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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine
Created by:
malteeser
7/23/14 @ 7:19am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A very elderly couple is having an elegant dinner to celebrate their 75th wedding anniversary. The old man leans forward and says softly to his wife, "Dear, there is something that I must ask you. It has always bothered me that our tenth baby never quite looked like the rest of ours. Now I want to assure you that these 75 years have been the most wonderful experience I could have ever hoped for, and your answer cannot take that all that away. But, I must know, did he have a different father?"
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You." Quote
The wife drops her head, unable to look her husband in the eye, she paused for moment and then confessed. "Yes. Yes he did."
The old man is very shaken, the reality of what his wife was admitting hit him harder than he had expected. With a tear in his eye he asks, "Who? Who was he? Who was the father?"
Again, the old woman drops her head, saying nothing at first as she tried to muster the courage to tell the truth to her husband. Then, finally, she says: "You." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
7/24/14 @ 7:46am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning in Father's room the other day and do you know what I found? A bunch of pornographic magazines."
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. Quote
"What did you do?" the other nuns asked.
"Well, of course I threw them in the trash."
The second nun said, "Well, I can top that. I was in Father's room putting away the laundry and I found a bunch of condoms!"
"Oh my!" gasped the other nuns. "What did you do?" they asked.
"I poked holes in all of them!" she replied. The third nun fainted. Quote
Created by:
malteeser
7/25/14 @ 3:12pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A man loses his hat, so he goes to church to steal one off of the hat rack. When he gets there, the priest was giving his sermon on the Ten Commandments. Something in the sermon gives the man a flash of insight and, after mass, the man goes to confession to tell the priest what he was going to do...
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
Quote
Man: Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
Father: Go ahead, son.
Man: I lost my hat and I came to church today to steal a hat off of the rack.
Father: Is that so?
Man: But then I heard you talking about the Ten Commandments - and I changed my mind.
Father: Really? My son, did you make this decision when I was discussing the commandment: "Thou shalt not steal?"
Man: No. It was when you started talking about, "Thou shalt not commit adultery" that I remembered where my hat was!
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
7/28/14 @ 10:11am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of tampons and proceeded to the checkout counter.
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. " Quote
The man at the counter asked the older boy, "Son, how old are you?"
"Eight," the boy replied.
The man continued, "Do you know what these are used for?"
The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They're for him. He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these, you would be able to swim and ride a bike. Right now, he can't do either one. " Quote
Created by:
malteeser
7/29/14 @ 6:47am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
There was a tour bus in Egypt that stopped in the middle of a town square. The tourists are all shopping at the little stands surrounding the square. One tourist looks at his watch, but it is broken, so he leans over to a local who is squatted down next to his camel. "What time is it, sir?"
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05 p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the square, where that clock is hanging on the tower." Quote
The local reaches out and softly cups the camel's genitals in his hand, and raises them up and down. "It's about 2:00", he says. The tourist can't believe what he just saw.
He runs back to the bus, and sure enough, it is 2:00. He tells a few of the fellow tourists his story, "The man can tell the time by the weight of the camel's genitals!! One of the doubting tourists walks back to the local and asks him the time, the same thing happens!! It is 2:05 p.m.
He runs back to tell the story. Finally, the bus driver wants to know how it is done. He walks over and asks the local how he knows the time from the camel's genitals. The local says "Sit down here and grab the camel's genitals". "Now, lift them up in the air. Now, look underneath them to the other side of the square, where that clock is hanging on the tower." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
7/30/14 @ 2:37pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A woman was helping her husband set up his computer, and at the appropriate point in the process, she told him that he would now need to enter a password, something he could remember easily and will use each time he has to log on.
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** Quote
The husband was in a rather amorous mood and figured he would try for the shock effect to bring this to his wife's attention. So, when the computer asked him to enter his password, he made it plainly obvious to his wife that he was keying in....
P... E... N.... I... S...
His wife fell off her chair laughing when the computer replied:
***PASSWORD REJECTED. NOT LONG ENOUGH*** Quote
Created by:
malteeser
7/31/14 @ 11:00am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A streetwalker was visiting her doctor for a regular check-up.
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac.
Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess." Quote
"Any specific problems you should tell me about?" the doctor asked.
"Well, I have noticed lately that if I get even the tiniest cut, it seems to bleed for hours." she replied. "Do you think I might be a haemophiliac?"
"Well," the doctor answered, "Haemophilia is a genetic disorder and it is more often found in men, but it is possible for a woman to be a haemophiliac.
Tell me, how much to you lose when you have your period?"
After calculating for a moment, the hooker replied, "Oh, about seven or eight hundred dollars, I guess." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/5/14 @ 12:38pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversations. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi." Quote
"Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend to spella Mississippi." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/6/14 @ 10:43am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Man calls home. Maid answers phone. He says, "Can I speak to my wife?" She says, "No, she's upstairs in bed with her boyfriend." He's maid--says, "Ok, go to the hall closet and take out my shotgun. Go upstairs and k i l l them both." Being the loyal maid, she says, "Ok." 5 minutes later she picks up the phone and says, "Ok, they're both dead. What should I do with the bodies?" He says, "Throw them in the pool, and I'll take care of them when I get home." She says, "We don't have a pool." He asks, "Is this 555-1234?"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/7/14 @ 11:44am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A fireman came from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station. Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole. Bell 3 rings and we're ready to go on the trucks."
