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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine
A woman awakes during the night to find that her husband was not in their bed.
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
haha...wrong option!
)) 
Quote
She puts on her robe and goes downstairs to look for him. She finds him sitting at the kitchen table with a cup of coffee in front him. He appears deep in thought, just staring at the wall. She watches as he wipes a tear from his eye and takes a sip of coffee.
"What's the matter, dear?" she whispers as she steps into the room. "Why are you down here at this time of night?"
The husband looks up, "Do you remember 20 years ago when we were dating, and you were only 17?" he asks solemnly.
The wife is touched thinking her husband is so caring and sensitive. "Yes, I do," she replies.
The husband pauses. The words are not coming easily. "Do you remember when your father caught us in the back seat of my car?"
"Yes, I remember," says the wife, lowering herself into a chair beside him.
The husband continues..."Do you remember when he shoved a shotgun in my face and said, "Either you marry my daughter, or I will send you to jail for 20 years".
"I remember that too", she replies softly.
He wipes another tear from his cheek and says... "I would have gotten out today!"
haha...wrong option!
)) Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/22/14 @ 7:23am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A lady and her baby get on a bus. The bus driver looks at the lady, and then her baby, and then screams, "AHHHH! That's the ugliest c h i l d I've ever seen in my life!"
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
Quote
The lady then, totally disgusted, marches up to the back of the bus to sit down.
As she was sitting there absolutely furious, a man asks, "Are you ok, dear?"
The lady replies, "I'm so angry, that bus driver just insulted me."
The man says, "You go back up there and give that bus driver a piece of your mind, and I'll watch your monkey."
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The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Quote
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
Quote
The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
lol Quote
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'
lol Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/23/14 @ 11:46am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Approaching the woman at a single's bar, the young man said, "Hi cookie. How about a date?"
"Forget it," she said. "I never go out with a perfect stranger."
"We are both in luck," he said. "I'm far from perfect." Quote
"Forget it," she said. "I never go out with a perfect stranger."
"We are both in luck," he said. "I'm far from perfect." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/24/14 @ 2:36pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A guy walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a fuckin' checking account".
The teller, surprised with his behavior, replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!", said the teller.
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time??"
Quote
The teller, surprised with his behavior, replies, "I beg your pardon, what did you say?"
"Listen up dammit, I said I want to open a fuckin' checking account right now."
"Sir, I'm sorry but we do not tolerate that kind of language in this bank!", said the teller.
The teller left the window and went over to the bank manager and told him about her situation. They both returned and the manager asked, "What seems to be the problem here?"
"There's no damn problem," the man said, "I just won 50 million in the lottery and I want to open a fuckin' checking account in this damn bank!"
"I see sir," the manager said, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time??"
Quote
Created by:
louisphillippe
10/25/14 @ 12:16am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234
Malteeser: your posts are amazinggggg!!! 
Thank you so much for making me laugh so hard....
ROFLMAO!!!
LOLOLOL.....LMAO!!!!
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/25/14 @ 1:14pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Thanks louisephilippe.
Here comes another one:
Amanda goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."
To that the man asks, "Anything?" And Amanda says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?" Quote
Here comes another one:
Amanda goes into a world wide message centre to send a message to her mother in Poland. When the man tells her it will be $300 she exclaims, "I don't have any money. But I would do anything to get a message to my mother in Poland."
To that the man asks, "Anything?" And Amanda says "Yes...anything!" With that, the man says "Follow me." He walks into the next room and tells her, "Come in and close the door." She does.
He then says, "Get on your knees." She does.
He then says, "Take down my zipper." She does.
He then says, "Go ahead... Take it out." With that, she takes it out and takes hold of it with both hands.
The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?" Quote
Created by:
louisphillippe
10/25/14 @ 2:15pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234
The man then says, "Well. Go ahead!" She brings her mouth closer to it, and while holding it close to her lips she says, "Hello? Mom?"
I bet she was a natural blonde...... Ha ha ha haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!
Wonderful!!!
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/27/14 @ 7:55am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A businessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar, and orders a double martini on the rocks. After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket, then he asks the bartender to prepare another double martini.
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Quote
After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and asks the bartender to bring another double martini. The bartender says, "Look, buddy, I'll bring ya' martinis all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill."
The man replies, "I'm peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then I know it's time to go home."
