"What appears to be a multiplicity is in fact a singularity... Filkes, fetch me a moist towlette"

- Dec 22 2013... theory proven at last.

One sperm, traveling faster than Santa Claus' sleigh, accounts for all observed sperms. We are all related through the One, the True, the Mightely Flagellating. Just as all matter can only be divided only so far, down to fundamental particles, so to can the sperm basis set be reduced but to one, no more, no less.

There are many implications... the Universe has changed forever...

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When he was a teenager, no one could have expected that one day Mortimer Singleton would win the Nobel Prize for Spectaculary Improbable Discoveries in Biology for his single sperm theory. He had a spirit that was freer than Spicoli's, his only cares were tanning and women. At one point he decided to mix his two primary pleasures and slowly developed an obsession to combine them as much as possible. Since he loved everything about semen, and needed protection from UV rays, he naturally became interested in using cum as a lotion for protection of skin. His copious ejaculations, and beserker-horny character, kept a whole legion of women whiter than a hospital pillow case all through the six summers he took to complete his thesis. He found that by learning more about its components, he could improve the quality of the lotions, lubricants, and weak adhesives he constructed from his cum.

Eventually, as he matured, his attention fell full upon the mystery of the sperms. He read with greedy fascination every book he could get his hands on regarding genes, cell division, gametes. Though impressed by the great progress that the generations have made upon our understanding of the sperm, he came to realize that the current theory was inadequate to explain the outcomes of some of the more unusual experiements conducted upon the sperm.

One day, he was playing with a slide of his sperm under the scope, when he noticed something crucial. A radioactive tag he attached to one of his sperms instantly was spread all over the sample dish in a manner that did not make any sense at the time. Radioactive residue was suddenly nearly uniformly distributed throughout the volume while the sperm he tagged wiggled and aved at thim from some corner of the dish.

This observation started to coalesce into a theory when he heard the latest prediction of the speed of Santa's sleigh on Christmas Eve. Faster each year as the population becomes larger and the law becomes easier to enforce. Yes the stage was beginning to become set...

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But it is folly to focus so much on the scientist and not describe the phenomenum. It is part of that silliness that makes us what we are...

Does the sperm have a name? Of course. Duane.

Does the egg also travel really fast? Or are there many, many eggs? Pffft. Clearly there are a whole bunch of eggs. The character of the baby is determined by each woman's contribution through the egg.

But then how is the father's contribution made? It isn't. Duane is kind of a random guy. His mood and even exact make-up change rapidly at his whim. While the mother does transfer her attributes, the father has been fooled all these years by Duane's humor. With sometimes tragic results like the events caused by a baby with no resemblance at all to the father but with some to an acquaintance of the family.

So our great diversity as a species has arisen partly as a consequence of the randomness of Duane. It is our job to keep him in good spirits so that we get a healthy diversity instead of a hurtful one. We will talk more about how to do this later but for now I will just let the implications of this much sink in...

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More grist for the mill:

Sperm that partnered to conceive Ben Franklin: Duane

Sperm that partnered to conceive Caesar: Duane

Sperm that partnered to conceive the first homo sapiens ( Herbie the First ): Duane

Yep Duane too is of the set a= time traveler & a= not bunny rabbit... Means he travels faster than the speed of light. Does this violate Physics? Physics is not biology man. They don't even share the same quad on the respectable campuses.

Sperm that partnered to conceive Mitzy the poodle: Kevin That's right, different sperms for different species. So when one species branches... a sperm is born. Conversely in the mass extinctions one sperm per species died.

The sperm is like no other entity we know. It must be learned about by experience not analogy.

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When the egg produces identical twins - which is then the "super sperm?

Einstein's Riddle!

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.

The question is: Who owns the fish?

Happy Christmas Dudley - Quote

When the egg produces identical twins - which is then the "super sperm?

Einstein's Riddle!

There are 5 houses in 5 different colors. In each house lives a person with a different nationality. The 5 owners drink a certain type of beverage, smoke a certain brand of cigar, and keep a certain pet. No owners have the same pet, smoke the same brand of cigar, or drink the same beverage.

The question is: Who owns the fish?

Happy Christmas Dudley -


Hap hap haaaaaappy holidays to you too Mike...

No matter how many times an egg divides, no matter how equally so, no matter where in the entire reproductive train she may hide - it is Duane, Duane and no other so long as we be talkin' human eggs.

Re Einstein's riddle: There are an infinite number of universes and therefore an infinite number of possible answers to this riddle. In my fav universe the answer is: no one for it is a member of the Fighting Free Fish.



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One of the species that almost got it right in their folklore was the hobbits. They had the concept of the One Sperm. However by this they meant there was one ruling sperm whose will governed trait passing and that all the other sperm merely blindly carried out his will. It is not surprising that the high rates of speed achieved by the One were never conceived of by the hobbits for in their lives they simply had no experience with such.

No bright hobbit mind could miss the parallel to the ring that almost was their destruction. So it is not an unlikely event, when a hobbit gets very drunk, to hear him start spouting:
"One Sperm to rule them all and in the darkness bind them!"

Sauron is not known to have forged any sperm however.


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Keep Duane happy. Keep him happy you fucks!

Do you want this next generation to be lazy, game playing, out of shape couch potatoes with the sex appeal of spoilt milk? Then p1ss off Duane. Atta boy. Do what you do so well, start fights, put toothpaste in the sour cream, reach back to your monkey origins, monkey boys and monkey girls, make Duane think of his cousins, his black sheep cousins. Make him think that he should hang out with them more. Guzzle beer and sniff glue with them.

Or you can act nobly, think finely... remind Duane of his other relations, hang in brighter circles. Who knows maybe they will get a cool mutation like Cheetah speed.

Duane needs moisture. Duane loves saltiness. He thrives on balanced diets. He gets so happy with good music.

If you need sons dream of ways for him to swim vigoroulsy and deep. If daughters then have him think of the warm, nurturing side of things. Leave him cookies and milk like you do Santa. Especially on Valentine's day.

Duane. Our hope. Our future. Someday to split into something amazingly new and different. If we don't screw it up. Don't screw it up... I say!!!



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The thorough among you must be asking, what of our 6 and 8 legged buddies? What is the one like for them? Interestingly enough just like for us. One per species. But the names are different...

Black widow spider: Reynaldo

Daddy long legs spider: Wilt

Praying mantis: Hannibal

Fire fly: Tinkerbellman

Ant: Fred

Scorpion: Peter

Stick insect: Basil

Centipede: Julius

Millepede: Maximus

Rhino beetle: Walter

Grasshopper: Howard

And so on. So many species that one wonders what unusual names lurk out there...





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We here at DoRide Industries do hope you enjoyed this public notice of progress in the field.

Though we are in the process of evaluating our performance against our various metrics it is clear that this type of research will continue to be emphasized. Another reason why you should trust the Industries to do what is right for all humanity without question.

We remind you, the public, that it is never proper to think that you have digested a theory fully until you have put on the mantle of researcher and at least read through the journal articles in the area. Something is always lost in the attempt to "popularize" the science. However it is by popularizing discoveries that we seek to generate enthusiam in the public sphere and to stimulate the next generation of scientists to appear upon the scene.

In the course of evalutating your own performance over the course of the year, we hope the discussion has encouraged you to adopt a Duane Pleasing Metric into your set. The correct DPM is like all others a question of what your products are and how timely they need to reach the marketplace.





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