Forum Topics
Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine
I like very much this thread 
I have one : Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?
For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Quote
I have one : Why do men chase women they have no intention of marrying?For the same reason dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving
Quote
- Finally i got my driver license and now i can buy a car. Whats the bets car for a girl ?
- WASH CAR !!! Quote
- WASH CAR !!! Quote
Husband asks his wife curiously :
- Dear why you dont tell me when you are really satisfied in bed ?
- You forgot you forbidden me to call you when you are on work ? Quote
- Dear why you dont tell me when you are really satisfied in bed ?
- You forgot you forbidden me to call you when you are on work ? Quote
Created by:
phil_usa
8/5/13 @ 2:22pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Driving Down Thunder Road
Posts: 4,747
A man checked into a hotel. There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an e-mail to his wife. However, he accidentally typed wrong e-mail address, and without realizing his error, he sent the e-mail. Meanwhile....somewhere, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. The widow decided to check her e-mail, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she fainted. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor, and saw the computer screen which read:
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey would be as uneventful as mine was .
Quote
To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I've Reached Safely
I know you're surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now, and we are allowed to send e-mails to our loved ones. I've just reached safely and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey would be as uneventful as mine was .
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/7/13 @ 10:21am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
An Italian Joke
(you need to know just a little Italian to understand this joke - but I will try to translate where required)
There was a convent of nuns who never get in touch with the outside world, especially with men.
The only two men who visited the convent were the priest and the gardener. But they never really entered inside. They did their jobs from behind locked gates. The gardener looked through the window and saw a sexy nun. He became horny, broke a window, entered inside and fucked the nun. All went well and this continued for several days until the nun became pregnant.
Sor Maria (Sister Mary), the chief of the nuns, was furious. And she investigated. She questioned the priest and the gardener but without success. One day, while the gardener and the nun were fucking again, Sor Maria called all nuns to come out in the convent corridor and stay in one line against the wall. The gardener had to hide. So he dressed up like a nun and joined the line of nuns - the last one. Sor Maria ordered the nuns to lift their skirts to show their privates and shout out loudly their names. And so the nuns followed orders:
Sor Clotilde
Sor Faustina
Sor Teresina
Sor Lucrezia
and finally the gardener:
Sor Presa!
(sorpresa = surprise)
Quote
(you need to know just a little Italian to understand this joke - but I will try to translate where required)
There was a convent of nuns who never get in touch with the outside world, especially with men.
The only two men who visited the convent were the priest and the gardener. But they never really entered inside. They did their jobs from behind locked gates. The gardener looked through the window and saw a sexy nun. He became horny, broke a window, entered inside and fucked the nun. All went well and this continued for several days until the nun became pregnant.
Sor Maria (Sister Mary), the chief of the nuns, was furious. And she investigated. She questioned the priest and the gardener but without success. One day, while the gardener and the nun were fucking again, Sor Maria called all nuns to come out in the convent corridor and stay in one line against the wall. The gardener had to hide. So he dressed up like a nun and joined the line of nuns - the last one. Sor Maria ordered the nuns to lift their skirts to show their privates and shout out loudly their names. And so the nuns followed orders:
Sor Clotilde
Sor Faustina
Sor Teresina
Sor Lucrezia
and finally the gardener:
Sor Presa!
(sorpresa = surprise)
Quote
An Italian Joke
(you need to know just a little Italian to understand this joke - but I will try to translate where required)
There was a convent of nuns who never get in touch with the outside world, especially with men.
The only two men who visited the convent were the priest and the gardener. But they never really entered inside. They did their jobs from behind locked gates. The gardener looked through the window and saw a sexy nun. He became horny, broke a window, entered inside and fucked the nun. All went well and this continued for several days until the nun became pregnant.
Sor Maria (Sister Mary), the chief of the nuns, was furious. And she investigated. She questioned the priest and the gardener but without success. One day, while the gardener and the nun were fucking again, Sor Maria called all nuns to come out in the convent corridor and stay in one line against the wall. The gardener had to hide. So he dressed up like a nun and joined the line of nuns - the last one. Sor Maria ordered the nuns to lift their skirts to show their privates and shout out loudly their names. And so the nuns followed orders:
Sor Clotilde
Sor Faustina
Sor Teresina
Sor Lucrezia
and finally the gardener:
Sor Presa!
