A priest was sent to a very small church in the backwoods of Alaska. After a couple of years the Bishop decided to pay the priest a visit to see how he was doing. The priest said that it was a really lonely job and that he didn't think that he could have made it without his Rosary and two martinis each day. With that the priest said to the Bishop, "Would you like to have a martini with me?" The Bishop said, "Yes, that would be nice." The priest turned around and hollered toward the kitchen, "Rosary, would you fix us two martinis please?" Quote

A man was hunting for ducks and he bumped into an angry
game and hunting Warden.
The Warden said: "Let me see what you have in your bag"
The man pulled out 3 ducks.
The Warden grabbed one of the ducks and smelled his butt.
"Do you have a hunting license for Romania? this duck is from Romania."
The man pulled out a Romanian hunting license.The Warden said "OK."
Then he grabbed another duck and smelled his butt."This duck is from
Bulgaria.Do you have a hunting license from Bulgaria??"
The man pulled out a hunting license from Bulgaria.The Warden said "OK!"
Then he grabbed the last duck and again he smelled his butt.
This duck is prom Poland.Do you have a hunting license from Poland?"
The man pulled out a hunting license from Poland.
The Warden said "OK...you smart ass guy...where are YOU from?"
The guy answered:" I don't know.You are the expert.Smell my butt and tell me!!!"

Quote

What is pointless?
To tell a bald guy a hair raising story.
Quote

What is pointless?
To tell a bald guy a hair raising story.




Pointless???...to install an ashtray in a motorcycle..! Quote

Pointless???...to install an ashtray in a motorcycle..!

Don't worry about loosing your eyesight.It is nature's way
to be kind when you pass in front of the mirror....

Jelly fish have been around for 500 million years and doing well
without a brain....
That gives a lot of hope to most of you.... Quote

Jane was a 93 year-old woman who was particularly depressed over the recent death of her husband Karl. She decided that she would just k i l l herself and join him in death.

Thinking that it would be best to get it over with quickly, she took out Karl's old army pistol and made the decision to shoot herself in the heart since it was so badly broken in the first place.

Not wanting to miss the vital organ and become paralyzed, she called her doctor's office to inquire as to just exactly where the heart would be. "On a woman," the doctor said, "your heart would be just below your left breast."

Later that night, Jane was admitted to the hospital with a gunshot wound to her left knee.




Ahahahaha,! LOL=) Nice one! Thanks for the best jokes and fine mood! Quote

My last joke.It seems no one but Malteeser and I contribute and
do all the work so I'll stop posting because it's getting boring.

Grandfather talking with young grandson:
"Dear boy: there are 5 kinds of sex after you marry.
First year: is the Smurf Sex stage:You'll have sex until you turn blue.
Second year is:the Kitchen sex: you'll do it all over the house including
even the kitchen.
Third year:Bedroom Sex: by now you both calmed down and may be have
a baby or two so you have to do it in the bedroom...
Fourth year:Hallway Sex.It is when you cross each other in the
hallway and yell at each other: SCREW YOU!!
Fifth year: Courtroom Sex: when you get divorced she takes everything you have
and screws you in front of the entire courtroom!!


Enjoy the thread everyone!!! and may be post a few jokes too...
BYE!! Quote

Q. How does a South American Model know if you like the show?
A. He asks you 37 times.
Quote

A wife goes to consult a psychiatrist about her husband: My husband is acting so weird. He drinks his morning coffee and then he goes and eats the mug! He only leaves the handle!

Psychiatrist: Yes, that is weird. The handle is the best part! Quote

Husband tries to get on his wife’s nerves, but how he does it is priceless

I think it’s safe to say wives and husbands get on each others nerves, and sometimes it’s intentional. But, maybe the men enjoy it a little more than the women. Here’s one husband’s account of how he successfully gets on his wife’s nerves:

My wife and I were watching “Who Wants To Be A Millionaire?” while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?” “No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?” She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”
And that’s when the fight started….

I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”
And that’s when the fight started….

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, “The weather out there is terrible.”
My loving wife of 10 years replied, “Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?”
And that’s when the fight started….

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
“I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”
“Nah, she can order for herself.”
And that’s when the fight started….

My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, “Do you know her?”
“Yes,” I sighed, “She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.”
“My God!” said my wife, “who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?”
And that’s when the fight started….

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And that’s when the fight started….

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s when the fight started…. Quote

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, “Unbutton your shirt.” So I opened my shirt, revealing my curly silver hair. She said, “That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me.” and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, “You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.”
And that’s when the fight started….

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, I didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”
And that’s when the fight started….



Quote

Three elderly women are talking about their troubles.

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said Ruth, the 60-year-old, “You always feel like you have to pee. And most of the time nothing happens.”

“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old, Maxine. “When you’re 70, you don’t have a bowel movement anymore. You take laxatives, eat bran, you sit on the toilet all day and nothing happens.”

“Actually,” said Gilda, the 80-year-old, “Eighty is the worst age of all.”

“Do you have trouble peeing too?” asked Ruth.

“No, I pee every morning at 6 a.m. I pee like a racehorse; no problem at all.”

“Do you have trouble with your bowel movements?” Maxine questioned.

“No, I have one every morning at 6:30 a.m,” Gilda responded.

Puzzled with this, Ruth said, “Let’s get this straight. You pee every morning at 6 a.m. and poop every morning at 6:30 a.m. So what’s so tough about being 80?”

