Josh Polk: Laughter is the best Medicine - 7/26/13 - Male Performer Chat

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Laughter is the best Medicine

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Male Performer Chat: Laughter is the best Medicine

Created by: malteeser

5/13/14 @ 8:22am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
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A man visits a sex t h e r a p i s t for help because he and his wife don't climax at the same time.

The t h e r a p i s t tells the man that he once had the same problem and solved it by keeping a gun underneath his pillow. When he would be about to come, he'd fire the gun and his wife would come, too.

The man thanks the t h e r a p i s t and promises to try it. He comes back the next week, pale and distraught.

"What's wrong?" asks the t h e r a p i s t.

"Well," the man says, "I tried your technique. I placed a .45 underneath the pillow, and that night when I was 69'ing with my wife, I fired the gun just as I was about to come."

"And?"

"She shitted on my face and bit my dick off."

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Created by: malteeser

5/14/14 @ 6:01am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A young couple got married, and in their family, it was tradition that the best man dance with the bride for the first song. Well, this happened...but then they danced for the second song too. And the third. By the time the fourth song came on, the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs. A riot broke out, and all the invited guests were hauled off to jail.

In court the next week, the judge asked the best man what happened.

"Your honor, we were just dancing, and the groom ran up and kicked the bride between the legs."

"That must have hurt," said the judge.

"No kidding," said the best man. "I broke three of my fingers."

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Created by: malteeser

5/14/14 @ 6:30pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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The Pope goes to New York. He is picked up at the airport by a limousine. He looks at the beautiful car and says to the driver, "You know, I hardly ever get to drive. Would you please let me?"
The driver is understandably hesistant and says, "I'm sorry, but I don't think I'm supposed to do that."
But the pope persists, "Please?"
The driver finally lets up. "Oh, all right, I can't really say no to the pope."
So the pope takes the wheel, and boy, is he a speed demon! He hits the gas and goes around 100 mph in a 45 zone. A policeman notices and pulls him over. The cop walks up and asks the pope to roll down the window. Startled and surprised, the young officer asks the pope to wait a minute. He goes back to his patrol car and radios the chief.
Cop: "Chief, I have a problem."
Chief: "What sort of problem?"
Cop: "Well, you see, I pulled over this guy for driving way over the speed limit but it's someone really important."
Chief: "Important like the mayor?"
Cop: "No, no, much more important than that."
Chief: "Important like the governor?"
Cop: "Wayyyyyy more important than that."
Chief: "Like the president?"
Cop: "More."
Chief: "Who's more important than the president?"
Cop: "I don't know, but he's got the pope DRIVING for him!"

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Created by: malteeser

5/16/14 @ 11:59am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Three sons left home to make their fortunes, and they all did very, very well for themselves. They got together recently and were discussing what they each had done to benefit their aging mother.

"Well," said the first one, "I bought Mom a huge house in Beverly Hills."

"I bought her a Mercedes and hired a full-time driver for her."

"I've got you both beat," said the third. "I bought her a miraculous parrot that can recite any Bible verse you tell it to."

A little later, the mother sent out a thank you letter to all three sons. "Gerald -- the house you bought was too big. I only live in one room, but I have to clean the entire house. Milton -- the car is useless because I don't go anywhere because I'm too old. But Robert -- you know exactly what I like. The chicken was delicious."

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Created by: malteeser

5/19/14 @ 6:04am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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How can you tell there's a blind man in a nudist colony?
It isn't hard!

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Created by: malteeser

5/19/14 @ 6:07am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Sue and Sally were discussing their sex lives.

Sue said, "Mine's OK. We get it on every week, but it's no big adventure. How's yours?"

Sally replied, "It's great ever since we got into S&M."

Sue was surprised. "Really, Sally, I never would have guessed that you'd go for that."

"Oh, sure," says Sally, "He snores while I masturbate."

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Created by: malteeser

5/20/14 @ 7:21am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Two bats are going for their midnight feed.

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no b l o o d.

The other bat comes home with b l o o d dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that b l o o d from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I`ll show you."

After awhile the second bat leads them to a cave. He says, "You see that wall over there?"

The hungry bat excitedly says, "Yes!"

Other bat says, "I didn't."

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Created by: malteeser

5/21/14 @ 7:06am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know. One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them. The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.
Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. ''Why are you standing in line, dear?'' she asked. Not willing to let her grandma know the truth, the girl told her that the policemen were passing out free oranges. ''Why, that is awfully nice of them! I think I'll get some for myself,'' said the grandma.
A policeman went down the line, asking for information from all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, he exclaimed, ''Wow, still going at it at your age? How do you do it?''
Grandma replied, ''Oh, it's easy, dear. I just take out my dentures and suck them dry!''

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Created by: malteeser

5/22/14 @ 6:07am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A secretary for a foreign embassy was entertaining a wealthy foreign ambassador during lunch at a very expensive restaurant in uptown New York. The ambassador was so enthralled by the beauty and presence of this secretary that he asked her to marry him. The secretary was startled, but remembered that her boss told her never to insult foreign dignitaries, so she decided to let him down easy.

