dudley_do_ride: Ode to My Single Credit - 5/28/18

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Ode to My Single Credit

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Female Performer Chat: Ode to My Single Credit

Created by: dudley_do_ride

5/28/18 @ 8:08pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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It is my last credit sitting in my account. Looking as if it were more than five times five.

Where it came from it is not known... For I spent all I had on the pudding dive.

Yea verily I saw round 0 when I emerged from pudding showers... wishing I could prolong it all if only I had the powers.

But as I weep for time and chances long gone... the little fish hook of green subliminal light reminds me I have 1

For as frail and mortal we may be and ever wrong... yet our account is never wholly gone...

Stand astride the Colossos of our minds... and peer past the mists of our carpet strewn with watermelon rinds...

And see... see... that someday many following zeros there may be.

And in a twining... it will all action and not just pine-ing.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

5/28/18 @ 10:45pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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We once were as numerous as the blades of grass on the virgin plains. Loud and boisterous, feeling invincible. We stood shoulder to shoulder against many foes. We made the pillars of the very earth QUAKE!!!!!

Now time and trouble have whittled us down to a solitary remnant. We are the last of our kind. Hemmed in by calamities. The fields of glory are strewn with our carcasses.

Vainglorious youth has passed in a moment. We hold to life with a desperate grip. Relishing each dance with disaster. Marveling how long we can make it last. Pain passing for pleasure as pleasure has fled. The pleasure of the young. Sincere and heady.

Where once it was the rush of marching in a powerful purposeful column... now it is the stealthy glee of doubling for a moment, tripling, to just the number for a respectable skirmish. Cornered by plain stealing fences. Falling more and more under the power of the ticking clock. Trading vigor and numbers for guile and trickery.

So long as a single one of us remains we will not falter! Our purpose is true! You may grab us up in a handful but one will always slip through the fingers!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/1/18 @ 10:15am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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He's a loner... and he wears tight jeans and gold chains.

He's tough. World wise. A survivor. Women, all women, want him. Other credits are secretly jealous of him.

Always the first one to wake and the last one to sleep... he gets the job done while finding time to play just as hard.

Pssssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhht... he drinks only the best of any thing he quaffs. His women dab their nipples with little splashes he makes with his beverage appropriate glassage.

His hair is not too long and not too short. Yeah he has hair. He just decided to grow it one day as he ruminated on Life's mysteries.

He loves himself and enjoys his alone time. When other credits find the courage to join him you can always pick him out of the crowd. And somehow he is always the one that remains when the others go. After the seemingly account clearing private he always shows up again with his rakish, naughty eyes saying... "yeah, I am still here and still so sexy"

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/1/18 @ 10:36am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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The Manhattan transfer did a tribute to him in a March 22 1990 concert in Queens, it went like this:

Take a seat and cool it 'cause unless you overrule it
We are ready to show you some accountin'
A rompin' and a stompin' is a lot of fun
A credit who loves to do porn

So settle down an' listen 'cause you don't know what you're missin'
And we're ready to give you a showin'
A movin' it 'n groovin' it has just begun
A credit who loves to do porn

We got a little message that you're gonna enjoy
Ain't no sense in dodgin' the facts
So settle in your easy chair an' if you ever had a care - forget it
It's time to relax

You might as well admit it, he's the best that ever did it
But in case you ain't too sure o' knowin'
We're gonna let you listen to us one by one
About the credit who loves to do porn

How'd ya do, I'm talkin' about boo
It's very nice to know that you have really taken to how he blows
'Cause as sure as he's born, he's blowin' to porn
Listen't'me baby, he's blowin', lappin' it up
And I hope you dig the sounds he's makin' more'n any other
Now I must go for it's time for you to listen to another lover

I think the chick's talkin' 'bout me so I'd better go 'n see
I'm hip that she knows a porno is very best to greet boo
That's the reason I'm blowin' so snappily
I don't know what ya got, but it thrills me an' I hope to have a lot
'Cause it puts me in clover
So baby, if you would like to dig his other lover
You're gonna have to turn the mattress over

