dudley_do_ride: They Ruled the Late Cretaceous Nights - 5/20/22

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They Ruled the Late Cretaceous Nights

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Female Performer Chat: They Ruled the Late Cretaceous Nights

Created by: dudley_do_ride

5/20/22 @ 2:54am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Run away little mammals... the stage belongs to the big lizards... watch them shake those thangs!

GRARRRRRRRGHHHHHHHHHARGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! Yeah... he is feeling like a fucking god as he pumps a dick bigger than a bus into the heaving, claw spread ass of his conquest of this steamy night. Driving her roiling, quaking body deep into the swamp. Her moans result in blasts of air strong enough to strip primitive leaves off billowing ferns. Her eyes gleam with intense primal lust as she looks back to egg him on.

This is no awkward coupling. This is a well evolved giant couple with arms long enough to spank and grip. With advanced tongues that do more than just loll out dumbly. No theirs can curl and rake up crevices with sensual dexterity. Late late Cretaceous. Fuck size. Fuck speed. Optimized for fucking itself.

The ground shakes as the orgasm starts. No other creature will dr1nk at this water hole as they churn it up in passion. Cum gushes in thick rivers as those tongues slap on leathery skin and big toothed grins match eager eyes for awe inspiring fuck faces.

Some species experience sex as pain and horrible undeniable instinct. This species feels the pleasure and mates and mates and mates with insatiable lust.

They aren't bothered by Tyrannosaurs... those are too embarrassed by their puny arms and just as puny peckers. Sad to see a top of the food chain predator crippled by body shame. It is easy to see why they over-compensate for it all day with their aggressive behavior. They hadn't yet evolved expensive cars, toupees, or jewelry.

Fuck blow jobs. Is too easy to get a dick bitten off by refrigerator-sized teeth. But those tongues. Plenty of smooth clay mud lube. Just don't mistake tar for mud!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

5/22/22 @ 12:12am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Oh powerful gods of the primordial threads of this dread existence... strike me with the gift of magic fingers to wreak my terrible vision upon the unwitting. Make the crazed images that exist in my churning mind roll forth to their destiny!

I sacrifice! On the bl00dy altar of the Sauropodinian the still encased in egg younglings of the Queen!

To work Evil! Of course only Evil! For can there be any good in the empty growling belly and the toothy grin? Run mammals! Hide in your hidy holes!

The Age of the Lizard is back baby!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

5/22/22 @ 12:15am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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STOMP! STOMP!!!! STOOOOMMMMP!!!!!! RAWWWWWWWGARERRRGGGGGRRAAAAAWWWWWWWRRRRRR!!!!

REX HAS A MASSIVE BONER! PUNY FUCKY MEMBER?!?!!!!??????? TINY ARMS!!!!!!

I AM COMING FOR YOU FREAK!!! YOU AND YOUR HUSSY MATE!!!!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/6/22 @ 12:29am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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The old raptor turned a baleful eye in my direction.. But he was in a good mood. It had been a good day. And he was so relaxed here... here in his study.

"Sit... go ahead and sit" sez he. As he swirled his Jim Beam double barreled in his snifter. Making high pitched squeaky noises on the crystal. Yeah crystal. Slave mammals were good for something. Those opposable thumbs and all.

And he started going "bum de bum bish de bum dum de bum bum bish"

"Ahem sir" said I the obedient mammal.

"Gonna lay some raptor culture on yeah." he said with a big toothy grin. They were very good at big toothy grins. Not so good at funerals or crooning love songs.

Then he staggered up outta his easy boy and started dancing. Kicking his hip to one side then the other before whipping out some shades and getting real serious...

" I said woman!!! Are you gonna walk a mile for a camel? Or are you gonna make like Mr Chesterfield at satisfy"

"bum de bum dish bum de bum dish"

"She said... she said. That all depends 'pon what you packin'. Regular or king sized"

"bum de bum dish bum de bum dish"

"Then she pulled out my Jim Beam and to her surprise... it was evairybit as hard as my canadian club."

"So I sez, I sez, well... NOOOOOOOOWWWWWWW WHAT YOU GOT TO SAY????!!!!! baayyayyyAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY BAHHHHHHH?????!!!!!!!"

"She said well I doan know. My oh my oh my. I doan know. I doan know but my baby's pudding down!!!!!!"

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/6/22 @ 3:05am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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Later, the raptor told me that he fucked my wife and got her pregnant...

That cured my hiccups.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/18/22 @ 7:59am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Lezzee if I skip the coffee I can just make it in in time. I'm gonna rock it. Now just grab my keys.. where the fuck are my key?!?

