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Laughter is the best Medicine

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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine

Created by: malteeser

7/3/17 @ 2:44am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The Marine Corps found they had too many officers and senior enlisted men. It was decided to offer some of them an early retirement bonus.

They promised any officer or senior enlisted man who volunteered for retirement a bonus of $1,000 for every inch measured in a straight line between any two points in his body. Those applying got to choose what those two points would be.

The first officer who accepted asked that he be measured from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. He was measured at six feet and walked out with a bonus of $72,000.

The second officer who accepted was a little smarter and asked to be measured from the tip of his outstretched hands to his toes. He walked out with $96,000.

The third one was a non-commissioned officer, a grizzly old Sergeant Major. When asked where he would like to be measured, he replied, “From the tip of my penis to my the back of my balls.”

The pension man asked if he wanted to reconsider his choice, explaining about the nice big checks the previous two officers had received. But the old Marine insisted and they decided to go along with him, providing the measurement was taken by a medical officer.

The medical officer arrived and instructed the Sergeant Major to drop ’em, which he did. The medical officer placed the tape measure on the tip of the penis and began to work back. “Dear Lord!” he suddenly exclaimed. “Where are your testicles?”

The old Sergeant Major calmly replied, “Vietnam.”

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Created by: malteeser

7/4/17 @ 8:50am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A blonde was on vacation in the depths of Louisiana. She wanted a pair of genuine alligator shoes, but didn’t want to pay the high prices.

After unsuccessfully haggling with one of the shopkeepers, the blonde said angrily, “Maybe I’ll just go out and catch my own alligator, so I can get a pair of shoes at a reasonable price!”

The shopkeeper smiled and replied, “Go ahead! Try to catch a really big one while you’re at it!”

Later that day while on his way home, the shopkeeper spotted the young woman standing waist deep in a swamp, shotgun in hand. He stopped to look, and just then he saw an enormous alligator swimming toward the blonde.

She took aim at the alligator, and BAM! She scored a perfect bullseye, and with some effort managed to haul the alligator onto the swamp bank.

The shopkeeper suddenly noticed that several more of the dead creatures were lying around the blonde.

The shopkeeper watched in amazement as the blonde flipped the alligator on its back and shouted in frustration, “Damn, this one isn’t wearing any shoes either!”

LOL!

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Created by: malteeser

7/5/17 @ 1:15am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Mike invited his mother over for dinner. During the course of the meal, Mike’s mother couldn’t help but notice how beautiful Mike’s roommate Jennifer was.

Mike’s mom had long been suspicious of the ‘platonic’ relationship between Mike and Jennifer, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Mike and Jennifer than met the eye.

Reading his mom’s thoughts, Mike volunteered, “I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you Jennifer and I are just roommates.”

About a week later, Jennifer came to Mike saying, “Ever since your mother came to dinner, I’ve been unable to find that beautiful silver gravy ladle. You don’t suppose she took it, do you?”

Mike said, “Well, I doubt it, but I’ll send her an e-mail just to be sure.” So he sat down and sent her a message:

“Dear Mom,

I’m not saying that you did take the gravy ladle from the house, I’m not saying that you did not take the gravy ladle. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner.

Love, Mike”

Several days later, Mike received an email back from his mother that read:

“Dear Son,

I’m not saying that you do sleep with Jennifer, I’m not saying that you do not sleep with Jennifer. But the fact remains that if Jennifer was sleeping in her own bed, she would have found the gravy ladle by now.

Love, Mom”

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Created by: Daniel Almonte

7/5/17 @ 9:27pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00

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The Italian Who Went to Malta

good one son of a bitch lol

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Created by: malteeser

7/6/17 @ 3:55am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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An old man goes to church one morning and heads into confession.

Inside, he says to the priest, “Father, I’m 80 years old, a widower, with 11 g r a n d c h I l d r e n . Last night I met two beautiful flight attendants. They took me home and I made love to both of them. Twice.”

The priest says, “Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?”

“Never, Father, I’m Jewish,” the man replies.

