 for $150.
He chooses Option 1.
Go to the elevator and press number 1.
On Level 1, he finds a pretty girl.
Now you run after me. If you catch me you will fuck me.
And he ran after girl, caught her and fucked her.
And he lost weight!
:D :D
Second week.
He chooses Option 2.
Press 2 on the elevator.
On Level 2, he finds another girl, prettier and younger.
You run after me. If you catch me, I will let you fuck me.
And he ran after the girl, caught and fucked the girl.
And he loses more weight.
Third week.
This time he goes to the top choice number 3.
Elevator. Press Button number 3.
He goes to level 3 to find a big guy, all muscles.
Now you run coz if I catch you, I will fuck you!
I'm new and I wonder if you have any advice to give
Quote
Weight Loss
A guy badly needs to lose weight.
He reads a weight loss advert on newspaper.
He goes to the place.
The secretary explains:
There are 3 options Option 1 for $50, 2 for $100 and 3 for $150.
He chooses Option 1.
Go to the elevator and press number 1.
On Level 1, he finds a pretty girl.
Now you run after me. If you catch me you will fuck me.
And he ran after girl, caught her and fucked her.
And he lost weight!
:D :D
Second week.
He chooses Option 2.
Press 2 on the elevator.
On Level 2, he finds another girl, prettier and younger.
You run after me. If you catch me, I will let you fuck me.
And he ran after the girl, caught and fucked the girl.
And he loses more weight.
Third week.
This time he goes to the top choice number 3.
Elevator. Press Button number 3.
He goes to level 3 to find a big guy, all muscles.
Now you run coz if I catch you, I will fuck you!
I'm new and I wonder if you have any advice to give
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/18/13 @ 10:42am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache." "Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin. You can take it orally or as a suppository, it's up to you!"
Quote
a gay couple witch just got married recently have a trip for honeymoon in another country,during they way there into the air plane over the night one of them got horny..asked hes new lover to make love in the airplane...but the lover was shy and was afraid ppl will see them..so they decide to call the hostess and see if he answer...
- gay couple: hostess...?
no answer...
- gay couple: hostess a glass of water please?
no answer...
in the next morning the hostess walking in the division saw a guy almost frozzed to death..
hostess: hello mr. why didn`t you request a blanknet over the night to sleep warm ?
frozzen guy: last night a dude has asked for a glass of water and got fucked in the ass all night
.. btw guys this joke was translated from romanian in english..so i duno if i wrote it good or it has same hummor as in romanian :D but i hope it work for ya guys. :D Quote
- gay couple: hostess...?
no answer...
- gay couple: hostess a glass of water please?
no answer...
in the next morning the hostess walking in the division saw a guy almost frozzed to death..
hostess: hello mr. why didn`t you request a blanknet over the night to sleep warm ?
frozzen guy: last night a dude has asked for a glass of water and got fucked in the ass all night
.. btw guys this joke was translated from romanian in english..so i duno if i wrote it good or it has same hummor as in romanian :D but i hope it work for ya guys. :D Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/18/13 @ 1:34pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Created by:
malteeser
11/18/13 @ 1:48pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
One in Spanish for my friends in Colombia:
Llega el nio de la escuela y le dice al pap:
- Papi, en el colegio me mandaron a investigar que queda ms cerca si USA o la luna ?
el padre enojado lo saca al patio y lo pone a miras hacia arriba y le pregunta:
- qu ests viendo ?
- papi, la luna
y el padre enojado le dice:
- y donde carajo ves USA Quote
Llega el nio de la escuela y le dice al pap:
- Papi, en el colegio me mandaron a investigar que queda ms cerca si USA o la luna ?
el padre enojado lo saca al patio y lo pone a miras hacia arriba y le pregunta:
- qu ests viendo ?
- papi, la luna
y el padre enojado le dice:
- y donde carajo ves USA Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/19/13 @ 4:34am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A farmhand is driving around the farm, checking the fences. After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck in the bull-bars of my truck. He's still wriggling. What should I do?"
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!" Quote
"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush." The farm worker says okay and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back. "Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."
"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.
"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing!" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/20/13 @ 12:34pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?'
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
Quote
Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!'
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal:
'What is 3 x 3?'
Harry:
'9.'
Principal:
'What is 6 x 6?'
Harry:
'36.'
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade'
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..'
The principal and Harry both agreed.
Ms. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?'
Harry, after a moment: 'Legs.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?'
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?'
Harry: 'Pants.'
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.'
Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?'
Harry: 'Shake hands .'
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?'
Harry:
'Firetruck.'
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the
teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/21/13 @ 6:44am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
An old man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!" Quote
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does. "Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old man runs around the next block and faces her again, "Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world.
As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old man... "Costs too much!" Quote
