Josh Polk: Laughter is the best Medicine - 7/26/13 - Male Performer Chat

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Laughter is the best Medicine

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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine

Created by: ourjeffie

1/22/15 @ 7:59pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 45,000

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An attorney arrived home late after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution for a client. His last-minute plea for clemency to the governor had failed and, as a result, he was feeling worn out and depressed.

As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him, �What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it.� And so on, and so on, and so on.

Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs.

While he was in the bath, the phone rang. The wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight.

Finally realizing what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news.

As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet.

�They're not hanging Wright tonight,� she said.

He whirled around and screamed, �FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?�

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Created by: malteeser

1/23/15 @ 3:41pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man was being interviewed for a job. "Were you in the service?" asked the interviewer.

"Yes, I was a marine", responded the applicant. "Did you see any active duty?"

"I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability."

"May I ask what happened?"

"Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs, I lost both testicles."

"You're hired. You can start Monday at 10:00 AM."

"When does everyone else start? I don't want any preferential treatment because of my disability."

"Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first."

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Created by: malteeser

1/26/15 @ 11:57am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Two guys were discussing the new secretary at their office. John to George: "Man, I dated her last Tuesday and we had wonderful sex. She's a lot better in bed than my wife!"

Two days later. George to John: "Well, I dated her too and we had sex as well, but I still think your wife is better in bed!"

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Created by: malteeser

1/27/15 @ 1:55pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man walked into a doctor's office looking very depressed. "Doc, you've got to help me. I can't go on like this."

"What's the problem?" the doctor inquired.

"Well, I'm 35 years old and I still have no luck with the ladies. No matter how hard I try, I just seem to scare them away."

"My friend, this is not a serious problem. You just need to work on your self-esteem. Each morning, I want you to get up and run to the bathroom mirror. Tell yourself that you are a good person, a fun person, and an attractive person. But say it with real conviction. Within a week you'll have women buzzing all around you."

The man seemed content with this advice and walked out of the office a bit excited. Three weeks later he returned with the same downtrodden expression on his face. "Did my advice not work?" asked the doctor.

"It worked alright. For the past several weeks I've enjoyed some of the best moments in my life with the most fabulous looking women."

"So, what's your problem?"

"I don't have a problem," the man replied. "My wife does."

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Created by: malteeser

1/28/15 @ 11:55am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex. Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live. Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time. After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..." At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"

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Created by: malteeser

1/29/15 @ 1:21pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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An old blacksmith realized he was soon going to quit working so hard. He picked out a strong young man to become his apprentice. The old fellow was crabby and exacting. "Don't ask me a lot of questions," he told the boy. "Just do whatever I tell you to do." One day the old blacksmith took an iron out of the forge and laid it on the anvil. "Get the hammer over there," he said. "When I nod my head, hit it real good and hard." Now the town is looking for a new blacksmith.

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Created by: malteeser

2/2/15 @ 10:03am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A rural Frenchman was on trial for k i l l i n g his wife when he found her with a neighbour. Upon being asked why he shot her instead of her lover, he replied, "Ah, m'sieur, is it not better to shoot a woman once than a different man every week?"

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Created by: malteeser

2/3/15 @ 2:45pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game. For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived. Everything went quite well. As the National Anthem started, the doctor yelled, "Up Nuts", and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, "Down Nuts", and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, "Cheer Nuts" They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, "Booooo Nuts" and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his tizzied assistant, the doctor asked," What in the world happened?" The assistant replied, "Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, "PEANUTS!"

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Created by: malteeser

2/4/15 @ 12:13pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Dude walks into a pharmacy laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. The pharmacist is perplexed but doesn't give it a second thought. The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The pharmacist remembers the day before and starts to wonder what's up but not for too long because he has work to do.The next day the same guy walks in laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing. Now the pharmacist is intrigued as to what is going on with this guy so he arranges with his assistant to follow the guy and find out where he is going, should the man return.

Wouldn't you know it, The same guy comes back the next day, laughing hysterically, orders 2 condoms, still laughing, pays the pharmacist and walks out laughing.

The assistant followed him as per his orders and came back 20 minutes later. The eager pharmacist asked his assistant where the man went? The assistant said:

"Your house."

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Created by: malteeser

2/5/15 @ 11:48am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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During camouflage training in Louisiana, a private disguised as a tree trunk had made a sudden move that was spotted by a visiting general.

"You simpleton!" the officer barked. "Don't you know that by jumping and yelling the way you did, you could have endangered the lives of the entire company?"

"Yes sir," the solder answered apologetically. "But, if I may say so, I did stand still when a flock of pigeons used me for target practice and I never moved a muscle when a large dog peed on my lower branches but when two squirrels ran up my pants leg and I heard the bigger say,

"Let's eat one now and save the other until winter' ---that did it."

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Created by: malteeser

2/6/15 @ 2:28pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A parrot swallows a Viagra tablet.
His owner, disgusted, puts him in the freezer to cool off.