"I'll only marry you under three conditions."

"Anything, anything," said the ambassador.

"First, you must buy me a 14-karat gold wedding band with a 72 carat diamond, along with a 28 inch studded matching necklace for our engagement."

Without hesitation, the ambassador picked up his cellular phone, called his personal accountant, told him the instructions, and said, "Yes, yes, I buy, I buy!"

The secretary thought that her first request was too easy, so she thought of a more difficult situation.

"Second, I want you to build me a 58-acre mansion in the richest part of the Poconos along with a 40 acre summer home in the sweetest vineyards of Italy."

The ambassador picked up his phone, called his personal broker in New York, then called another broker in Italy, and after his quick conversation, he said, "Yes, yes, I build, I build!"

The secretary was very startled, and knew she must think of a final request that would be impossible to live up to.

"Finally," she said. "I'll only marry you if you have a 10 inch penis."

A sad face befell the ambassador, and he cupped his face in his hands. After weeping in his native language for a few minutes, the ambassador slowly lifted his head and said, "Ok, ok, I cut, I cut!"

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Created by: malteeser

5/23/14 @ 6:39am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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One morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it his wife's birthday. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young. Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has.
Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife. Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she's never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all.
So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, "Marvin, come out to the hallway and look."
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, "All that money and they didn't even iron it?!"

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Created by: malteeser

5/26/14 @ 10:55am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Little Johnny asks his mother her age.

She replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

Johnny then asks his mother how much she weighs.

Again his mother replies, "Gentlemen don't ask ladies that question."

The boy then asks, "Why did Daddy leave you?"

To this, the mother says, "You shouldn't ask that," and sends him to his room.

On the way, Johnny trips over his mother's purse. When he picks it up, her driver's license falls out.

Johnny runs back into the room. "I know all about you now. You are 36 years old, weigh 127 pounds and Daddy left you because you got an 'F' in sex!"

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Created by: malteeser

5/27/14 @ 12:14pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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At a news conference, a journalist said to the politician running for the presidency, "Your secretary said publicly that you have a small penis. Would you please comment on this."

"The truth is," replied the politician, "that she has a big mouth."

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Created by: malteeser

5/28/14 @ 11:32am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Three nuns die and go to heaven, but all must answer one question to get in.

The first nun is asked, "Who was the first man on Earth?" She says, "Adam." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

The second nun is asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth?" She says, "Eve." Lights flash and the gates open.

The third nun is asked, "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam?" Puzzled, the nun is says, "Hmmm, that's a hard one." Lights flash and the pearly gates open.

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Created by: malteeser

5/29/14 @ 12:03pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man has three boys and three girls and is very proud of his achievement. He is so proud of himself that he starts calling his wife "Mother of Six" in spite of her objections.

One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.

He shouts at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home now Mother of Six?"

His wife, finally fed up with her husband, shouts back, "Anytime you're ready, Father of Four!"

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Created by: malteeser

5/29/14 @ 12:03pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Did you hear the one about the good-looking teenage girl who went on a fishing trip with six old men?

She came home with a red snapper.

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Created by: malteeser

5/30/14 @ 2:25pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A man walks into work with two black eyes. His boss asks what happened.

The man says, "I was sitting behind a big woman at church. When we stood up to sing hymns, I noticed that her dress was caught in her crack, so I pulled it out. She turned around and punched me square in the eye."

"Where did you get the other shiner?" the boss asks.

"Well," the man says, "I figured she preferred it in the crack, so I pushed it back in."

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Created by: malteeser

5/31/14 @ 11:49am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A young priest is unhappy with how little money his congregation contributes every week to the collection plate. So decides to try a new tack and h y p n o t i z e them, using Father Matthews' priceless pocket watch. Thus h y p n o t i z e d , they all give the five bucks he asked them too. Pumped by his success, he ups the amount to $10 the next week. Amazingly, everybody gives ten bucks each. The week after that, he decides to up it to twenty bucks, but just as he's about to announce the amount, he drops the watch.

"Shit!" It took the workers two weeks to clean up the church.

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Created by: malteeser

6/2/14 @ 12:01pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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Three ladies go to an exotic male strip club.

One friend pulls out a $10 bill, licks it and sticks it on a stripper's left butt cheek.

Not to be outdone, the second friend pulls out a $50 bill, licks it and sticks it to his right butt cheek.

The third friend pulls out her ATM card, swipes it down his crack, grabs the $60 and goes home.

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Created by: malteeser

6/3/14 @ 1:41pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A married couple walks up to a wishing well. The guy leans over, makes a wish and throws in a penny.

His wife decides to make a wish, too, but she leans over too far, falls into the well and drowns.

The guy says, "Wow, it really works."

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Created by: malteeser

6/4/14 @ 3:39pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Chimba de Isla
Posts: 499

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A lady walks into the local record store.

"Do you have Jingle Bells on the old 12 inch?" she asks.

"No, but I've got dangling balls and a 7-inch," says the smartass behind the counter. The lady thinks for a second.

"Is that a record?"

"I think so. I'm only 14."

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