No! This is not going to happen. I had them when I came in from work yesterday. I know it.

The high priority places. You knew you'd be up early and in a hurry. You wouldn't have done anything stupid.

Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! OK less high priority places. It is such a small den. How am i not seeing them?

Ok ok. I must have been droonk. I didn't have anything. But how the fuck else could I put them in some godforsaken place beyond imagination?

Is it a trick of light and shadow? *click click* Nooooo. Maybe if I get down low on the floor. Fuck they have to be right in this corner. Where else would I have flung them?

Fucking half hour in and no joy. There goes the meeting. But I am a valuable guy. They will have to eat it. Just like I am gonna eat the head off the mammal that nabbed my keys!

ARRRGAAAGGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!! Time to go full animul!!!! I am gonna stomp and flush them out. I haven't tried the heap in that corner. There is no fucking way they are in that corner. If they are in that corner my view of reality will fundamnetally change! I am gonna check! But fuck I warned you. I won't be the same an1mul if I find them there!

*toss stomp snarl rip* and then... * kachiiiiiiiiiing* OH FOR FUCK'S SAKE!!!! WHAT POSSIBLE REASON IN EXISTENCE COULD I HAVE HAD TO HUCK THEM OVER THERE??? AND THEN LOSE ALL MEMORY OF IT IN MY PEA BRAINED, WIND WHISTLING THROUGH THE PERPETUAL VACUUM SKULL!!!!! DO YOU THINK i AM GONNA RUSH OFF NOW!!! NO FUCKING WAY!! I AM GONNA LEARN THE LESSON OF THIS DAY SO THAT IT NEVER TAKES A FUCKING HOUR EVER AGAIN!!!!! REVIEW IN INTIMATE DETAIL EVERY STEP!!!! EVERY FALSE HOPE!!!! EVERY FALSE SOUND!!!!! AND THEN I AM GONNA GET REEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLLLLLLLLL DROONK AND MAKE SOME MAMMALS SCATTER!!! I AM NOT EVEN GONNA CATCH THEM. DON'T WANT TO UPSET MY TUMMY WITH THIEVING MAMMAL MEAT! BUT WHEN I GET BACK FROM THE STORE WITH MY SKIM MILK THEN WE'LL SEE YOU WORTHLESS FUCKING VARMITS!!!!!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/25/22 @ 12:16am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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+

Laser Show by Green Jiggling Terror Lizards

WA WA WARRRRRRRRR WAHWAHWAHWAHWAAAAAAAARRRRRRR

Why don't you sit right back?
And I, I may tell you a tale
A tale of three little mammals
And a big
Bad
DEATH LIZARD!!!

Well, the first little mammal , well, he was kinda hick
He spent most of his days just a dreamin' of the city
And then one day, he bought a guitar
He moved to Hollywood to become a star
But living on the farm, he knew nothing of the city
Built his house out of straw, what a pity
And then one day, jammin' on some chords
Along came the raptor, knocking on his door

Little rat, little rat, LET ME IN!!!!

Not by the lumps on my smooth pink belly

Little mammal, little mammal, LET ME IN!!!!

Not by the puby hair covering my ball sack honey

Well, I'm huffin', I'm puffin', I'll blow your house in
Huffin', puffin', blow your house in
Huffin', puffin', blow your house in
HUFFIN' AND PUFFIN' AND BLOW YOUR FUCKING HOUSE IN!!!!

WA WA WARRRRRRRRR WAHWAHWAHWAHWAAAAAAAARRRRRRR

Well, the second little buddy, well, he was kinda stoked
He spent most of his day just in ganja smokin'
Huffin' and a puffin' down on Venice Beach
Getting paid money for religious speech
He built his shelter from what he garbage picked
Mostly made up of old cans and sticks
Then one day he was cranking out Bob Marley
And along came the reptile on his big, bad Harley

Little monkey, little monkey, LET ME IN

Not by the hair of my chinny, chin, chin

Little nugget, little nugget, LET ME IN

Not by the sweat of my army pit pit

Well, I'm huffin', I'm puffin', I'll blow your house in
Huffin', puffin', blow your house in
Huffin', puffin', blow your house in
HUFFIN' AND PUFFIN' AND BLOW YOUR FUCKING HOUSE IN!!!!