Later when he opens the freezer, he finds the parrot sweating.

"How come you are sweating?" he asks.
The parrot replies, "Do you know how hard it is to open the legs of a frozen chicken?"

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Created by: malteeser

2/9/15 @ 1:23pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man and his wife were in a fancy restaurant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"

The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.

The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".

The waiter leaned close and whispered, "Well, we use the spoon."

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Created by: ourjeffie

2/10/15 @ 4:59am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Brisbane Australia, home of the 2032 Olympic Games
Posts: 45,000

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A fleeing criminal, desperate to escape the police, runs into the desert with hardly any water. Very soon, he runs out of drinking water, and hours later he is already plodding under the merciless desert sun.

He is close to desperation when suddenly he sees something far off in the distance. Hoping against hope that it is water, he starts running towards what he thinks is an oasis, only to find a little old man with a little stand, full of ties.

"Hey you, do you have water?" pants the criminal.

The old man replied, "I have already finished my water, but would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."

The criminal, frustrated, shouted, "You moron! Do I look like I need a tie? I should k!ll you right here, but I have to find some water first!"

"There's no need for threats," said the old tie seller indignantly, "but even though you don't want to buy one of my ties and you treat me like this, I'll help you. If you continue over that hill for about 3 miles, you'll find a restaurant with great food and all the ice-cold water you can drink. Good luck!"

Muttering in disgust, the criminal staggered away over the hill. Several hours later the old man sees him crawling on the dune back towards him. When he finally arrives, he lays on his back, panting.

"Everything ok?" Asked the tie salesman as he bends over to hear the raspy whisper of the other man.

"They won't let me in without a tie."

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Created by: malteeser

2/10/15 @ 12:02pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A six year old goes to the hospital with his grandma to visit his grandpa.

When they get to the hospital, he runs ahead of his grandma and bursts into his grampa's room.

"Grampa, Grampa," he says excitedly, "as soon as grandma comes into the room, make a noise like a frog!"

"What?" said his grandpa.

"Make a noise like a frog because grandma said that as soon as you croaked, we're going to Disneyland!!!"

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Created by: malteeser

2/11/15 @ 7:10am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Wife:"How would you describe me?"
Husband:"ABCDEFGHIJK."
Wife:"What does that mean?"
Husband:"Adorable, beautiful, cute, delightful, elegant, fashionable, gorgeous, and hot."
Wife:"Aw, thank you, but what about IJK?"
Husband: "I'm just kidding!"

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Created by: malteeser

2/12/15 @ 7:42am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A mother tells her little boy, "Matthew, you mustn't eat too many lollies or I'll hide the lolly jar." Matthew asks, "Why?" His mother says, "Because something bad will happen! Your tummy will blow up big like a balloon and then pop!" The next day at church, the boy is sitting next to a pregnant woman. He points to her belly smiling and says, "I know what you've been doing!"

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Created by: malteeser

2/14/15 @ 11:07am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man k i l l s a deer and takes it home to cook for dinner. Both he and his wife decide that they won't tell the k i d s what kind of meat it is, but will give them a clue and let them guess. The dad said, "Well it's what Mommy calls me sometimes." The little girl screamed to her brother, "Don't eat it. Its an asshole!

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Created by: malteeser

2/16/15 @ 7:12am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man is walking down the street, when he notices that his grandfather is sitting on the porch in a rocking chair, with nothing on from the waist down. "Grandpa, what are you doing?" the man exclaims. The old man looks off in the distance and does not answer his grandson. "Grandpa, what are you doing sitting out here with nothing on below the waist?" he asks again. The old man slyly looks at him and says, "Well, last week I sat out here with no shirt on, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea!"

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Created by: malteeser

2/17/15 @ 4:49pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day, their passions overcame them in the office and they took off for her house. Exhausted from the afternoon's activities, they fell asleep and awoke at around 8 p.m. As the man threw on his clothes, he told the woman to take his shoes outside and rub them through the grass and dirt. Confused, she nonetheless complied and he slipped into his shoes and drove home. "Where have you been?" demanded his wife when he entered the house. "Darling," replied the man, "I can't lie to you. I've been having an affair with my secretary. I fell asleep in her bed and didn't wake up until eight o'clock." The wife glanced down at his shoes and said, "You liar! You've been playing golf!"

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Created by: malteeser

2/19/15 @ 9:13am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man walks out on his front porch one day and sees a gorilla in the tree on his front lawn. He calls animal control and about an hour later a man shows up with a ladder, a pit bull, and a shotgun. The animal control employee tells the man, "I'm here to get the gorilla out of your tree. I'm going to use this ladder to climb up the tree and shake the branch the gorilla is on to knock him to the ground. The pit bull is trained to go after anything that falls from the tree and bites their balls which calms the animal down so I can put him in the truck." The man says "Okay, I see what the ladder and the pit bull are for but what is the shotgun for?" The animal control employee says, "Oh, that's for you. In case I fall out of the tree instead of the gorilla, shoot the dog."

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