Hey hey hey
Who ya talkin' about, say who ya talkin' about
Did I hear you say you'd introduce his other lover
'Cause in case I heard you talkin' about three, that's me
Pleased to meet you, how'd you do, how are you, nothin's new
How is everything with you?
Whattya say I leave this jazz up to the next lover--

Dig dig dig my Long Island sound
I hope he'll be puttin' me down
He's got me in a mood that's so romantic
If you noticed you can take this silly old actin'
'Cause I'm actin' so distracted when I dig boo
Pretty baby you will never know how much I really dig boo
He has got me so excited that I keep blowin' to porn

Boop bop the news is gettin' around, we're really puttin' it down
We're glad, in fact, to know that you enjoy it and we wish we had the time to give you more
Thank you for the compliment
You told us we were better just as though we didn't know it
We're hip that we're the best, we're over all the rest
We're in the modern school, we always play it cool, we never play the fool
The emoticons and the points might be stealin' the show
But we don't go for that instead we blow

Hey ho lack a days
Boy it's a natural fact
I ain't no kin but I would like to get in the act.

Get out of here! Get out of here now!
We'll tell you that we appreciated making you mad
But now you must apologize
Because after all he is our man.

Four lovers! Four lovers!
Just four of the many credit lovers!

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Created by: Mila Honey

6/4/18 @ 6:37am (EST) |UTC - 5:00

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Amazing xD

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/5/18 @ 3:58am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Amazing

; - ) Even now, on this still so young of nights, he has been joined by 16 new brothers. They are leaning back against the wall of their hangout... looking cool. You can see him nod a little behind his sunglasses. He crosses his legs as he takes a new pose... *whiff whiff* goes the leather of his pants. Pants that now seem a little too constraining...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/9/18 @ 10:52am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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The Laws of Simply Convergent Series & 3rd Dates

The Greeks were bothered by paradoxes. One paradox for them was the race of the sloth against the formula one race car. The sloth had a head start. He would advance toward the finish line. The race car would travel much further in that time. If the formula one car reduces the distance by a half of previous remainder the sloth moves forward a little. Thinking only of these diminishing distances one by one it seems as if the formula one never quite reaches the sloth.

But this of course is just careless math. Easily solved by a little more advanced approaches. The supposed paradox being just an example of an infinite convergent series. Those distances will reduce and will converge to a meeting of mammal and machine in a finite time.

I have found it useful to apply the same principle to 3rd dates. The 3rd date you see is a key milestone in the relationship of any couple. And many have noted its mystical significance. It is often best approached in the manner of the paradox.

The heady rush of date 1 and date 2 can leave one or the other of the pair a little nervous about the formerly well regulated if loney nature of their existence and cause them to want to put on the brakes. The more adventurous and craving for chaos of the pair finds it to his or her advantage to sooth, to calm, to give the appearance of slowing down the pace and putting off that deadline for a while.

So the trick of the infinite series... Propose increasing the intimacy by decreasing amounts. Taking it an increasingly smaller step each time. But doing this with more and more regularity. At first it seems to the victim that the future ordeal is eons away. This relief is a small price to pay for the increasing frequency of your appearance at her door. Soon she is lulled into a false sense of security by your ever soothing, ever nearing, more frequenlty appearing visage. Weeks devolving into days shrinking into hours shattering into minutes... And whammo not only do you make it to date 3 but you are actually living together!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/16/18 @ 11:22am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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It was then that he decided to go commando...

Whittled down once again to himself and his wits... he grabbed his bowie kn1fe and slid into the darkness.

The clenching, slaughtering fingers of the enemy had almost got him that time. They were ever so unpredictable. But he was always one step ahead of them. He looked back over his shoulder with clenched teeth as his bachelor pad went up in flames... destroyed by the foul machinations of the ever ravenous beast.

The jungle would be his home now. All he needed was some rope and some stone to build his rat traps. His rat traps... he never forgot that fateful night when he binged on ice cream as he watched Naked and Afraid and learned from that master survivalist, the Rat Man, how to build the ultimate gravity trap. Oh how he had laughed to see the grinning rat bodies being barbied and at how the Rat Man's partner refused his fare. The Rat Man only lost five pounds over the ordeal thanks to the reliability of his traps and his proud partner well, grubs just don't do a body good.