“So then, why are you telling me?” the priest asks, confused.

The man responds, “I’m telling everybody!”

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Created by: malteeser

7/6/17 @ 3:58am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The teacher gave her fifth grade class an assignment: Get their parents to tell them a story with a moral at the end of it.

The next day, the k i d s came back and, one by one, began to tell their stories.

There were all the regular types of stuff: Spilled milk and pennies saved. But then the teacher realized, much to her dismay, that only Janie was left.

“Janie, do you have a story to share?”

“Yes, ma’am. My daddy told me a story about my Mommy.

“She was a Marine pilot in Desert Storm, and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory, and all she had was a flask of whiskey, a pistol, and a survival k n i f e. She drank the whiskey on the way down so the bottle wouldn’t break, and then her parachute landed her right in the middle of 20 Iraqi troops.

She shot 15 of them with the pistol, until she ran out of bullets, k i l l e d four more with the k n i f e, till the blade broke, and then she k i l l e d the last Iraqi with her bare hands.”

”Good Heavens,” said the horrified teacher. “What did your Daddy tell you was the moral to this horrible story?”

“Don’t mess with Mommy when she’s been drinking.”

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Created by: malteeser

7/6/17 @ 4:41am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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One hot July day we found an old straggly cat at our door.

She was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skinny and hair all matted down. We felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so we named her Pussycat.

The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let us know when we could come and get her.

My husband, [the complainer] said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.”

My husband and my vet don’t like each other. He calls my husband El-cheap-O. My husband calls him El-Take-0. They love to hate each other.

Next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, which was located next door to the vet. The doctor’s office was full of people waiting to see the doctor.

A side door opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen my husband arrive. He looked straight at my husband, “Your wife’s pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God knows who the father is!”

And he closed the door.

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Created by: louisphillippe

7/6/17 @ 6:31pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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Malteeser:
you make my day every time!!! :thumbsup

Thank you...thank you...thank you!!! :thumbsup

Thanks to you,this is one of my most favorite thread here.... :orglaugh

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Created by: malteeser

7/7/17 @ 1:13am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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You are welcome, Louis!
Nice to know it is appreciated.
Sometimes I feel it is a monologue, but then some persons like you make it worth.
When I think of stopping someone like you crops up and make me continue.
If someone posts a joke, even now and then, will be motivating also!
Until the next one .... keep smiling!
:orglaugh

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Created by: louisphillippe

7/7/17 @ 2:56pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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Thank you!!!! :orglaugh

I might post some....but no one seems to help....

But a lot of members do read them!! you can tell by the
number of times viewed!! :thumbsup

I think it is one of the oldest most viewed threads of all times.... :thumbsup

Great work Malteeser!! :thumbsup

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Created by: malteeser

7/8/17 @ 6:00am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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I fear my neighbour may be stalking me, she's been googling my name last night on her computer.

I saw it clearly through my binoculars.

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Created by: malteeser

7/9/17 @ 3:36am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Little Johnny sees his daddy’s car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car, and sees daddy and aunt Jane sharing a ‘passionate moment.’

Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.

“Mommy, Mommy, I was at the playground and daddy and….” Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.

So Johnny tells her. “I was at the playground and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I went to look and daddy was giving aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then aunt Jane helped daddy take his pants off, then aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then daddy…”

At this point, mommy cut him off and said, “Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for when we’re having dinner. I want to see the look on daddy’s face when you tell it tonight.”

At the dinner table, mommy asks Johnny to tell his story.

“Well, I was at the playground, and I saw daddy’s car go into the woods with aunt Jane. I followed them to see what they were doing, and then I saw how daddy gave aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then aunt Jane helped daddy take off his pants, and then daddy and aunt Jane did that same thing mommy and uncle Jack used to do when daddy was in the Army.”

Then mom fainted.