(sorpresa = surprise)
Can i laugh once again ? hahaha
Quote
(you need to know just a little Italian to understand this joke - but I will try to translate where required)
There was a convent of nuns who never get in touch with the outside world, especially with men.
The only two men who visited the convent were the priest and the gardener. But they never really entered inside. They did their jobs from behind locked gates. The gardener looked through the window and saw a sexy nun. He became horny, broke a window, entered inside and fucked the nun. All went well and this continued for several days until the nun became pregnant.
Sor Maria (Sister Mary), the chief of the nuns, was furious. And she investigated. She questioned the priest and the gardener but without success. One day, while the gardener and the nun were fucking again, Sor Maria called all nuns to come out in the convent corridor and stay in one line against the wall. The gardener had to hide. So he dressed up like a nun and joined the line of nuns - the last one. Sor Maria ordered the nuns to lift their skirts to show their privates and shout out loudly their names. And so the nuns followed orders:
Sor Clotilde
Sor Faustina
Sor Teresina
Sor Lucrezia
and finally the gardener:
Sor Presa!
(sorpresa = surprise)
Can i laugh once again ? hahaha
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/8/13 @ 6:53am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Three friends, Miguel, Santiago and Jose, die and go to heaven's gate. They are welcomed by Saint Peter at the gate.
Saint Peter asks Miguel: How was your life? Have you ever been unfaithful towards your wife?
Oh yes, but iI admit I have been unfaithful about ten times. I am sorry. I am weak. But otherwise I have done good: says Miguel.
Ok :says Saint Peter: you deserve to enter heaven and I give you a motorbike to go around for eternity.
Then Saint Peter asks Santiago: How was your life? Have you ever been unfaithful towards your wife?
Santiago replies: Oh yes dear Saint Peter. I have always been good in my life but I admit I have been unfaithful towards my wife a couple of times.
Ok :says Saint Peter: you deserve to enter heaven and I give you a nice car to go around for eternity.
Finally Saint Peter asks Jose: How was your life? Have you ever been unfaithful towards your wife?
Jose replies: I have been a good man. I have always done good and I was never unfaithful towards my wife.
Good: says Saint Peter: you too deserve to enter heaven and I give you a limousine to go around heaven for eternity.
And all three friends go into heaven.
Three years passed and finally they meet again.
They ask each other: How are you doing here?
All say they are doing fine except Jose who has tears in his eyes.
What possibly could go wrong with you and your limousine?: Miguel and Santiago ask.
Jose replies: I saw my wife running about on a scooter!
Quote
Saint Peter asks Miguel: How was your life? Have you ever been unfaithful towards your wife?
Oh yes, but iI admit I have been unfaithful about ten times. I am sorry. I am weak. But otherwise I have done good: says Miguel.
Ok :says Saint Peter: you deserve to enter heaven and I give you a motorbike to go around for eternity.
Then Saint Peter asks Santiago: How was your life? Have you ever been unfaithful towards your wife?
Santiago replies: Oh yes dear Saint Peter. I have always been good in my life but I admit I have been unfaithful towards my wife a couple of times.
Ok :says Saint Peter: you deserve to enter heaven and I give you a nice car to go around for eternity.
Finally Saint Peter asks Jose: How was your life? Have you ever been unfaithful towards your wife?
Jose replies: I have been a good man. I have always done good and I was never unfaithful towards my wife.
Good: says Saint Peter: you too deserve to enter heaven and I give you a limousine to go around heaven for eternity.
And all three friends go into heaven.
Three years passed and finally they meet again.
They ask each other: How are you doing here?
All say they are doing fine except Jose who has tears in his eyes.
What possibly could go wrong with you and your limousine?: Miguel and Santiago ask.
Jose replies: I saw my wife running about on a scooter!
Quote
Q: What did the lawyer say to the other lawyer?
A: "We are both lawyers."
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips. ( [sic] @ this whole copy-n-pasted thing)
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
A Muslim walked into a bomb shop.
Turns out he was in the wrong store so he left and went on with his day.
Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
But Roses can also be White.
And Violets should be Purple.
Q: Why are pine trees green?
A: Time to get a new watch.
Q: What has a big nose and a lot of money?
A: A millionare with a big nose.
Q: What did Timmy want for Christmas?
A: Parents
Roses are grey
Violets are grey
I'm a dog
A man walks into a bar. His problem with substance abuse is ruining his health and tearing apart his family. Quote
A: "We are both lawyers."