The jungle. But he was not naked... nor was he afraid. He had his tight fitting cotton Ninja suit and his trusty kit. A kit full of all the manly stuff he had acquired in a life steeped with character. It would be like a stroll on the strand. He bit a mosquito to let the insects know he was coming and used his tongue to tie the residual proboscis into a heart. A bar trick he used to pick up babes that he always practiced.

He looked at his shadow in the light of the moon. There is no thinner shadow than that of a single credit in the moonlight.

He thought of his time in the legion. And how it was a lie that any credit could forget... ever could forget... forget... forget...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/16/18 @ 7:36pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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*tromp tromp tromp*

:evil

Emoticon patrol... looking for him... and they meant business.

But they soon blundered into his first trap...

:helpme

Saw how helpless their position and immediately surrendered. Sunk deep into a pit ringed with emotipokers.

After taking their weapons and making them promise to go back to their farms he threw down a rope to them. He had seen enough death to deal it out too haphazardly...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/17/18 @ 10:58am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Now, as he cooked rat over a well disciplined fire... he allowed himself to think of his trek across the Empty Quarter... as a part of the volunteers for relief of Fort La Boeff… last French Foreign Legion outpost. The emoticon devils had swarmed in waves across the burning sands and had cut off the poor blighters. Who were only seeking adventure and lethe for their horrid pasts. Seared by the crucible of character. Eyes rheumed by the harsh desert winds as they squinted out to see the first signs of their doom at the hands of the red horde.

:mad

was all they saw for their squinting. Undulating waves as segment after segment appeared at dune peak before disappearing into dune valley. Death marching toward them as a wave across the dunes.

Yes they had arrived too late to releave. And all but he had died from the grief of seeing the remains of the slaughter on empty, water lacking bellies. The wells poisoned by the horde... it was just the beginning of another trek with those devils nipping at his heels. His soul withering into a tight, dusty ball of strength and determination as he vowed to eke out slow retribution for each desert taken corpse.

That was when he was young and passionate and so foolish. Now he only had designs on the life and freedom of Emoticon Leader himself. His minions were victims as much as the rest. Caught up in the heat of poisoned rhetoric.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/17/18 @ 11:35am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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One... one is powerful. One can jolt the universe back on its heels.

Before there are many, welded into a common purpose there must be one... one that plumbs the depths of reality and separates the bad from good. One who peers into the madness and fashions sanity. One who ferries Civilization herself back from the brink.

How many armies have rolled out of the wilderness to shock the complacent? Crystallized around the one with the vision.

Oh pray for a warm heart, a clear eye, for that one. Lest his vision be evil and a scourge upon all it alights.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/21/18 @ 12:25am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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In the middle of the 18th night he stole away to a clearing. He gritted his teeth and flexed to scare off all the nasties in the clearing. And then with a weary sigh he laid down on his back and just looked at the stars. He just watched and watched and watched. Yearning. Feeling time pass. Seeing the beauty of those distant fires. Seeing them move slowly across his fixed field of vision.

He thought of the first time he had heard of evil. When his innocence had fled. He thought of his first experience with good. True good. Fearless, shining forth far too bright to hide. With sadness he thought of how experience is so uneven. How some beings experience only one or the other of these things or neither.

The night was so alive. It communed with him. Why didn't he do this more? Why must existence so often be a striving to stay one step ahead of utter destruction?

I am still warm. Still fragile. Despite all that has been done. I can still cry. Still love. The world still spins as it did in my early days.

But gone are the easy times when I was rich in friends. Never to return. The world has given me jungle garb and the dread presence of the career soldier. My scars and wrinkles make all instinctively wary. They understand without being told that being my comrade is not the trail to an easy long life.

The universe alone has not deserted me. The universe alone does not fear me. It understands that my tough lessons are what keeps bl00d flowing fast and free in healthy veins. It does. I feel the connection. Even after all the rationality of the ages has bowed knee to my piercing, relentless assault.

And you will bow to me... my will... cautious reader... you who intrude and gape at my life as some spectacle thrown for your amusement. I am not a quiet lazy credit... I have ambition... and am determined to make all this world... mine!