“I don’t wake up until 7.” Quote

This is a story about a couple who had been happily married for years. The only friction in their marriage was the husband’s habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke.

The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn’t stop and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would blow his guts out.

The years went by and he continued to rip them out! Then one Thanksgiving morning as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey innards and neck, gizzard, liver and all the spare parts and a malicious thought came to her.

She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep and, gently pulling back the bed covers, she pulled back the elastic waistband of his underpants and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his shorts.

Some time later she heard her husband waken with his usual trumpeting which was followed by a scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom.

The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes! After years of torture she reckoned she had got him back pretty good.

About twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his stained underpants with a look of horror on his face.

She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, “Honey, you were right. All these years you have warned me and I didn’t listen to you.”

“What do you mean?” asked his wife.

“Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out, and today it finally happened. But by the grace of God, some Vaseline, and these two fingers, I think I got most of them back in.” Quote

Three women go down to Mexico one night to celebrate college graduation.

They get drunk and wake up in jail, only to find that they are to be executed in the morning – though none of them can remember what they did the night before.

The first one, a redhead, is strapped in the electric chair and is asked if she has any last words. She says, “I just graduated from Trinity Bible College and believe in the almighty power of God to intervene on the behalf of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and nothing happens. The executioners all immediately fall to the floor on their knees, beg for forgiveness, and release her.

The second one, a brunette, is strapped in and gives her last words. “I just graduated from the Harvard School of Law and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on the part of the innocent.”

They throw the switch and again, nothing happens. Again they all immediately fall to their knees, beg for forgiveness and release her.

The last one, a blonde, is strapped in and says, “Well, I’m from the University of Texas and just graduated with a degree in Electrical Engineering, and I’ll tell ya right now, ya’ll ain’t gonna electrocute nobody if you don’t plug this thing in.” Quote

An elderly wife from Montana had an appointment with her doctor to ask for advice on how to treat her husband’s lack of sex drive.

“Have you tried Viagra?” the doctor asked.

“Not a chance,” the old lady replied, “he doesn’t even take aspirin.”

“Not a problem,” the doctor replied, “just give him some Montana Viagra.”

“What’s Montana Viagra?”

“It’s simple. You discretely put the Viagra into his coffee when he’s not looking. He won’t be able to taste it. Try it out and get back to me in a week and tell me about the results.”

A week later, the old lady called the doctor.

“Oh my lord!” she wailed, “Terrible! Just terrible.”

“Really? What happened?” the doctor replied.

“I did as you told me, I put the pill into the coffee, and the effect was immediate… he flew up from the chair, and his eyes were positively smoldering. With a quick motion he swept all the cups and the tablecloth from the table, ripped my clothes off and took me then and there on the table. It was a nightmare I tell you, a nightmare.”

“Oh, I see, but why was it so bad, shouldn’t this be a good thing?” the doctor asked in a worried tone.

“Oh yes, this was the best thing to happen to me in 25 years! But I can tell you right now, I will never be able to show my face in the downtown Starbucks again!”

At least it worked! Quote

Tie me to the bed and do what you want....he goes out for a beer with his friends Quote

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place.

The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, offering unwanted advice, and generally making life unbearable for the farmer and his new bride.

While they were walking through the barn, during the f o r c e d inspection, the farmer’s mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, k i l l i n g her instantly. It was a shock to all no matter their feelings toward her demanding ways.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by. The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head yes and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, however, he would shake his head no, and mumble a reply.

Very curious as to this bizarre behavior, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, “The women would say, ‘What a terrible tragedy,’ and I would nod my head and say ‘Yes, it was.’

The men would ask, ‘Can I borrow that mule?’ and I would shake my head and say, ‘Can’t, it’s all booked up for a year.’ Quote

Malteeeser!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Quote

A judge was interviewing a blonde woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, “What are the grounds for your divorce?”

The blonde woman replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”

“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”

“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.

“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”

“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”

He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”

“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”

“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”

“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”

“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”

“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”

“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can’t communicate with me!” Quote

Two army boys, Frankie and Davy, get promoted from Privates to Sergeants.

Not long after, they’re out for a walk and Frankie says, “Hey, Davy – there’s the NCO Club. Let’s you and me stop in and have us a drink.”

“But we’s privates,” protests Davy.

“No, we’s sergeants now,” says Frankie proudly, pulling him inside. “Now, Davy, I’m gonna sit down and have me a drink.”

“But, we’s privates,” says Davy. “You’re blind, boy!” says Frankie, pointing at his stripes. “We’s Sergeants now!”

So they order their drinks and pretty soon a hooker comes up to Frankie. “You’re cute,” she says, “and I’d like to take you someplace and make you feel good — but I’ve got a bad case of gonorrhea.”

Frankie pulls his friend to the side and whispers, “Davy, go look in the dictionary and see what that gonorrhea means. If it’s good, give me the okay sign.”

Davy goes to look it up, comes back, and gives Frankie the big okay sign.

Three weeks later Frankie is laid up in the infirmary with a terrible case of gonorrhea.

“Davy,” he shouts, “What did you give me the okay for?!”

“Well Frankie, in the dictionary, it says gonorrhea only affects the privates.” Then he pointed to his stripes and says, “But we’s Sergeants now!” Quote