Well, the third little chordate, the grade A student
His daddy was a rock star named Rat Face Nugent
Earned his Masters Degree from Harvard College
Built his house from his architect knowledge
A tri-level mansion, Hollywood Hills
Daddy's rock stardom, paid for the bills
And then one day came the old house smasher
The big, bad dinosaur, the little mammal slasher

Little dick, little dick, let me in

Not by the eye of my whizzy fizz fizz

Little dick, little dick, LET ME IN

Not by the ridge on my member so fine

Well, I'm huffin', I'm puffin', I'll blow your house in
Huffin', puffin', blow your house in
Huffin', puffin', blow your house in
HUFFIN' AND PULLIN' AND BLOW YOUR FUCKING HOUSE IN!!!!

Well, the big bad wolf
Well, he huffed and he puffed, all that he could
And low and behold the little man's house stood

"It's made out of concrete", the little guy shouted
The raptor just frowned, as he pouted

So, they called nine-eleven, like any dude would
They sent out Rambo just as fast as they could
Yo, lizard-face, I'm your worst nightmare
Your ass is mine

Well, the raptor fell dead as you can plainly see
So, that's to end the story for you and me

And the moral of the story is
A band with no talent can easily amuse
Idiots with a stupid, light show

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/1/22 @ 8:12pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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And I sometimes see her still... in my memories... such a long time ago. Playing with her glass menagerie. Blowing out her candles before going to sle(e)p.

Blow out your candles, Laura Raptor. Blow out your candles.

Stop chewing them though. And wipe that devlish grin offa your face!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/1/22 @ 8:23pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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It was good for me to go down that fire escape. She couldn't chase me because her claws couldn't quite grip the iron railing.

My guilt at abandoning her will haunt me forever. Until I blow out her candles.

This world... This world is lit by lightning. And there are no longer any gentleman raptors.

So blow out your candles, Laura. Blow them out. And so... goodbye.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/2/22 @ 7:03am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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As a special treat, we here at Do Ride Industries are going to give you a quick glimpse at the editing process.

That random, casual air characterizing our stories is of course a carefully designed illusion. Our editing process continually runs in the background to assure that each story stays within the requirements our illustrious founder has laid down for us.

Routine grinningRaptorJokeOveruseCheck() was custom designed for this particular thread. It was invoked in a special instance of the overnight editing run after the thread scrum master had heard a stakeholder concern regarding possible raptor abuse. The SPRE, Society for Protection of Raptors Everywhere (and Everytime) is a powerful lobbying group that no organization wants to butt heads with. But the OFODS , the Organization of Other Dinosaur Species, won't give us any slack in offloading to less popular species for the purpose of level 1 parody.

You will notice that we did not use the risky device of making fun of raptor feathers. As that might bring in the dreaded ornithologists of the lower east side. Regretfully because that device was seen to have enormous potential.

The thread is still nominal despite some warning lights appearing. You can enjoy our product without any twangs of conscience.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/2/22 @ 7:30pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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* FWOOOOOOOOSHHHHHH WRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR ratchet ratchet*

*click ding ding ... ding ding... click thump thump *

* PSSSSSSSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHT *

....

Time Travelin Sam: RAPTORS GOT FEATHERS!!!

Ornithologist Lower East Side 1: Now we are going to have to k1ll you!!!

OLES 2: THERE IS GONNA BE A PECKING GOING ON!!!!!

**************** THREAD HAS GONE RED!!!! REPEAT RED THREAD!!!! RED THREAD!!!!! SHUTDOWN SEQUENCE INITIATED *******************************

Oh will we never learn...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/7/22 @ 6:34am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Yeah that is how it is. Even though the thread is screaming like a tie fighter out of control and about to hit a planet's surface, we add to it. Accrete to it.

Even though our mind is seared with screaming feathered reptiles with whipping tails and leering visages. That is the hostile reality that Fate has drawn for us.

We wake early knowing our duty is not done and that our eyes will be swollen and red before it is all done. That there is no escape from our doom.

We laugh at the feathered ones. They are nothing compared to our bigger worries. And our struggle makes us gods. Living, fucking, as we breathe gods.

Just without immortality. That is all we lack but all that makes us. And our ability to laugh at our poverty in this. Time we never have. And so when we squander it, there is no feeling like it. As we luxuriate in the waste. Gilligan's Island as we hear the scratch on our chamber door.

Fly reptile! You have no sense of it. Yours is simplicity., A kind of beauty in your lack of dimensions. And for this, you may never ever rule over us. For us you are a mere plaything. We have to suspend everything to truly fear you. You will not enjoy our rule. For we share nothing in common. As alien as it gets.

And so whatever magic there was evaporates and the desert appears once again. The relentless pursuit that is our destiny. The complexity that defies all explanation. The true creed that lies underneath it all. The great weariness at all games that try to distract from it.