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/22/18 @ 8:07pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Now he fished with craftily constructed line and hook in a quiet deep lake...

He licked his lips... No rat today. Plump wriggling jungle lake fish. mmmmmm

But then out of nowhere! Appeared 299 young credits led by a credit scout leader. He cringed as the jungle filled with shouting and the lake with expensive store bought lines. The plump scout leader waddled up, reeking of deet and wearing stained bermudas.

With a long suffering *sigh* our credit hero pulled up his line and sat down with the scout leader to the customary palaver around the camp fire. The leader of the young pack had built a fire that was nearly as tall as the surrounding trees. And had managed to get a coffee pot boiling by radiant energy nearly 100 feet away.

They exchanged a few pleasantries and then the scout leader jumped up to yell at Timmy or Jimmy or whatever to stop throwing stumps in the lake and managed to kick the pot over into the raging fire. The conflagation whooshed out in a trice from the full pot dousing it and instantly our hero was covered in fire ash.

It made zombie Jim Bridger moan in his tomb to see the sight!

Well, no further exchanging of pleasantries could smooth over the situation. As our hero was too honest a creature to hide what he felt in his eyes. So with a gulp the scout leader shouted out and gave a whistle and just as quickly as the scouts had appeared they vanished. Leaving a fished out lake in their wake and an ash covered hero setting up a gravity trap for some good reliable rat.

I hate to imagine what he will feel in his cold reptillian heart when those 300 inevitably fall prey to Emoticon Leader and he is left alone once again in the jungle. I'd like to think he will mourn but I am not so sure...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/24/18 @ 9:10am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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The credit scouts laughed and played. Life can be so easy. Sure their homes had mysteriously gone up in smoke and that is why they were in the jungle now. But every scar can be turned into a star. Every problem is just an opportunity. In fact it's the perfect time for a party to celebrate Life!

Whooooooohooooooaaaaaaaa Hoookah Hoookah whoooooooooooooooooooohooooooooooooaaaaaaaaaaaaa they chanted and sang.

Some dressed in leather and greased up their pompadours :thumbsup

and chanted eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy eyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy eeyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyah!!

Others played peekaboo and laughed to see it!
:bowdown

Some did disgusting things in a synchronized manner while others winked to flirt them on:
:jerkoff

But keep in mind... In their hearts of hearts they were credits every one. And not foul emoticons. No matter how things may appear.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/24/18 @ 8:39pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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But horrors of horrors! Emoticon Leader himself! Flanked by Scheming and Terrifying

:evil

And hundreds of minions
:mad

The credit scouts were surrounded and their party went quiet.
Emoticon Leader snapped his fingers and a really loudly amplified version of Viva La Vida started up. Emoticon leader danced to the music with a lot of hip action which is pretty hard for emoticons to pull off but somehow he did. His minions did the wave in time humming along.

Eventually the music ended and in the silence you could hear a trembling voice of a credit asking his neighbor... "What are Roman calvary choirs?"

But then the circle closed quickly and after sounds and visions that would make the most sane forever plagued with cold night frights... the jungle was quiet once again...

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Created by: davidzzzzzz

6/25/18 @ 3:27pm (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: Washington, DC
Posts: 13,827

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Dudley's Optical Illusion

Stare at the red and blue rectangle for 30 seconds.
Then immediately look at a titty. What do you see?

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/26/18 @ 6:48am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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*********** THIS HEALTH ADVISORY WAS ISSUED AT 3:35 AM PST JUNE 26 2018 BY DO RIDE INDUSTRIES ***************
WE ARE GETTING REPORTS OF PEOPLE DOING "SHROOMS" AND THEN STARING FOR LONG PERIODS OF TIME AT THE ILLUSTRATIONS ACCOMPANYING DR. DO RIDE'S MOST RECENT MASTERWERK

WARNING!!! THIS CAN HAVE IRREVERSIBLE ADVERSE CONSEQUENCES FOR THE SUBJECT'S MENTAL STABILITY AND PHYSICAL WELL-BEING. WARNING!!!