There's an Irishman, a homosexual, and a Jew standing at a bar. What a fine example of an integrated community.
A duck walks into a over 7-11 and says "Give me some Chapstick, put it on my bill!" But the cash register attendee doesn't speak English and cannot understand him. He does, however, question whether his God is punishing him because as all people know, Ducks cannot speak, however, this hallucination must be punishment for a horrid misdeed. The employee breaks down into tears and begins reciting prayer. The duck, slightly miffed, walks out, pondering why he'd need Chapstick anyway, since he has no lips. ( [sic] @ this whole copy-n-pasted thing)
Have you seen Stevie Wonder's new house?
No.
Well, it's really nice.
A Muslim walked into a bomb shop.
Turns out he was in the wrong store so he left and went on with his day.
Roses are Red.
Violets are Blue.
But Roses can also be White.
And Violets should be Purple.
Q: Why are pine trees green?
A: Time to get a new watch.
Q: What has a big nose and a lot of money?
A: A millionare with a big nose.
Q: What did Timmy want for Christmas?
A: Parents
Roses are grey
Violets are grey
I'm a dog
A man walks into a bar. His problem with substance abuse is ruining his health and tearing apart his family. Quote
"Two pancakes walks in desert , one hamper and drop the jam."
- Accused, you have committed the break yourself?
- Yes, Your Honor. Nowadays, it is hard to find a serious partner ...
- What are you going to do after high school? class teacher asked the schoolboy.
- Usually I go to smoke, he said. But now, just to pee. Quote
- Accused, you have committed the break yourself?
- Yes, Your Honor. Nowadays, it is hard to find a serious partner ...
- What are you going to do after high school? class teacher asked the schoolboy.
- Usually I go to smoke, he said. But now, just to pee. Quote
Created by:
petek
8/11/13 @ 4:27pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Heart of England
Posts: 542
A Romanian arrives in London as a new immigrant to the United Kingdom.
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England."
The person says, "I not English, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country England!"
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Afghanistan. I am not British."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Englishwoman?"
She says, "No, I am from Poland."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the English?"
The Polish lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work.
GOOGLE TRANSLATION - ESPANOL
Un rumano llega a Londres como un nuevo inmigrante al Reino Unido.
l para a la primera persona l ve el andar abajo la calle y dice, 'Gracias Sr. Englishman, para dejarme entran en este pas, dndome alojamiento, Ayuda Compensatoria, liberan la asistencia mdica, y una educacin libre!'
El transente dice, 'Usted es confundido, soy el egipcio.'
El hombre contina y encuentra a otro transente. 'Gracias por tener un pas tan hermoso aqu en Inglaterra.'
La persona dice, 'yo no ingls, soy paquistan.'
La nueva llegada anda ms lejos, y la siguiente persona l ve que l se para, sacude su mano, y dice,
'Gracias por maravilloso pas Inglaterra!'
Aquella persona presenta su mano y dice,
'Soy de Afganistn. No soy britnico.'
l finalmente ve a una seora agradable y pregunta,
'Usted es una Inglesa?'
Ella dice, 'No, soy de Polonia.'
Perplejo, l le pregunta,
'Dnde estn todos los Ingleses?'
La seora polaca comprueba su reloj y dice,
'Probablemente en trabajo. Quote
He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says, "Thank you Mr. Englishman, for letting me come into this country, giving me housing, Income Support, free medical care, and a free education!"
The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am Egyptian."
The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in England."
The person says, "I not English, I am Pakistani."
The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says,
"Thank you for wonderful country England!"
That person puts up his hand and says,
"I am from Afghanistan. I am not British."
He finally sees a nice lady and asks,
"Are you an Englishwoman?"
She says, "No, I am from Poland."
Puzzled, he asks her,
"Where are all the English?"
The Polish lady checks her watch and says,
"Probably at work.
GOOGLE TRANSLATION - ESPANOL
Un rumano llega a Londres como un nuevo inmigrante al Reino Unido.
l para a la primera persona l ve el andar abajo la calle y dice, 'Gracias Sr. Englishman, para dejarme entran en este pas, dndome alojamiento, Ayuda Compensatoria, liberan la asistencia mdica, y una educacin libre!'
El transente dice, 'Usted es confundido, soy el egipcio.'
El hombre contina y encuentra a otro transente. 'Gracias por tener un pas tan hermoso aqu en Inglaterra.'
La persona dice, 'yo no ingls, soy paquistan.'