Wipe off that devlish grin lizard. And bend the knee.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/15/22 @ 11:28pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Yeah he was right p1ssed off and he had me corned, that raptor of mine.

So I whipped out my ace up the sleeve. "How to Hug" a nice thick volume that I was sure would make him melt.

He paused. Took out his specs. Read little bit and then nearly bit clean through my thick body.

Turns out.... It was volume 5 of the Encyclopedia Brittanica.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/16/22 @ 5:53am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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And now comes Megacock into the fray! The Terrible One - Eyed One. The gigantic, disembodied cock of yore!

Defeater of the Lost Legion! Impregnator of the Arrogant Cunt of Castille! Hail Megacock the Hairless!

See how he smites the grinning lizards! With his wet whappity whappities!

See how they limp away defeated!

Little raptor hickies on Megacok? Makes me laugh! Bwa ha ha ha ha ha!!!! As I hold my jiggling pot belly! The sign of true mastery!

Terrible lizard? More like torn-up lizard!

I am Megacock leader of the Thousand! Dominant life f0rce in this existence! I will have my way! In this life or the nextr!

What we do now echoes in Eternity! What do we say to Death! Death, I am coming to fuck you up the ass, today!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/16/22 @ 6:15am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
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Posts: 3,267

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What say you cock? To the likes of gigacock or teracock?

I say they are lowercase for good reason! I am lithe and lean. Light on my tennis shoe clad feet.!

Dance like a dust mote! Sting like a band-aid pull off a recent owie!

I am Megacock! And my superlative defies all other greek prefixes!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/28/22 @ 8:50pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
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I am Dudley, of House Ride, and I say that foul disembodied cocks shall never rule mankind! Oh their tyranny may be of a different sort than that of terrible lizards. But I speak for the good and evil. The noble and devious schemers alike! That no tyranny shall rule us and certainly no weirdly alien rubbery one.

I kick the dust of the ages on your white tennis shoes! I invoke the Mind over the Bl00d Flooded!

Reason! Uplifting, enlightening Reason shall make all bow to our bearing and majesty of thought!

It will be the necessity of our magnificence and not just the low slung ceilings in our lairs!

Begone to your inner cavity of shame Pecker of Despair! You have no power here!

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Created by: incog_nito

8/28/22 @ 9:02pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/28/22 @ 9:15pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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I remember with fondness the day I discovered Twain's Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court. It was as a boy. And tho the ending was kind of Nemo of 20000 Leagues Under the Sea - - esque... for me it was a happy tale celebrating man's advancement as well as his nobility and humor. As was before I had discovered sex, I was free to have boyish fantasies of how I'd play out the tale differently if I were the main character to my heart's content. It was also before Python kind of changed my whole attitude toward Arthur and the kkkkknigggggits lol.

What is my point? Stand back lizard! Hidey hole cock! Man's imagination and you know what kinda stuff are unlike any tread jumping thing created since!

I'd invoke the image of an army of Scotsmen raising their kilts to some army and the Marty Feldman eyes as he goes after that fur, if ya remember the scene, jumping more track. But don't know if you feel the connection maaaaaaan.

Pop open the mind of man and there be wonders! The modern mind, which is Bugs Bunny aware, long after going sentient so long ago, should make ChickenHeart cower in his bower!

It means immensely... and it means... good!

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Created by: dartagnan_jr

8/29/22 @ 10:50am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: UK
Posts: 162

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WTF 😵🤔👀🤭👀😈😴💩💩💩💩💩

My sentiments exactly, this guys off his rocker.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

8/30/22 @ 8:04am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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It had come to this! A duel to the death!

Two figures. In the morning fog. On the lake. By shrewd design.

Balanced on rocking boat. The same boat. Facing each other. Glaring.

My devious plans had backfired. I responded to Megacock's gauntlet slap with a Retort Scandalous and this choice of scene for our mortal struggle. But I had done so expecting the Foolish One to wear full armor in the great warrior tradition of yore. Instead, he had done similar to me and arrived here facing me only scantily clad and with a weap0n designed to break the boat bottom and drown a fully clad warriror.

Stymied. We glared and glared at each other.

'Til a loud sound caused us both to start and look abeam. A huge shape, ridged and frothing lake wake rose and rushed at us with hellish speed. We waited in dread and slashed at it as it crashed into our boat and clove it cleanly in two pieces. Our slashes made no effect. And in we fell. As the hideous machine disappeared under the waves having accomplished its foul ends.

Turns out, the raptors too had read 20000 Leagues Under the Sea. And they learned. OMG they learned!

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