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Created by: malteeser

7/11/17 @ 1:48am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A rookie police officer pulled a biker over for speeding and had the following exchange:
• Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
• Biker: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DUI.
• Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
• Biker: It’s not my bike. I stole it.
• Officer: The motorcycle is stolen?
• Biker: That’s right. But come to think of it, I think I saw the owner’s card in the tool bag when I was putting my gun in there.
• Officer: There’s a gun in the tool bag?
• Biker: Yes sir. That’s where I put it after I shot and shot the dude who owns this bike and stuffed his dope in the saddle bags.
• Officer: There’s drugs in the saddle bags too?!?!?
• Biker: Yes, sir.

Hearing this, the rookie immediately called his captain. The biker was quickly surrounded by police, and the captain approached the biker to handle the tense situation:
• Captain: Sir, can I see your license?
• Biker: Sure. Here it is. It was valid.
• Captain: Who’s motorcycle is this?
• Biker: It’s mine, officer. Here’s the registration.
• Captain: Could you slowly open your tool bag so I can see if there’s a gun in it?
• Biker: Yes, sir, but there’s no gun in it. Sure enough, there was nothing in the tool bag.
• Captain: Would you mind opening your saddle bags? I was told you said there’s drugs in them.
• Biker: No problem. The saddle bags were opened; no drugs.
• Captain: I don’t understand it. The officer who stopped you said you told him you didn’t have a license, stole this motorcycle, had a gun in the tool bag, and that there were drugs in the saddle bags.
• Biker: Yeah, I’ll bet he told you I was speeding, too.

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Created by: malteeser

7/11/17 @ 1:53pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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An older couple was out in the country on a holiday. One morning the husband returns after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a game warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a restricted fishing area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry about that officer, but I’m not fishing, I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“For reading a book?” asked the woman.

“Yes, this is a restricted fishing area.”

The woman throws up her hands, “but I’m not fishing, I’m just reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. You’re gonna have to come with me.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual a s s a u l t,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

The game warden says, “Have a nice day, ma’am,” and leaves.

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Created by: louisphillippe

7/12/17 @ 2:48am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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.....

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Created by: malteeser

7/12/17 @ 3:43am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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It’s Clyde’s first day of grade school after being homeschooled for several years. The teacher asks the boy if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he says. “My daddy taught me.”

“Can you tell me what comes after three?”

“Four,” answers Clyde.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven,” answers little Clyde.

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a very fine job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” answers Clyde.

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Created by: malteeser

7/12/17 @ 3:44am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted with her, let her sit with them while they had coffee and lunch breaks, and gave her little jobs to do here and there to make her feel important. At the end of the first week, they even presented her with a pay envelope containing ten dollars.

The little girl took this home to her mother who suggested that she take her ten dollars “pay” she’d received to the bank the next day to start a savings account.

When the girl and her mom got to the bank, the teller was equally impressed and asked the little girl how she had come by her very own pay check at such a young age. The little girl proudly replied: “I worked last week with a real construction crew building the new house next door to us.”

“Oh my goodness gracious,” said the teller, “and will you be working on the house again this week, too?”

The little girl replied, “I will, if those assholes from the lumber yard ever deliver the damn drywall.”

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Created by: louisphillippe

7/12/17 @ 11:29pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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What do you call a 90 years old that can still masturbate??
Miracle Whip... :winkwink

Q: What is the ideal weight of a lawyer??
A : About 2 kilos including the urn... :evil

I'm getting to that age when every part of my body cracks

I move my neck,It cracks...I move my elbow,it cracks....I bend
my leg it cracks!!! But WTF!! I'm happy because now I can work as a stripper
for the blind..... :orglaugh

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Created by: malteeser

7/13/17 @ 7:12am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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I'm getting to that age when every part of my body cracks

I move my neck,It cracks...I move my elbow,it cracks....I bend my leg it cracks!!! But WTF!! I'm happy because now I can work as a stripper for the blind..... :orglaugh

Well, my ass has cracked since time immemorial.
lolololol

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Created by: louisphillippe

7/13/17 @ 8:52pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234

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Well, my ass has cracked since time immemorial.
lolololol

:orglaugh

AAAhhhhh!!! that explains the noise I hear coming
from next door!!! :evil

I think we are neighbors Malteeser... :thumbsup

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