La nueva llegada anda ms lejos, y la siguiente persona l ve que l se para, sacude su mano, y dice,
'Gracias por maravilloso pas Inglaterra!'
Aquella persona presenta su mano y dice,
'Soy de Afganistn. No soy britnico.'
l finalmente ve a una seora agradable y pregunta,
'Usted es una Inglesa?'
Ella dice, 'No, soy de Polonia.'
Perplejo, l le pregunta,
'Dnde estn todos los Ingleses?'
La seora polaca comprueba su reloj y dice,
'Probablemente en trabajo. Quote
Created by:
petek
8/11/13 @ 4:36pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Heart of England
Posts: 542
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put herclothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'
The rest, as they say, is history... Quote
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except... The Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle.
Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife.
After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my vagina.'
The penis shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put herclothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A Police Officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer. You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied,'Yeah right... Magic Penis, my arse...!!!!!!!!!!'
The rest, as they say, is history... Quote
Created by:
petek
8/11/13 @ 4:46pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Heart of England
Posts: 542
The largest condom factory in the States burned down. President Obama was awakened at 4 am by the telephone.
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
from Mexico ...."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron (Prime Minister of the UK) and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
All coloured with Union Jacks (the British Flag) with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
Quote
"Sorry to bother you at this hour, Sir, but there is an emergency!
I've just received word that the Durex factory in Washington has burned to the ground. It is estimated that the entire USA supply of condoms will be used up by the end of the week."
Obama: "Oh damn! The economy will never be able to cope with all
those unwanted babies. We'll be ruined. We'll have to ship some in
from Mexico ...."
Telephone voice says, "Bad idea... The Mexicans will have a field day with this one. We'll be a laughing stock. What about the UK" ?
Obama: "Okay, I'll call Cameron (Prime Minister of the UK) and tell him we need five million condoms, ten inches long and three inches thick. That way, they'll continue to respect us as Americans."
Three days later, a delighted President Obama ran out to open the first of the 10,000 boxes that had just arrived. He found it full of condoms, 10 inches long and 3 inches thick, exactly as requested...
All coloured with Union Jacks (the British Flag) with small writing on each one:
MADE IN ENGLAND - SIZE: SMALL
Quote
Created by:
petek
8/11/13 @ 4:55pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Heart of England
Posts: 542
All the organs of the body were having a meeting,
trying to decide who was the one in charge.
"I should be in charge," said the brain, "Because I run all the body's systems, so without me nothing would happen."
"I should be in charge," said the blood, "Because I circulate oxygen all over so without me you'd all waste away."
"I should be in charge," said the stomach," Because I process food and give all of you energy."
"I should be in charge," said the legs, "because I carry the body wherever it needs to go."
"I should be in charge," said the eyes, "Because I allow the body to see where it goes."
"I should be in charge," said the rectum, "Because I'm responsible for waste removal."
All the other body parts laughed at the rectum and insulted him, so in a huff, he shut down tight.
Within a few days, the brain had a terrible headache,
the stomach was bloated,
the legs got wobbly,
the eyes got watery,
and the blood was toxic.
They all decided that the rectum should be the boss
.
THE MORAL OF THE STORY?
Even though the others do all the work...
The ass hole is usually in charge Quote
There is a sign on the lawn at a drug re-hab center saying 'Keep off the Grass'.
I put sometimes a sign on my pubes with that "Keep off the Grass"
HAHAHAHHA Quote
I put sometimes a sign on my pubes with that "Keep off the Grass"
HAHAHAHHA Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/14/13 @ 11:55am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
One day, a 7 year old boy went to visit his grandmother. Playing with his toys in her bedroom while grandma was dusting, he looked up and said: "Grandma, why don't you have a boyfriend now that grandpa went to heaven?"
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Quote
Grandma replied: "Honey, my TV-set is my boyfriend. I can sit in my bedroom and watch it all day long. The religious programs makes me feel good and the comedies makes me laugh. I'm happy with my it as my boyfriend."
Grandma turned on the TV-set, and the reception was terrible. She started adjusting knobs, trying to get it focus.
Frustrated, she started hitting the backside of the TV hoping to fix the problem.
The little boy heard the doorbell ring, so he hurried to open the door, and there stood his grandpa's old friend, now the grandma's minister.
The minister said: "Hello, son, is your Grandma home?"
The little boy replied: "Yeah, she's in the bedroom bangin' her boyfriend!"
Quote