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
Quote
"From now on," he said, "we're going to run this house the same way." "When I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When I say Bell 2, I want you to jump into bed. When I say Bell 3, we're going to make love all night."
The next night the fireman came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!" and his wife took off her clothes. "Bell 2," and his wife jumped into bed. "Bell 3," and they began to make love. After two minutes his wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is Bell 4?" the husband asks.
"Roll out more hose," she replied, "you're nowhere near the fire!"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/8/14 @ 10:01am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Two older gentlemen were talking and one said to the other, "You're having an anniversary soon, right?" The other replied, "Yup, a big one, 20 years." "Wow," said the other, "What are you going to get your wife for your anniversary?" The other replied, "We're going on a trip to Australia." "Wow, Australia, that's some gift!" said the other man. "That's going to be hard to beat. What are you going to do for your 25th anniversary?" "Go back and get her."
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/9/14 @ 5:53am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
One day Grandma sent her grandson Johnny down to the water hole to get some water to cook dinner. As he was dipping the bucket in, he saw two big eyes looking back at him. He dropped the bucket and hurried back for Grandma's kitchen. "Well now, where's my bucket and where's my water?" Grandma asked him. "I can't get any water from that water hole, Grandma" exclaimed Johnny. "There's a BIG old alligator down there!" "Now don't you mind that old alligator, Johnny. He's been there for a few years now, and he's never hurt no one. Why, he's probably as scared of you as you are of him!" "Well, Grandma," replied Johnny, "if he's as scared as I am, then that water ain't fit to drink!"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/11/14 @ 9:37am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A man and a woman were celebrating their 50th anniversary. They were talking before their dinner about how they should celebrate their big evening. The woman decided she would cook a big dinner for her husband. Then he said they should do what they did on their wedding night and eat at the dinner table naked. The woman agreed. Later that night at the table, the woman says, "Honey, my nipples are as hot for you as they were fifty years ago." The man replies, "That's because they are sitting in your soup."
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/12/14 @ 12:04pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all b l o o d s h o t. They said, 'Man, what happened to you?
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all b l o o d s h o t. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.' Quote
He said, 'Bob snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night. '
The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, same thing - hair all standing up, eyes all b l o o d s h o t. They said, 'Man, what happened to you? You look awful!'
He said, 'Man, that Bob shakes the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night .'
The third night was Pete's turn. Pete was a big burly ex-Navy man; a man's man. The next morning he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed. ' Good morning,' he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, 'Man, what happened?'
He said, 'Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Bob into bed, patted him on the butt, and kissed him good night. Bob sat up and watched me all night.' Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/13/14 @ 11:49am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother." Quote
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Ooh dad, there's one." "No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough." "No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman.
The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/14/14 @ 2:34pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A little boy wakes up 3 nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom.
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".
His mom is taken by suprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The little boy says, That won't work"
His Mom says, "WHY?"
The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!" Quote
Finally one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy , every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him".
His mom is taken by suprise and says "Oh... well I'm bouncing on his stomach because he's fat and that makes him thin again."
The little boy says, That won't work"
His Mom says, "WHY?"
The little boy replies "Because the lady next door comes over, after you leave, and blows him back up!!" Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/15/14 @ 9:11am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
Harley Davidson, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new boss for its staff.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the boss noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The boss then hands the guy $1600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the boss looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that fucking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." Quote
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the boss noticed a guy leaning on a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He walked up to the guy leaning against the wall and asked, "How much money do you make a week?"
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, "I make $400 a week. Why?"
The boss then hands the guy $1600 in cash and screams, "Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Feeling pretty good about himself, the boss looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that fucking slacker did here?"
From across the room came a voice: "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's." Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/16/14 @ 7:19am
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground, when he finally gets himself to the doctor.
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Quote
He says, "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little 4-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he saw them.
She says, "You are my FIRST, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says... " Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Quote
Created by:
malteeser
8/19/14 @ 1:05pm
(EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499
One night after a date, a guy takes his girlfriend home. After kissing each other goodnight at the front door, the guy starts feeling a little horny. With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her:
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom." Quote
"Honey, would you give me a blow job?"
Horrified, she replies "Are you mad? My parents will see us!"
"Oh come on! Who's gonna see us at this hour?"
"No, please. Can you imagine if we get caught"
"Oh come on! There's nobody around, they're all sleeping!"
"No way. It's just too risky!"
"Oh please, please, I love you so much?!?"
"No, no, and no. I love you too, but I just can't!"
"Oh yes you can. Please?"
"No, no. I just can't"
"I'm begging you..."
Out of the blue, the light on the stairs goes on, and the girl's sister shows up in her pajamas, hair disheveled, and in a sleepy voice she says:
"Dad says to go ahead and give him a blow job, or I can do it. Or if need be, Mom says she can come down herself and do it. But for God's sake tell him to take his hand off the intercom." Quote