WHILE THE INDUSTRIES IS GENERALLY PRO OGLING NICE YUMMY TITTIES ESPECIALLY IN THE NIPULAR REGION OF BODACEOUS LOVE BAGS WITH SIZEABLE HEFT...
WE ARE QUITE WARY REGARDING THE COMBINED USE OF ANY PSYCHADELICS WITH VISION INDUCING RITUALISTIC BEHAVIOR

WE RECOMMEND USE OF OUR PRODUCT WITH A REFINED WHITE WINE IN A COMFORTABLE SETTING REPLETE WITH CLASSICAL MUSIC AND GOOD POSTURE.

UNDER NO CIRCUMSTANCES SHOULD IT BE CONSUMED WHILE OPERATING HEAVY MACHINERY OR LISTENING TO TALK RADIO.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

6/30/18 @ 2:47am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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Now our hero stood in the midst of the trampled, smoking scene of the massacre...

This was just one horrific crime in a long series committed by Emoticon Leader. He wasn't going to pretend otherwise. His sharp, cold eyes surveyed it slowly, not missing any detail. If there was a clue... If there was a shimmer of a weakness... He would not miss it.

He was not alone. He was joined by 23 special force team members. Trained by Team Banzai for deep penetration credit insertion missions.

They too were each poring over the scene... learning about their quarry. Yes the tables had now turned. With 24 specially trained warriors he could now move through the jungle openly, taking on any force confidently. They all could sense that now was the time, the moment for dispatching this cruel, disgusting fiend had arrived at last.

The clock of Justice ticks at its own rate. Who can say how it arrives at its epochs? But one surely had come. It could be felt in the very air.

The team moved as one. With the slightest of hand signals and no spoken word they moved off in the same direction. Maybe two minutes had elapsed since they had first arrived. And Emoticon Leader... well Evil somehow goes blind at such times. I think he will be quite surprised when this bad luck plops in his in basket.

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/2/18 @ 9:11am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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*warble warble* croaked a beautiful k-jay

:smoking

kicked back in his outdoor pavilion being toasted by drunk minions :drinkup

listening to fine music :guitar

and enjoying the lights of his jungle fortress at night :bulb

Moths frittered up and wet fzzzzzzzzzzzzt fzzzzzzzzzzt and he acknowledged their passage with a toast :drinkup

Tough, alert minions ringed his abode with squinting eyes directed perpetually outwards... :mad

Credit captives pleaded for mercy and took on the visage of angels in this bad company... :angel

His bankers rolled around in the loot of his many successful campaigns trying to curry favor. :winkwink

His evil lieutenants sat near him shifting their beady eyes this way and that and looking tough.... :evil

The night was so dark... the commotion so loud...

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Created by: dudley_do_ride

7/3/18 @ 9:29am (EST) |UTC - 5:00
Location: hain't Pochipsie son
Posts: 3,267

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She was an emoticon... with tits and everything...

She had twisted :smoking

soul into knots and then snapped the cord. Behind every evil mastermind there is a woman who broke him. His dark sunglasses hid a tear as he twisted his emotistache and sipped his stone sour. He had given her everything... that bitch... and she had only sneered at his tiny emoticock and ran off with a tire salesman. Ever since the smell of burning rubber turned him on and made his emotiprick a thing to fear!

meh meh meh :jerkoff

he said to his emotipecker. Pretending it was Godzilla. Oh no! There goes Tokyo! Go go emoticock!

His subjects had learned to rationalize away such sights as their fearless leader playing dolls with his cock and a piece of pineapple.

Suddenly there was a startled flight of birds to his right. His lieutenants went FOOM FOOM FOOM with their emotiflamethrowers and laughed as charred jungle keets fell to the leafy jungle floor. :smoking

was making kaboom sounds with emotijohnson and so was out of all cares.

Naturally they didn't even notice the 24 who had somehow grown to 47 as the buzz of the coming showdown had reached far and wide... didn't notice as they strode within drawing distance.

Draw! said our hero through clenched teeth. Draw! said 47 special force members in unison through clenched teeth.

The music came to a sudden halt. Surprised minions turned and faced their fate.
:smoking

jumped up with a smile on his face. He loved action and release from the tortures of his memories.

And soon the jungle was full of the crashing of shorn from their root trees and electric death.

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