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/28/14 @ 6:59am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away, the counter-tops cleaned, the appliances sparkling, the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Quote
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away, the counter-tops cleaned, the appliances sparkling, the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed, the furniture cleaned and dusted, the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/29/14 @ 12:42pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
An old man and woman were married for years even though they hated each other. When they had a confrontation, screams and yelling could be heard deep into the night. A constant statement was heard by the neighbors who feared the man the most. "When I die I will dig my way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!"
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down." Quote
They believed he practiced black magic and was responsible for missing cats and dogs, and strange sounds at all hours. He was feared and enjoyed the respect it garnished.
He died abruptly under strange circumstances and the funeral had a closed casket. After the burial, the wife went straight to the local bar and began to party as if there was no tomorrow. The gaiety of her actions were becoming extreme while her neighbors approached in a group to ask these questions: Are you not afraid? Concerned? Worried? that this man who practiced black magic and stated when he died he would dig his way up and out of the grave to come back and haunt you for the rest of your life?
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down." Quote
Created by:
louisphillippe
10/29/14 @ 8:56pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234
The wife put down her drink and said..."let the old bastard dig. I had him buried upside down."
It worked!!! 
I just met himin Shanghai getting his nails done....
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/30/14 @ 10:54am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Four surgeons were sitting around discussing who they like to operate on.
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
Quote
The first surgeon said, "I like operating on librarians. When you open them up everything is in alphabetical order".
The second surgeon said, "I like operating on accountants. When you open them up everything is in numerical order".
The third surgeon said, "I like operating on electricians. When you open them up everything is color coded.
The fourth surgeon said, "I like operating on lawyers".
The other three surgeons looked at each other in disbelief. One of them asked why.
The fourth surgeon replied, "Because they are heartless, gutless, spineless, and their ass and head are interchangeable".
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
10/31/14 @ 10:52am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A lady is having a bad day at the tables in Vegas. Down to her last $100, completely exasperated, she cries, "What rotten luck! What in the world should I do now?"
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
Quote
A gent next to her, trying to calm her down a bit, calmly suggests, "I don't know... Why don't you play your age?"
He walks away. Moments later, his he is intrigued to hear a great commotion at the roulette table. Maybe, she won!
Rushing back to the table and pushing his way through the crowd, he is stunned to see the lady lying limp on the floor, with the table operator kneeling over her.
He asks, "What happened? Is she all right?"
The operator replies, "I don't know, buddy.... She put all her money on 29. When 36 came up she fainted!"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/1/14 @ 3:14am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Grandpa was showing little Johnny around the farm, and when they came to the stables, he explained, "That's a bull and a cow, and he's serving her." A little later on, they saw horses. The Grandpa said, "That's a stud and a mare, and he's serving her, too."
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!" Quote
That night at supper, after everyone was seated and grace was said, Grandma turned to Grandpa and said, "Will you please serve the turkey?"
Little Johnny jumped up and yelled, "If he does, I'm eating a hamburger!" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
11/3/14 @ 11:36am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A gay man was walking along the street when he saw a ladder going into the clouds. As any of us would do, he climbed the ladder. He reached a cloud, upon which sat a rather plump and very ugly man. "Fuck me or climb the ladder to success," he said.
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner man, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success," he said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive guy who, this time, was quite attractive. "Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," he uttered. As he turned him down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolutely handsome guy. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," he flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!" Quote
No contest, thought the man, so he climbed the ladder to the next cloud. On this cloud was a slightly thinner man, who was slightly easier on the eye. "Fuck me hard or climb the ladder to success," he said. "Well," thought the man, "might as well carry on."
On the next cloud was an even more attractive guy who, this time, was quite attractive. "Fuck me now or climb the ladder to success," he uttered. As he turned him down and went on up the ladder, the man thought to himself that this was getting better the further he went.
On the next cloud was an absolutely handsome guy. Slim, attractive, the lot. "Screw me here and now or climb the ladder to success," he flirted. Unable to imagine what could be waiting, and being a gambling man, he decided to climb again. When he reached the next cloud, there was a 400 pound ugly man, arm pit hair showing, flies buzzing around his head.
"Who are you?" the man asked.
"Hello" said the ugly fat man, "I'm Cess!" Quote
Created by:
louisphillippe
11/3/14 @ 4:53pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Momentarely in this galaxy while the mother ship r
Posts: 1,234
